Don’t want a second limited holiday with friend.

[Borntorun123]

NC for this.

I will start by saying I am lucky enough to have 3-4 budget holidays/ short breaks a year.

My last one was with an old friend who has mobility problems. She can manage most things but walking is very limited.

I willingly carried bags, pushed a wheelchair when necessary ( longer distances than she couldn’t walk in airports, etc), offered her first choice of seating, popped to shops for items, did everything I could to make things as comfortable and easy for her as possible.

She said that she had a good time and I am pleased. On the other hand I found that the holiday was so limited that I felt guilty and frustrated. I felt sorry for her, and very much appreciated my own physical health, but I constantly felt restricted. I run every day and was still able to do that, but whilst out saw places I would have liked to spend time exploring, or nice looking restaurants for a long dinner, etc. So many things to see and do.

Apart from travel by taxi to a few carefully chosen places, we could only go to one place on the beach where sun beds were provided
( charged) , and just one restaurant.

I can’t imagine how frustrated my friend is with being so immobile. I know I am very lucky.

She has now suggested going away together again. We’ve only been home a few weeks and it wouldn’t be until Autumn. She is looking to me to arrange everything as before. It took a lot of research, trying to ascertain what roads and paths are like, exact proximity to attractions, contacting property owners with several questions, etc. and despite my best efforts a few things still didn’t go to plan, which were commented upon.

I don’t want to go away with her again, at least not for the second time in a year. As well as being restricted it cost me significantly more due to taxis ( I rode in the taxi so of course split costs), it was always me popping to the shops for minor purchases, which individually seemed too trivial in cost to split, but actually totted up to a significant sum.

AIBU to tell her no? She couldn’t holiday alone, whereas I plan to do that for my next trip.

This is why being disabled is so isolating. People don't want to get involved if the relationship runs the risk of having to care more about the other persons needs than their own. I'm not saying it is right or wrong, just what happens to disabled people. That is said without guilt tripping, it isnt anybodies job to care for their friends, but is it societies job through taxation and support. Give those with disabilities the means to be independent and have a life worth living. Because it can happen to anyone.

Absolutley roaring with laughter at the fact that you think you are a kind person.

She could rent one on holiday so OP doesn't have to either push her around in a wheelchair all day or be seriously restricted whilst supposed to be relaxing and enjoying a holiday. The friend is disabled but it's up to her to manage that, not expect a free ride and free carer.

@Borntorun123 would you want to have an annual holiday with her 1/3 or 1/4 of your weekends/breaks away? If so maybe suggest planning something for next year instead as your other 2/3 times away are already accounted for annually!

So is your friend representative of all disabled people?

If you are also disabled how could your pub-loving ‘friend’ expect you to be her carer?

Also who said it was OP’s job or responsibility to be her carer?

I don’t have any booze-mad painkiller swallowing friends but if I did I wouldn’t go on holiday with them whether they are disabled or not. Neither would I be their friend.

I’m only friends with people I like so have no need to discuss their issues on forums.

OP did not mention that her friend had a liking for booze and pills so I don’t see the relevance of your post.

YANBU at all, you're her friend not her carer.

Rosscameasdoody
Any idea how much an electric wheelchair plus a carer would cost in comparison to how much income average disabled person has ? No ? Thought not.

The OP's friend is suggesting a second holiday abroad this year. That doesn't sound like someone on the breadline.

I suspect the real issue is perhaps confidence and lack of independence. IME people who can Facebook but not use IT for other things, have fallen into a pattern of letting others do things for them.

OP OTH sounds very independent, so my guess is they aren't really compatible holiday companions.

Yes! Disabled people should manage themselves better and avail of our government’s generous allowances, supports and facilities and stop being CFs sponging off their friends.

@LemonPeonies it does not even sound like the friend uses a wheelchair normally. She gets taxis to places that are a long walk. But she walks shorter distances.

@Anameisaname I agree it is just two friends wanting different things on holiday. People are saying it is anti disability because OP comes across as a martyr. My DP is far more disabled than OPs friend and we have never been anywhere with only one beach and restaurant in the place he can access. The friend does not seem to use a wheelchair every day, the issue is longer distances, so she gets taxis. Anywhere without a long walk to the beach or up loads of stairs would be accessible to her.
It sounds like her friend just likes a sun holiday without sightseeing, like lots of people.
And tbh it does not take much researching to book one of these holidays. So maybe her friend does not think the researching is a big deal.

With the cost of travelling right now, I wouldn’t want to compromise on my experience or anything really, so if it doesn’t work for you, it doesn’t work for you, there’s no obligation.

@graceinspace999 you're missing the point. I didn't generalise to say anything about disabled people. I'm pointing out this particular "friend" needs to sort how she will travel and get about rather than relying on someone she's supposed to be enjoying a holiday with. She sounds like she lacks insight into how her lack of capabilities affect others.

I don't think someone who can walk short distances, uses taxis and does not have impaired cognitive function requires a carer and don't get why the holiday required OP to do a huge amount of research.

Perhaps she let OP do the "research" because she thought that would mean she was choosing a holiday she would like. Maybe she thought OP chose the holiday she did because she likes going to a beach in the day and a restaurant in the evening and doesn't care if it is the same one. Maybe she didn't think OP was doing her a huge favour by going on holiday with her and thought that she actually liked going on holiday with a friend rather than by herself.

Exactly! The huge amount of research will just be booking a hotel with a lift that you can get a taxi to, and with a beach that you do not have a long walk to. Loads of places meet that criteria.

I get that OP felt restricted on the holiday but in what way was she her friend's carer? All I can see is that she "offered her first choice of seating and popped to shops for items". She didn't need to push the wheelchair at the airport either.

The popping to shops for items is obviously equivalent to being a full time carer.
Bloody ridiculous this thread.

It's not just that the OP had to organise absolutely everything though. She sacrificed a lot of time staying in certain places rather than exploring because the friend can't walk far, requiring OP to push her in a wheelchair for longer distances. The OP had to keep topping up supplies in the shop and pay. The list goes on. Sounds like a boring holiday of an unpaid carer, so yeah the cf friend should get a support worker to do these things if she can't do them for herself.

Given that all they did was go to one beach and one restaurant it doesn't seem that the organisation of absolutely everything involved much. I'm not clear on where OP was pushing the friend in a wheelchair either apart from the airport where she made a choice to push the wheelchair. Surely the OP would have had to top up supplies for herself even if the friend hadn't been there and she could have asked for the money. The paying for everything doesn't seem to be anything to do with disability.
Yes, it does sound like a boring holiday but some people like those sort of holidays. OP obviously doesn't which is fair enough but suggesting she is a carer just because she booked the boring holiday, didn't explore by herself and went to the shops is ridiculous.

YANBU OP. It sounds you each have very different ideas about what you want from a holiday so you are not compatible holiday buddies. Why would you spend money on another holiday you know isn’t going to be your idea of a great holiday. Use your money to benefit yourself. Your friend can do the same.

I have some friends I would go on holiday with because they enjoy walking, sightseeing, history, trying different foods and pretty much the same things as me. I have other friends who are great for a night out or to meet with the D.C. in the park. I wouldn’t think about going on holiday with them though. Their idea of a great holiday is sitting by the pool all day, everyday, drinking and topping up their tan. That would bore me to death.

@LemonPeonies The friend does not appear to use a wheelchair normally. She can not walk longer distances so takes taxis. The only "care" OP provided was to go shopping for supplies and push a wheelchair in the airport - she did not need to push the wheelchair, staff will do that.

Friendships are rooted in equality - it's not the same as love, where you might make personal sacrifices and not mind so much.

If one friend is pushed into the carer role or ends up with the responsibility of planning and booking and paying for more than their share, this isn't an 'equal' experience. It actually damages the friendship. And it's not your job to ensure someone else has a good time at the expense of your own experience.

I don't see this as attacking disability, more that 2 people have very different requirements from a holiday and their particular styles aren't compatible for a whole week at a time.

OP, I wouldn't criticise to get the holiday you went on as it will hurt her feelings unnecessarily and what's done is done and cannot be changed now. I think the best approach is to say you have things planned already/that you want a more active experience. Don't make it personal, even if she has been a bit thoughtless re the planning and spending.

I think you'd be okay doing a short break with her in the future, but changing how you go about it, so that you do get to go off and see what you want to see and meet up for dinner etc. But let her know in advance that you are going to explore a bit , so she knows not to expect you with her 24/7.

@NoisySnail This limited their choices though as it sounds like they couldn't get taxis for whatever reason. Its in the OP's title "limiting my holiday ". If she can't walk far and OP wanted to go for a walk, she can't. She's clearly taken the caring role without it being discussed first, just expected to do it all.

"Caring for someone " involves assisting a person with things they're unable to do. It's not just personal care/ toileting. Having to manage a holiday based on limited choices, navigate places to go/ things to do, shopping etc falls under that. I bet there's more smaller things OP ends up doing that she hasn't mentioned as well.

Yes, this. OP's friend is using her as an unpaid carer.

OP, if she needs this level of assistance she needs a professional carer, not you. She really is in CF territory expecting this of you even once, let alone repeatedly! Sounds like you didn't have a holiday at all.

And what happens if (or when) her health deteriorates further? Will she expect help with medications, toileting, whatever? I've just come off seven years as my mother's carer and you don't want to go there.

Being a caring supportive friend unpaid carer expected to organise everything and pay for their friend's extras and be complained at if everything isn't as friend wants it isn't for everyone I suppose.

FTFY.