Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

Yes many people seem to be missing the point that the friend is expecting OP to book the holiday, do all the admin which she should be capable of doing herself. And also that she expects OP to pay for incidental expenses like taxis and meals which should be joint. Being disabled is not an excuse for CFery.

Maybe the friend thinks that if OP books the holiday she will be booking something she likes. Regardless, as OP doesn't want to go she doesn't have to do anything.

Indeed.

Surely many of us have been on holiday with people and it just isn't something you want to repeat. I have done it with university mates when older and that was okay as we lived together before.

Other people would drive me mad on holiday so we have done group trips which works better.

It's different to holidaying with a loved one who you can row with and make up. Far more likely to bite your lip if it's a friend.

Take the disability out of it. You didn't enjoy the trip. It's perfectly reasonable to not want to repeat it. Have some polite excuses ready and stick to the usual meet up activities you both enjoy.

Absolutely-it’s fine to not do another holiday because you didn’t enjoy it. I’d say something along the lines of ‘I don’t think so-I think we probably enjoy quite different types of holidays, to be honest. Shall we look at meeting up and doing <insert something you both like doing and do typically together-lunch/local gardens/theatre/spa etc> ? What dates can you do?’

She might be a bit disappointed but that’s ok-there no obligation here on either side.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before

What did she actually say?

Pretty much that she’d like to go away again and asking me to check out various locations, flights.
She had a few additional requirements for me to research regarding facilities this time., mostly to do with things which weren’t so great last time.
She now knows I won’t be going so things are on hold until she finds someone else to accompany her.

Oh, you’ve told her-how did that conversation go, what did you say?

OP, based on what you said my feeling is that your friend is lacking self-awareness, has kidded herself that you're getting more out of the holiday than she is and that's why she feels able to make these demands of you.
All very awkward😬 I think I would take a 'nip it in the bud' approach, make polite excuses and swerve her, etc

From your last post, it does sound more like she wants a personal assistant to go on holiday with than a friend. All those details she could find out herself, not demand of a friend.

OP could just say, sure I'll look all that up and get back to you. And then not get back to her.
If friend contacts her about the things she promised to look up then just tell her she hasn't had time and keep on using that excuse 🤷🏼‍♀️
There are lots of ways one could wriggle out of this while still avoiding the need to say 'no I will not be your free personal assistant'!

It went ok. It’s not a conversation that I would want to have again.
I took notice of many suggestions on here and said I was pleased that she had a good holiday ( which is true), but I think we want different things from holidays. She did push a bit, but couldn’t argue about the basic fact that our holiday preferences weren’t compatible.
She mentioned a third friend who would possibly accompany her but probably couldn’t afford it. She does get high rate PIP but it wasn’t for me to suggest that she might consider using it to help that friend. She might reach that conclusion. Either way I am out of the picture, but will help with research if needed.

Well done OP! 👏

That’s a very fair point.

Well done OP.

Well done, glad you got that sorted :)

Glad you're out of the picture. Let's hope she chats with the other friend, as you point out if she gets high rate PIP she could pay for her..

Just be honest and tell her you're too busy to research but if she rings a travel agent they will be more helpful and knowledgeable regarding accessible properties. Then step back.

OP did not say her friend liked one beach and one restaurant. She said because of her friends disability she could not access anywhere else. That is what people were querying.

The Splitwise app is good for recording expenses whoever you decide to go on holiday with. It’s all transparent and you settle up at the end

Good for you. Friendships need to be equal and not morph into other roles otherwise they cease to be friendships.

Liking different things isn't something anybody needs to apologise for. Now that it's clear you and your friend can make your separate holiday plans and both have what you want.

'Liking different things isn't something anybody needs to apologise for'

'Liking different things'. Did you read the op? Not so much about different preferences, rather different abilities due to the friend's mobility problems.

There must have been crossed wires, the op didn't seem to realise she may need to adapt her activities and the friend seemed to think that wouldn't have been a problem.

Not everyone is able to support other people so it is good that the op has realised, albeit 1 holiday late.

Friendships need to be equal?
So I should never be friends with a young mother with a baby as I may need to adapt what we do to meet her needs?
And certainly should never be friends with a mother with a child with autism where we need to adjust where and when we go.
Is that really what you are suggesting?

NoisySnail, they need to be in balance, that's probably a better description.

Where am I telling you or even suggesting to you that you should or shouldn't be friends with whomever you want? Don't we all make adaptations as we need to? I know that I do, it certainly doesn't need explaining to met either.

I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you're not just posting for an argument because I'm not engaging with that nonsense, there's been enough of that on this thread.

It's crazy isn't it. I wonder how some people would cope on a trip with an aged parent who god forbid may curtail activities due to being a bit slow on their feet, or say a friend who had mh issues and struggled with anxiety.

I suppose the answer is they don't mix with such people. Only strong independent people thankyou very much.

How very small some people's worlds must be.

It’s perfectly reasonable to go on holiday with a friend (or family member!) and not want to do it again-the OP has free will!