Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

Why is it so hard for people to admit that the OP’s description of her experience is simply true? Her friend is technology impaired, likes one beach snd one restaurant , and doesn’t like walking. That would be true whether she is disabled or not. Its not the kind of holiday OP wants. So she shouldn’t agree to go again.

It doesn’t matter what the 2or 3 guilt tripping posters say - it’s about what op wants to do. It’s not your responsibility, just say you’ve other holidays planned. No need to explain more.

Has op said that her friend only liked one beach or one restaurant?. More likely that is all she did because that is all she could do due to her restricted mobility (not her fault) and the destination ( which OP chose). Do you think all disabled people can do everything non disabled people can do and are just choosing not to?

I'd say possibly a uk short break, you know the UK is fairly wheelchair friendly due to the disabled access laws introduced around 2003.

But I'd also be making sure a kitty is used for everything. So you don't end up paying more than your fair share

Booking a holiday and doing some shopping on holiday doesn’t make someone a carer. If it does, I must be DH's carer.😂

I don't think the friend is in a wheelchair and maybe drives.

Op said in her first post that friend has mobility problems and she'd sometimes used a wheelchair ♿️ like in airports and longer distances.

And they'd used lots of taxis so if they stayed in the UK lots of different cities to visit she could use a wheelchair/ mobility scooter and use buses / trains. And most visitor attractions are wheelchair friendly.

Airports provide wheelchairs and push them. It didn't sound like she uses one outside the airport. A mobility scooter is very different to a wheelchair and wouldn't require any pushing.

It’s the OP’s experience and thoughts that matter in this scenario- not yours @wombat15

@Borntorun123

’ I can that I have already made plans for Autumn, and can’t commit to another week long holiday abroad’

i think that’s a good response. Regardless of anyone’s personal circumstances, it’s a big ask to ask someone to go on holiday twice in one year. She may then start trying to pinpoint a holiday for next year, in which case you’ll just have to say you’ll worry about that next year etc. If she gets insistent, maybe point her in the directions of the links above and say you don’t know what your plans are yet. You’re not obliged to go on holiday with her - her holidays aren’t your responsibility.

If you do go away with her, try an all-inclusive resort. What you've just described sounds too much like hard work for a holiday.

I think it is the nasty abelist attitudes by some posters on this thread that matter.

@wombat15 no one is entitled to make others feel they have to do something. It’s nothing to do with disability.

In what way has she made OP feel as if she has to do something? All she has done is ask OP if she wants to ho on holiday. All OP has to do is say no.🙄

Good for you, OP! Your last update sounds for the best, well done.

A holiday is not a human right, and your friend sounds as though she was edging dangerously close to cf teritory. Leaving all the planning to you then commenting when things didn't go exactly as expected, not on. Also, she must have realized all those little trips to the shop would have added up for you, yet she kept silent and let you be out of pocket.

Ultimately I think it says a lot if even her own sisters (not just one, as that may well be a personality clash, but apparently all her sisters) are refusing to go on holiday with her. She needs to pay her own way and go with a carer.

After OP had to do all the organising (because friend won't do anything but social media on computer), running around buying supplies for which friend didn't repay her, limiting her own holiday to the one beach and one restaurant friend liked, and listening to friend complain when things didn't go exactly as wanted. That was no holiday for OP, she was being friend's PA. One "holiday" like that would be more than enough.

You did actually.

Now she ‘lacks insight into how her lack of capabilities affect others.’

I don’t think she’s the only one lacking insight.

@wombat15 I agree.

This thread contains some of the nastiest attitudes I’ve come across and is making me lose the will to live.

Good for you, I hope it all goes well tomorrow.

Good idea - I think some people are not picking up on the point that she is asking you to arrange another holiday within weeks of returning from the first one. You should not be guilt tripped into thinking this is acceptable. I do think your friend needs other outlets for the desire to socialise but it's not your sole responsibility to shore up the gap - other friends and family members need to help her too

I just want to say that I sound to have similar needs to your friend OP.

I invited a friend on holiday with me, but made it very clear that I was just a base person, she would have to find her own entertainment and she did go out exploring.

On the other note where posters have said she should get a carer to take her on holiday. I have similar needs and the government have said I don't so I don't get any money or support. I get 134pw ESA contrinution based (so not out of public tax payer purse). I think anybody who has posted such suggestions on here are going to get a very rude awakening if they have the misfortune of ever getting ME/cfs/long covid. Nobody will want to go on holiday with you and you will be isolated with no government support or money (unless you have your own private means then you can always spend that).

Some of the comments on this thread are seriously depressing, especially some of the things people have told OP to say to her friend who has not chosen mobility issues.

I absolutely agree that op shouldn't go on another holiday with the friend if she doesn't want to but the idea that she had to do lots of organising is a bit laughable. She booked a holiday which involved going to one beach and a restaurant. It's normal for one person to do the booking on the internet if friends go on holiday. I often do it. Hardly a huge job.

She surely had to get supplies for herself anyway and it's not the friends fault she can't go far. OP could have gone off on her own sometimes. The only thing the friend did wrong is not pay her share.

Try reading the OP's OP, she did way more than that.

My ds1 is severely disabled and we have not been on a holiday for many years now but I don't think disability is the issue here, it's the unrealistic expectation that one friend can organise frequent holidays - another to be booked within weeks of getting back from the first one !

She isn't being guilt tripped. The friend just asked and all op has to do is say no.