Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

Probably for the same reason, OP didn't go off by herself to explore at least once the entire holiday. She chose to be a martyr and is now complaining about it.

I think the risk here op is of setting up expectations. That you will holiday with her - and take on all it entails - twice a year.

I would be very wary of this. I’d suggest politely saying that you are not planning another holiday at the moment. And leaving it at that.

if you want to go away with her again, you can, but at least you’ll know in advance what it involves.

Oh that’s a difficult one op. I think if she is a true friend then you have to be more honest with her.

Explain that you can’t do another one this year as you have other family commitments but you might start thinking about it next year if she took on more of the planning and also if you could have a talk about the shared budget as although you enjoyed your last holiday with her, it did add up to more than you were expecting.

And maybe discuss going away in a foursome and then the care tasks could be shared across more people?

I am absolutely not expecting OP to go on another holiday with her. Nobody should go on a holiday they don't want to go on. I just don't see OP as some fantastic person or great friend just for going on one restricted holiday that she is now complaining about and (I think) very probably exagarating about the help and restrictions.

The trouble is OP, that your friend was selfish. She wanted you there to care for her, and ensure that she had a good time, without considering what you wanted from the holiday. I am disabled, and VERY limited in what I can do, some days I can't even get out of bed. I've been like this for 25 years now, and in the earlier years, when my DH and I went anywhere, whether it be a weekend away, or a holiday, I would always say to him, get me settled somewhere, and then if you want to go off and do something, whether it be go for a walk, or basically anything that I wasn't able to do, for example, we used to like things like castles and stuff, but I can't climb stairs anymore, however, it would never cross my mind to expect my DH not to do something just because I can't. I know some people may think you're being a bit mean, and feel sorry for her, but there's nothing in the rule book that says that disabled people are always nice and never selfish. A lot of them are, and some are EXTREMELY selfish. I would perhaps suggest that if she wants to go on holiday again, that she explore things like www.disabledholidays.com who appear to offer all sorts of holidays, and can provide all sorts of packages to assist various disabilities. If she goes on a holiday like this, then she is likely to meet other people in a similar position to herself, and make friends with people who understand how she feels. Obviously I also see things from the side of a disabled person, and one thing I absolutely HATE on holiday, is having someone else push me around in a manual wheelchair, as if I see something I want to have a look at, by the time I've told my Carer to stop, they've gone past whatever it is, and then I end up feeling like I'm being a nuisance, because they're being good enough to enable me to go out, but I'm causing them difficulties by wanting to stop or go back to something. So again, rather than expecting someone to push her, she needs to get a light weight scooter or mobility chair, so that she can be more independent. Does she belong to any groups where she can mix with other people are disabled, as if not, then perhaps she needs to look into it, and of course the easiest way for her to do that, is for her to learn how to use a computer.

She is clearly exaggerating. The airport assistance is one time when travelling with someone disabled is easier. You skip all queues.

I think this is unfair. The first time we took my disabled mum on holiday, we did book assistance but didn't get much, and I had no clue what my mum was entitled to.

Now I'm older and much more bolshy it's different.

You wouldn’t be unreasonable. Nobody’s forcing you to be her friend or do nice things for her.

If there is a part of you that would like to help your friend to have a holiday, just set a budget that you can afford and make it to a cheaper place / for a shorter time / next year, accordingly.

If there is a way to way to minimise the impact on you without saying no altogether, it would be a kind thing to do. If the boot were on the other foot, I daresay you’d hope a friend would do the same for you.

YANBU even just for the reason that she doesn't help with the organising and research. I stopped going on holiday with a good friend for this reason alone. They never complained about any of the choices but it was really time consuming and I felt taken for granted.

I am being very fair - someone needs to say something on OP’s friend’s behalf.

There are a lot of disparaging remarks on this thread.

You’re being unfair describing my comments as a rant - are your comments a rant?

As for the rest of your post I’m not sure what your point is.

I agreed with you up until your last sentence. Gosh, there's a big difference between a holiday with friends and paying a stranger to go on holiday with you (even if you ignore the considerable additional of doing this).

As a person with mobility issues, only she can judge whether she's sufficiently disabled to need a paid carer and I'm sure, if she did, she would have already considered this. I'm not suggesting the OP is obligated to going on holiday with her again, certainly not in the same year, and there may be alternative opportunities another time, but it would be pretty insulting, offensive, hurtful if the OP were to say to her "No, sorry, I don't want to go on holiday with you but why don't you pay a carer to go with you?" It's not her place to suggest that.

(I speak as a disabled person with mobility problems).

Just don’t go. Holidays should be looked forward to, knowing you’ll be doing things you enjoy.

Hopefully your friend will have other people who want to go with her - well judging from the posts on here there are many give up time, money ( hmm sceptical !).

Agree with others that you tell her your not available for another vacation. Would you be willing to do a day trip, somewhere local where you both have a nice day and home to your own beds at night?

It sounds like she is not a constant wheelchair user so is unlikely to need a carer to go on holiday with her. Especially as she gets taxis to where she wants to go to.
The only time OP mentions a wheelchair is pushing one in the airport which is bizarre as there is no need for the OP to do this.
Friend could hire an electric wheelchair to get around sightseeing, but maybe she is not interested in that kind of holiday? Plenty of able bodied people only go on lie by the beach or pool holidays.
And it will not be true that her disabled friend could only go to one restaurant or beach.

'am absolutely not expecting OP to go on another holiday with her. Nobody should go on a holiday they don't want to go on. I just don't see OP as some fantastic person or great friend just for going on one restricted holiday that she is now complaining about and (I think) very probably exagarating about the help and restrictions.'

Exactly. The poor disabled friend thought they'd had a lovely time and wants to go again with her! I hope she doesn't read mumsnet I bet this is fairly identifying what with the 'paid loungers' and one restaurant allowed <allegedly> only.

The op is fine to go alone, to go with able bodied friend. It isn't fine to blame the poor friend and suggest she just didn't try hard enough therefore it's a no going forward.

Youre a good friend and I am glad that there are friends like you. Agree on delaying till next year and being able to express your need to go off and do your own thing some days? I would so much rather someone told me their boundaries/conditions clearly and we could still do the thing rather than just stopped going at all!

You can also frame it as alone time/days which is just as valid and maybe more understandable from her POV

I have found many of these replies really useful, especially the ones relating to my factual posts and not the poster’s imagined narrative of what happened. I am not getting into details of why I did or didn’t do things, as the past cannot be changed.
My friend had a good holiday. I did not. I was content to leave this matter in the past.
Whilst I explained in my OP in this anonymous forum, my reasons for not wanting to spend another holiday with her, in the several weeks that have elapsed since our return I have not mentioned this to anyone in real life.
In fact I have been helped in reaching my decision about what to do by one of the more vociferous of the 4% of people who feel I ABU.
My friend is a friend. Neither of us would describe the other as a Best Friend.
The person who said to be a caring, supportive friend or not is actually right. I now know what is involved and if I am not prepared to make the necessary sacrifices with good grace, I shouldn’t put us in that position again.
I have arranged to meet my friend for coffee tomorrow morning and I will explain as tactfully as I can that I have already made plans for Autumn, and can’t commit to another week long holiday abroad for the foreseeable future. If she pushes I will have to tell her that a holiday abroad is more responsibility than I feel comfortable with, which is accurate.

Why does someone need to to say something on OPs friends behalf? There is nothing to say. OP doesn't want to spend her holiday as a carer to her friend. She is not responsible in everyday life for her and has happily gone on holiday with her once and found it frustrating and costly. It is not OPs job or responsibility.
I am classed as disabled but i am responsible for me. I have a disabled friend who would would love to come on holiday with me but i refuse to be her carer, i will not have my holiday ruined by her. She won't walk anymore than 200m but can manage a mile if there is a pub at the end, she expects everyone to do her bidding and treats everyone like staff, she wants everything her way. She does not help herself, she swallows strong pain killers with alcohol and would be drunk everyday by lunch. Because she is disabled, should i just suffer and go on holiday with her ?

I think that's the right decision, OP.

Glad the vociferous YABUs had an unintended effect

“Loved spending time with you but usually see and do things at a much faster pace when I’m on my own so will do a few more of those first, and we’ll perhaps do another one together in a year or two.”

What on earth do you mean @Janiie
OP simply doesn’t want to go on holiday again in this capacity which is fine.

No need to guilt trip people.

@Pupinskipops that’s a really valid response. You’re right only she can decide if she needs that additional support.

I don't get why so many people are saying this is anti disabled people.
Honestly this is a simple case of 2 friends who went on holiday and it didn't work out. Friend 1 the OP wanted to go and do active stuff and did not want to plan everything. Friend 2 wanted someone to organise everything and wanted to stay put and relax.

They are not compatible holiday friends. That's it really. So YANBU OP.