Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

What’s this about?

Are you trying to make sure this particular person knows about the sacrifices and extra work and expense those around her have to tolerate for her to live life.

There’s so much resentment and anger towards people with disabilities on this forum.

Anyone who sticks up for disabled people here is regarded as a virtue signaller who only cares about others online whereas in reality there are many people who happily assist their disabled friends and relatives without disparaging them online and who also know that one day it could be them.

Firstly, it doesn't matter what that twat thinks about anything at all.

Secondly, it's the employers who will make provision for disabled employees so that they have a valid and supported role in the workplace. I've seen this in both the public and private sectors - and seen colleagues make concessions and adjustments needed, without fanfare and fuss.

I think you're being entirely disingenuous making this about colleagues when OP is talking about friends on holiday so your eye-roll emoji is pathetic.

This with bells on.

'You choose to do what you do for your friends and family but you have the absolute gall to dictate to posters here what they should be doing?'

Erm, she's posted asking for opinions?!

Anyone who sticks up for disabled people here is regarded as a virtue signaller who only cares about others online whereas in reality there are many people who happily assist their disabled friends and relatives without disparaging them online and who also know that one day it could be them.

Imagine that the people you're disparaging are the self same people who assist their disabled friends and relatives regularly in a range of activities. They're all around. Who are you encompassing in your rant?

Just because OP is discussing the difficulties she had on holiday with her friends doesn't mean that she's disparaging them, she wasn't, and you're being unfair to suggest otherwise.

I know! Fgs a supposed pal is moaning about the boring limitations in accompanying her inconveniently disabled friend on a trip, can you imagine how intolerant people in the workplace will be.

Totally agree. OP has not disparaged her friend at all. Shaming women into being unpaid carers for disabled friends/relatives is unfair.

'I would say that I genuinely enjoyed her company when we were sitting at the bar chatting, etc. If I am being very honest though I would say the positive aspects nowhere near countered the negative ones.'

Ah those chats in the bar didn't make up for the boring wheelchair pushing. What a shame 🙄

I am sure she did have a lovely time as it sounds like she didn't have to do anything apart from enjoy the holiday which we would all love to do. I would say that I couldn't run to another one this year but we could think about next year and she could take the time to research somewhere suitable and take more of a hand in organising it as it is a lot.

Some posters on here seem to think that the able-bodied OP doesn't deserve to have a holiday that suits her and that she will enjoy.

Ridiculous.

This with bells on.

This thread is seriously depressing. Obviously no one should go on holiday with someone they don't want to but the attitude towards people with disabilities on here is horrible. If you don't want to go on holiday with someone you just don't go. They probably wouldn't want to go with you either or even be friends with you if they heard your thoughts on it. Who would? If one restricted holiday out of your several holidays a year was so terrible, imagine what it is like being them.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. If she is a good friend to you I think a holiday like that once a year maximum if it restricts your ability to sight see and make the most of the surroundings. There are companies that cater for disabled people to go on Holliday.

Able bodied OP has several holidays a year that suits her. I can't work up much sympathy for the fact that she has had one restricted holiday ever, particularly as noone forced her to go. My sympathy lies with people who have to have restricted holidays (or no holiday through) no choice and no fault of their own.

How do you know she had that great a time. If having one restricted holiday out of many holidays was so hard for OP, don't you think it even harder for those who have no choice?

Any idea how much an electric wheelchair plus a carer would cost in comparison to how much income average disabled person has ? No ? Thought not.

Yep disabled people should only mix with other disabled people in specially segregated holiday resorts.
(sarcasm).

Yes you need to tell her in a tactful way that you can't arrange everything if it's a shared holiday. It is very delicate territory to get into but if she can't help with the arrangements in any way then this really isn't a shared holiday. I think the underlying dynamic is that she is vulnerable and needs you - but part of being a friend is being able to tell the truth and say you just can't arrange a second holiday in one year. Maybe she is investing too much into holidays as an escape ?

And OP why did you or her not book disability assistance at the airport? You do when selecting your seat, or saying whether you want to pre-order a meal. It is very easy. No need for you to push her through the airport.

It's not a one off though. The first one was a few weeks ago and the friend expects OP to organise another one in autumn.

You are expecting OP to give up her time and money on holidays she doesn't enjoy, which is unfair and pretty sexist.

I take my elderly and disabled mum on holiday with my family. It can be stressful and we have to plan everything in minute detail. But I do it happily because I love my mum and love spending time with her.

Expecting OP to do the same for someone she doesn't love spending time with is unfair.

That's a totally different thing, I was saying that I hire an electric scooter to make it easier for us all to go out. I always pay my way, we have a kitty for any shopping and I wouldn't expect others to subsidise me.

@EmilyTheCriminal I think OP is exaggerating. My DH is disabled and we have never been in the situation of only being able to go to one restaurant or beach.

I am genuinely confused here because I am disabled and I can't see all these supposedly terrible attitudes towards disabled people? I'm pretty laid back and don't get offended easily so maybe that's why but I would completely understand a friend wanting to have their own holiday and not wanting to accompany me. I'd hate anyone to feel obligated to stick with me and not enjoy themselves. I suppose I'm naturally independent despite my limitations and enjoy solo trips with mobility aids but even so, I don't think OP is in the wrong at all for feeling like she does.

@Borntorun123 Hi OP, I am someone with a physical disability although thankfully not wheelchair bound atm and just wanted to share my perspective.
I think first of all, it's absolutely lovely of you to go on holiday with her and help her so much. she probably enjoys different things to you and therefore didn't realise that you were missing out. also as she doesn't organise any of it, doesn't realise the work involved. I am sorry to say but she also sounds somewhat inconsiderate (although I could be wrong).

she should at least have offered to pay for the items you purchased and treated you a few times as a thank you for your help as well as paying more for the taxis. whenever on hols with friends who end up having to come on taxis etc. because of me, I ALWAYS insist on paying as its only fair. I also offer my labour in other ways as all my friends wrap me in cottonwool whenever I am with them. I.e. I am always the trip planner, booking restaurants/activities/ doing the research. so there is fairness but also because I don't want to feel like a burden. I feel this is the minimum for me to feel comfortable accepting help and care from my friends.
in terms of the best course of action now - if you are close and value the friendship, I would be honest. request she pay you back your outlays for purchasing things for her. explain that while you love her company, you didn't quite have the holiday you expected and see if you can compromise. eg. you drop her to the beach and then go do something you would like to do. so you can enjoy each others company but still enjoy your own experiences. also explain you would like her to do some of her own research etc. as you simply don't have the time
otherwise, just tell her you can't afford to go away but point her to the fb group luxury solo female travel for over 50s and AI resorts. I do a lot of solo travel despite my health and find choosing better hotels and planning in advance makes everything pretty doable.

sorry for the long post x

Exactly this.

When I had some very limited walking ability, but was mostly wheelchair bound, I went on holiday with friends.

I found it MUCH nicer than taking paid carers.

However, I was very aware just how much my friends were doing/sacrificing for me.

You shouldn't be doing all the research. Your friend should be working out what works for her. Yes, help and suggest ideas. I went on a safari because my friend suggested an accessible one she'd heard of.

As far as paying, I paid for all taxis or anything that was more expensive because of my needs. This included hotels and airfare, because I was more comfortable using certain airlines.

Airports etc. I had assistance from staff, because we skipped long queues. But shopping etc. my friends took it in turns to push.

Certainly go again if you'd like, but don't let your friend take the piss.