Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

If you don’t want to go, find any excuse not to. A white lie won’t kill anyone. She’ll get over it. I think you’re being too nice.

Do not become her holiday partner! Once every three or so years yes. I am sure she is a lovely person but she sounds too dependent. Clearly there are some things that she has no choice about being dependent on due to her mobility issues but the not organising and is rubbish.

Also I think she clocked you as her new secretary. I’d say in two years, yes sure, but it’s your turn to organise….

No is an acceptable response.

It does sound like you need to be clear to her now now albeit a kind way otherwise it will get harder to be honest later on.

Surely you'd also hate to realise that your friend was subsidising your holiday as you hadn't reimbursed her for the multiple small shops she'd done on your behalf? And hate to realise that you'd shown your displeasure when things weren't quite as described, when she had actually done all of the planning, including disability access, with no help from you? Would you also hate that your friend had 'secretly' been frustrated not to have been able to do more, when it sounds like she had bent over backwards to prioritise your enjoyment of the holiday to the detriment of her own? And you hadn't even acknowledged all that she had done to make it possible for you?

It's all down to communication isn't it. For example - 'I'll go to get some supplies and we'll go halves or you pay next time?'. Not hard.

To do it and complain about it would seem pointless. Unless to earn some more my disabled friend took the piss points.

It sounds like you are her carer whilst away? If that’s the case then she should be paying towards your break? I know it’s hard as she probably can’t afford to pay your half but sometimes you can find deals where carers go free or get a discount (more for trios out rather than the actual holiday). My adult dd is disabled, she gets high rate PIP so if she goes anywhere and needs a carer to go with her she uses her PIP money to pay for their ticket, she goes to a lot of live music events and can’t go alone so pays for a friend to go as a carer.

Maybe just tell your friend that you can’t afford to go away with her twice in a year as you have other things booked too?

You do not need to go on holiday with anyone you do not want to. But you are doing holidays wrong if you could only go to one beach and one restaurant.

@Lovemusic82 it is incredibly insulting for a friend to suggest she is really a carer and should be paid for holidaying with her. Expect the end of the friendship if you do that.
Also there is assisted travel in airports. You do not have to do anything and get to jump security and baggage drop queues with your friend.
Either your friend has zero confidence to organise these basic things, or this is highly exaggerated.

I feel for you both: your friend sounds like they were genuinely delighted to be going on any holiday at all and for you who was constrained and exhausted by it all. I would say, turn them down for the Autumn but next time try and find some more people who could come along and help spread the load? Or try something like a river cruise where other people will stay on the boat and chat to your friend while you explore the town.

And be clear about expenses sharing up front (ie I'll put this on your tab and we'll settle up at the end etc)

You choose to do what you do for your friends and family but you have the absolute gall to dictate to posters here what they should be doing?

No, you don't get to do that. Posturing behaviour is nauseating and I don't believe the half of what banner-waving posters actually do compared to what they say they do.

If you pick on other posters then expect to get the same back at you.

I could be your friend. I have mobility issues and can't venture far, use a wheelchair when needed.
I also could see me being so pleased and engrossed on being on holiday that I might not notice you not having an ideal time.
I would want you to tell me.
You need to tell her that as much as you like her the holiday was too much for you.
Perhaps suggest a long weekend city break next year where you can 'park her up' and go off exploring by yourself.
She will still get a break and your company but it should not be hard work for you. It's your holiday too.

When someone says “it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.”

What they are saying is that they paid for the item(s) out of their own money even though it was something that they were both going to benefit from and that since each individual time they did it was a fairly small amount they did not bother asking for half the money from their companion. But over the course of the holiday all those small amounts added up to quite a bit

There is no good reason, from OP’s posts, to assume there was a kitty.

My DH is disabled and by choosing where we go carefully we have busy active holidays. I simply do not recognise this description of disability.

Just tell her you're all booked up this year and maybe you can plan a short break next year. If you've already just done one trip with her, it's not unreasonable to want to use the rest of your leave for other trips. If you do go on to plan a trip for next year, it might be worth looking online for a travel sight that specialises in finding more wheelchair accessible places?

I have a friend who is severely disabled. I've had to cut down on time spent with him because I end up doing all the organising and like you, end up buying things simply because I'm the one physically able to do that. For him to pay I'd have to suggest it but also physically take his card from his wallet to pay with it which feels odd. He's financially better off than me but maybe as he's grown up always having people do things for him (often by necessity but not always) he's got into this way of thinking through no fault of his own. Like, we've fallen into a semi carer/client role instead of friends. His PA ended up coming with us to dinner once and I could tell my friend wasn't that keen but it was so much better from my point of view, it felt much more like a typical friendship (I have to feed him so having that job taken away helped a lot). It can be really tough to navigate when you appreciate how much harder it must be for them. But I don't think you are wrong at all to want to pull back a bit.

Not the same but I have dietary restrictions so when I go away with friends it does affect things but it's always me researching restaurants in advance, I don't expect them to do it. And I often say, you guys grab a sandwich if you want, I'm going to have to pop off somewhere and grab something else etc.

And Sunak thinks collegues will carry disabled people in the workplace 🙄

I do not think you are being unreasonable. I imagine your friend may never have booked a holiday or researched on line re destinations given as you say she went with family. My in laws are quite computer literature but have always used the same travel agent and always will. I sympathise with her not having the skills to do this.
Similarly her restrictions sound difficult. It sounds as if you did a lovely job of adapting and enjoying the holiday as it was.
You don't have to feel obliged to do that kind of holiday again though. I went skiing with a group of friends. It was an experience. I enjoyed the company but not actually activity enough to spend that kind of money again. I can spend time with them in different ways. That holiday was more than I normally can budget. I don't see why it is any different for you. You want to spend your time and money doing x. Do.
As others have said there are lots of ways holidays could be more catered for you and your friend if that's something you wanted to do. I have experience of elderly relatives coming with us and making adjustments. Many of us could give advice but it's okay if you don't want to.

@Tryingtobewellbalanced yes a pipe dream. People will bitch and moan if a disabled colleague asks others to make a drink for them regularly, never mind anything else.

This thread had been an eye opener to me.

So many people regarding this disabled woman as a CF and worse.

It’s not about being a saint or a CF.

Disability is not a choice. Mobility issues can have other effects as well which nobody here knows about.

Disabled people mostly live on a pittance and it’s hard enough to get that.

I don’t know this person’s financial situation- maybe she’s loaded?

It could have been sorted out in a conversation between friends. Simply asking her to make the arrangements or pay a bit extra towards taxis and take it from there.

A lot of the discussion here is so negative towards disabled people that it makes depressing reading for anyone with a disability.

Well said, LyingWitchInTheWardrobe.

It obviously makes some people feel validated to dictate to others that they would do this, that and everything under the sun for a friend or family member, but the reality is likely to be the complete opposite - and there will be a million and one reasons why everyone else should do it, but not them. Still, if virtue signalling makes you feel good and superior to others, do crack on, Janiie. Smug and self-righteous posturing amounts to do what I say, not what I do and most people recognise it for what it is.

@DuploTrain splitwise app is brilliant

Tricky😕
I would make excuses & shut this down, the more you do it the more she will expect it and the easier it will be for her to make you feel obligated😶

I had almost exactly the same situation . The first time wasn’t so bad although when my friend said to go again I wish I’d said no as the problems we had the first time were even worse the second and I ended up regretting it . I was expected to choose, book and plan everything . She asked to go again and I had to make excuses . I think I said something like I was saving for something so was going to cut down on holidays for a bit . That was 3 years ago and she’s moved on to others trying to get them to go away. She refused to go anywhere she didn’t want to mobility or not when we went and I got so fed up I felt I’d wasted my money and it didn’t feel like a holiday to me . I’ve since been with friends who are more like me and we have the same things in common and it was so much better