Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

Could you point your friend in the direction of organised holidays that cater for people with limited mobility? Or suggests she pay for a carer to go with her?

I think she should have done the research for where to go, routes, etc. Also she should have paid for taxi rides which were done for her, as well as split the contract at of minor purchases. This could have made things a bit easier on you as you were being considerate to her throughout.

YANBU

'Surely she doesn’t owe this friend an away trip? Why can’t she socialize with her in this country? '

No, no she doesn't 'owe this friend an away trip' that is true. Its just a nice thing to do, assist someone who has limitations. You are quite correct disabled people can socialise in this country! how dare they want to live like normal people and travel abroad.

What's stopping the friend doing a bit of research and booking a holiday abroad?

YANBU at all.

You deserve to enjoy your holidays just as much as everyone else. Don't listen to the posters with their passive aggressive comments.

Holidays are supposed to be fun, that’s kind of the point.

She did. She assisted her. Planned the holiday. Paid for a load of stuff. Totally put her friend first.
Did you not read the post?
She still is not obliged to go on hols with her.
And this forum is for advice and getting things off our chest. OP is allowed a moan. She is also allowed not do something she doesnt want to do.
Any one who uses their disabity to use their friend, is a CF.

But of course friend can go abroad? She can go on her own or on a cruise or AI. How shockingly rude of you to assume her wheelchair means she can’t manage.

She did. She assisted her and is here complaining and saying she cba to do it again.

She of course needs to tell her pal she isn't going again, fine, but instead of saying oh it's the computering, the taxis etc just admit she cba with mobility issues and let's hope doesn't need any assistance herself in the future.

Nah. You are wrong.
You are trying to make out that its all about the friends disability.
Its not. Not at all.

Well, you're 'folk' so why don't you 'step up' and offer your services since you're so inclined?

OP sounds like a good friend indeed and I don't see what NannyOgg has done to incur your censure either? If wording used is clumsy or doesn't fit then it can be corrected without a sanctimonious and preachy reprimand.

'But of course friend can go abroad? She can go on her own'

'She can go on her own'.

Where to start with that lovely, inclusive, supportive gem.

She's an old friend, why can you just not talk to her?

I'm disabled, there are some things I couldn't do without my friends. I'm also retired and they work. I plan, research and often pay for trips that we want to do together but I wouldn't be able to do alone. I'm happy with my own company and encourage them to still do what they want even if I can't join them. I am immensely grateful for what they bring to my life.

However, I would be mortified if they felt 'put upon' at any time and didn't feel like they could speak up or say no. So sit down and talk to your friend. Even if you can't/don't want to go this time she thinks you had a great time and will ask again, no point for either of you to just keep making excuses.

She went away with her friend, it was more like a caring job than a holiday and she ended up paying more, doing less and solely organising it. It’s perfectly reasonable that she wouldn’t want to spend her holidays working as a carer. The OP said the holiday made her feel frustrated, restricted and I’m guessing pretty disappointed as well. That isn’t something I’d want to repeat in a hurry.

The friend sounds pretty self-absorbent and unaware of people around her. That has nothing to do with her mobility issues. She could do the research herself, she could speak to the travel agent but she is doing neither of those things and just expects the OP to do it all for her. That is unreasonable and not what friends do.

I don’t understand your point?

Was there some manifesto I signed without realizing it that obligates me to pay for, care for, or support the holiday needs of random people In the UK? What if I prefer to spend my money and time on a different disabled person? Am I still at fault?

Your position is pretty obviously flawed as st some point each person will have reached the limit of their ability to satisfy a friend’s need. This limit might be financial, or in terms of time or opportunity cost. But in any event despite people posting and posing as “inclusive” saints on mumsnet this is the fact. Everyone has their limits. Its easy to attack others for not being generous—what do you actually sacrifice for a disabled friend in need? Just un inclusive language?

It’s absolutely not the OP’s responsibility to organise/take this person on/stump up extra costs for their holiday. That’s what it boils down to. They can still be friends though! There are very few friends I have been on a holiday with, it doesn’t mean we aren’t very close.

You haven’t taken her on holiday before and don’t have to again.

She has options. She can

pay a carer
pay a friend
go on an organised assisted holiday
not go on holiday

What did she do before this, @Borntorun123 ? Who did she holiday with before? Or didn’t she.

It sounds like you went out of your way to look after her on this holiday, but in doing so, it wasn’t a holiday for you. That doesn’t mean you should ever have to do it again-it’s not your job and it’s not your responsibility to have ‘inclusive’ holidays, no matter what some posters seem to think!

I’d be as honest as possible and tell her you’re doing a lot of walking/visiting ruins next time and it won’t be her kind of holiday.

I was really frustrated and overwhelmed for the first few YEARS at having to be the one to do all the things as a carer for DP. I still sometimes get bratty feelings of “Ugh, do I have to?” that I have to shake off. And I love this person!

YANBU to feel this way.

Personality goes a long way in these situations. DP is grateful, puts effort in where he can, will do admin and his own research, he makes everything into a funny situation and is very aware of if I’m okay or not rather than just thinking about himself.

It doesn’t sound like your friend is giving you much back in these ways.

'Well, you're 'folk' so why don't you 'step up' and offer your services since you're so inclined?'

I have friends and family with mobility and health issues thanks. I more than happily push a wheelchair, pop to the shop, settle for the boring beach with the 'paid' loungers and curtail my activities slightly if needs be. Then I am considerate and kind.

No need to be martyrs but it's what you do to help friends and family live full lives.

But no. Some on here think disabled people 'should go away alone' or take a paid carer. Lovely.

How about a much shorter break that not abroad?
So a city break with good separate hotel rooms (maybe a gym), somewhere you can both explore buildings/galleries/shopping during the day, and maybe food and/or theatre in the evening (if these are things you might with enjoy doing together).

What did she do before this, @Borntorun123 ? Who did she holiday with before? Or didn’t she

She went on holiday with her elderly parents until they became too frail. She then went away with her younger sister a couple of times in the UK.

She told me that her sister is now too busy with a new partner to go away again. She has 2 other sisters and mentioned once that neither of them invited her on their holidays.

She would never holiday alone even without the physical restrictions. It’s just not her. I enjoy solo travel but I appreciate its not for everyone.

https://www.tui.co.uk/holidays/accessible-holidays/

https://m.disabledholidays.com/#!/

https://www.onthebeach.co.uk/holidays/disabled-friendly-holidays

Gently suggest if you holiday together again, that she either brings a carer or helps with the organising more and if she can't explore with you by walking gets an electric wheelchair.

So when you went to the shops to buy her things I'm assuming you were paying from a kitty, and she wasn't actually giving you the money for her own personal stuff?

That in itself is a bit cheeky.

But no. Some on here think disabled people 'should go away alone' or take a paid carer. Lovely.

Some on here think that it’s fine to ask others to book, financially subsidise and organise their holidays as well as act as their unpaid carer. Lovely.