Mother in Law did not use car seats for my children.

[ChouxPastryHeart]

Hi everyone,

This will be a bit long so thank you for reading in advance and giving input.

My DH and I have two DC; a 3 year old and an 18 month old. We live in Sweden as he is Swedish and has family here. This week, he was away for work which doesn’t usually happen, and since I also work full time, we asked my MIL if she could pick up our girls on one of the days so that they could be picked up at 3pm instead of 6pm, since that was my latest working day. She agreed and a few days before, I sent her a text to let her know where pick up would be etc. I let her know that the childminder lives 15 min walk from our house and that since MIL doesn’t have car seats, she would need to pick them up by walking.

Fast forward to the morning after she picked them up - I have it confirmed by my childminder that MIL did indeed pick them up with her car, but childminder was not aware that she didn’t have car seats. I was livid and just in shock. The journey would only have been 5 minutes, but that doesn’t matter. These girls are the most precious thing in our life and not even 30 secs is worth the risk in my opinion. Not to mention, it is illegal.

I called her that afternoon and calmly asked her to explain what happened. She told me that she had them propped up on some cushions and then used the seatbelt. I told her that I was extremely upset about this, that what she did was dangerous and put the girls’ lives at risk. She responded with: ‘no, it wasn’t dangerous. I fixed it and it was perfect.’ I reiterated to her that I did not agree and that I was disappointed. She replied with: ‘you are angry about this, but that’s not my problem, that’s your problem.’ And, ‘I can’t do things your way, I do things my way and if you don’t like it, that’s not my problem.’ For certain things, I could buy that reasoning, but not for this ffs. 🤯

I was in utter shock and disbelief at this point. When I asked her why she ignored the wish for her to walk to pick them up, she replied with ‘I couldn’t walk that far and I didn’t know the way.’ She absolutely could walk that far; she is 63 years old and goes for hikes when she is abroad! I told her that if she didn’t want to walk, she could have told me days before and I would have arranged something else. She had no answer for me.

I ended the call by saying to her that I find it worrying that she does not see anything wrong with what she did, that this has made me lose trust entirely, and that this was the last time she would be asked to ever supervise the girls alone. Her response was: ‘well that’s your problem.’

My husband is also flabbergasted by this and said he will have a talk with her. I need to mention that this has not been the only occasion throughout the 11 years we have been together where she has disrespected me and crossed boundaries, but this is just a whole other level and involves my children’s safety. DH has had harsh conversations with her before about various things, but I don’t think that will cut it this time. I feel like I am done with this woman.

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to implement a serious consequence, like telling her she is no longer welcome in our home, that we do not want to communicate with her at all until she comes to her senses and apologises for the way she has behaved and the utter disrespect?

PS. We never rely on her for childcare regularly, except for asking for a little bit of help for like two times a year and this was one of those times!

@Oblomov24 You seem to have conveniently missed the part where one of the children was 18 months old.... You also seem to have missed the part where what has happened is incredibly unsafe and AGAINST THE PARENTS WISHES. It's not illegal to hang upside down off the roof of your house either, would you suggest grandma lets OP's children do that too? The risk of a broken neck in a small child facing forward is huge, let alone improperly secured and potentially unable to run around in the back.

Jesus!!

I'm 70 and perfectly able to understand the law and the reasons for it!

These are small children. They should be more important than anything

Am I being unreasonable to expect my husband to implement a serious consequence, like telling her she is no longer welcome in our home, that we do not want to communicate with her at all until she comes to her senses and apologises for the way she has behaved and the utter disrespect?

I am going to answer this question. I think you are unreasonable to expect this. I think you have made yourself clear and she will not be allowed to be with your children unsupervised. I don't think there is any need for your husband to tell her she can't come round and that you don't want to communicate with her, just don't invite her round or talk to her. It's a bit childish telling someone you're not taking to them, just don't talk to them - they'll work it out.

Total overreaction. Why don't you buy your mother in law some car seats for her car and then the situation won't occur again.

She should not have done it, but also you or Dh should have made sure she had seat belts, and the childminder should have not let her take the children in the car without them.

Only because no one crashed into the car and killed them

Cutting your DH off from his own mother is an over reaction. She is still his mother.

I’m getting near the MILs age and my DC were 90s babies. Yes, we used car seats of the appropriate size and weight rating and yes, my mother who was in her 60s back then asked us to buy a suitable seat to keep at her house in case of emergencies so the idea that this is generational ignorance is pretty insulting tbh. If I was in that situation I’d prefer to walk than drive for such a short distance so keep the views on the unlikelihood of someone in their 60s being capable of walking with their grandchildren to yourselves as well.

The ageism on MN is ridiculous at times.

OP, you don’t all need to cut contact with her but there’s nothing to stop you cutting contact. I’ve not spoken to my MIL for decades and we’re both happier for it

I let her know that the childminder lives 15 min walk from our house and that since MIL doesn’t have car seats, she would need to pick them up by walking

How do you measure the 15 minutes? 15 minutes for an adult on their own? Did she have a buggy? Was she expected to take both children by the hand or one in a buggy and one by the hand? Could she have managed if one of them bolted onto the road?

You should have provided car seats for her and would be unreasonable to cut contact with her. Don't ask her to provide childcare again.

Oh I never realised aspects of law were 'negotiable'!
if car seats are totally non-negotiable for you. 🤨

And how the fuck on a parenting website are posters telling op in this situation she's over reacted?!!

No idea. I imagine they don't care about little necks breaking and kids being smashed into windscreens. It's a bit odd

@Mnk711

No, I haven't missed all that at all. My post noted that what mil had done was not safe, not best, against OP's wishes.

But to cut off mil entirely?

But, illegal? Ad many pp's insisted it was. I'm not sure it is. (Well certainly not in uk. Not sure of Sweden).

@Oblomov24 except it IS illegal in the UK to transport an 18 month old without a car seat, it says over 3 years in that very thing you quoted! Sigh.

https://www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules/when-a-child-can-travel-without-a-car-seat

Also when a car seat isn't available means in an emergency not when you couldn't be bloody arsed.

And to add to @Mnk711 post In Sweden, we have rules that state that everyone travelling in a car shall use a seatbelt. Also, all children who are shorter than 135 centimetres shall use a special protective device, that is to say a baby car seat, child car seat, booster seat why wouldn’t you?

You are clearly very angry with her, and it is probably best that you give yourself some space from her. She shouldn’t be left in sole charge of your children again as it seems unlikely that she will look after them in a way that is satisfactory to you. But this is your husband’s mother and your children’s’ grandmother and cutting her off would be extreme.

Was she walking the 18 month old ? Was there a buggy involved ?

18 months is a baby!

This is a resolved quite simply, she has no more unsupervised time with your children.

It was completely reckless. But what is more concerning is the lack of acknowledgement at how serious it could have been.

She didn't know the way to walk but managed to get there in the car 🙈 Does she has a phone that has a maps app?

I would be furious if this was my MIL and I hope your husband speaks to her as well.

I agree with a previous reply, hit her with the facts of why car seats are a legal requirement. I wouldn't go NC but if it was my MIL she would never looking after them again.

Why did you not provide your MIL with child seats for her car?
Our daughter provided one for our grandchild.

@Littlemisscapable We have a double stroller and in my message I had said to her that if she wanted to use that, I would leave it in the back garden so she could grab it and go. I texted her the day before to ask if she wanted to use it and she said she would go without it. My husband normally picks them up without a stroller because they just want to walk, but being 3 and 18 months, it’s at snails pace so hardly a sprint.

There is no "both sides". My parents are in their 80s and 90s. On holidays visiting rural family outside of the British Isles in the 80s, where as young children we did not need to wear seat belts as there were none; we were held back by arms, sat in laps, etc. My mother is the first person to ask: "Are those babies strapped in those seats properly?" every time we leave her house. No unsupervised contact is fair. Your husband needs to tell her that. But cutting her off might be too far? It's up to you both though, just keep your kids' welfare as the top priority: This includes relationships with family, as well as safety.

I'd say that based on your post a reasonable response is not to allow any unsupervised contact with your children.

Thai woman is very unlikely to change and fundamentally does not respect you as the parent of her grandchildren.