To expect DP to not drink once in a while when I'm pregnant?

[FirstBaby9894]

Pregnant, 20 weeks, first baby. DP is NOT a big drinker at all, only drinks out, usually 2 glasses of wine max, a bit more on a very big night. Right after we found out I was pregnant, we went out for dinner and he asked me if I minded if he drank. I said "don't be silly, of course it's ok"...I was nauseous and sick and just super happy about having a baby. He had a glass of wine, which at the time was the last thing I craved.

20 weeks in, it's starting to bother me. He actually drinks MORE sometimes because he now always has a designated driver. I don't mind him having a wine with dinner...but socials are so hard. So boring. I am so sick of fucking juice (I hate sweet drinks) or sparkling water.

Tonight we're going out for a friend's bday and the friend has picked an event centered around a wine launch. Everyone will be drinking. It will be expensive too, even the mocktails are £15. I am dreading it. I would feel so much better if he just didn't drink tonight. I can't quite explain why, just some solidarity? Has anyone else felt this way? Am I unreasonable?

It's making me want to cancel tonight but I haven't seen these friends in such a long time and I feel so out of the loop.

I'm just missing out on so much. Have had to cancel trips with friends, business trips. I'm too tired for big socials. It's been a HARD pregnancy and he has actually been very supportive in every other way. But his life is the same, lots of socials, and it just really bugs me has not ONCE ordered a bloody alcohol free beer...

I would understand if he was out getting bladdered every weekend. I've recently been pregnant myself and didn't once stop my partner or expect him not to drink. My partner chose not to drink closer to my due date for obvious reasons.

Yes, YABU. Understandably so, though.

DH stopped drinking when I was pregnant. He also stopped eating the fun stuff I couldn’t have. It was very supportive and I felt very loved. However, it’s not really something I think is reasonable to ask or expect.

I think you should tell your DH how you’re feeling. Pregnancy can be tough, and the feeling that you’re missing out on stuff can be so overwhelming.

But you said you didn't mind. If it's bothering you, you need to tell him, he's not a mind reader and to the best of his knowledge you're fine with him having alcohol.

Personally I wouldn't and didn't mind DH drinking whilst I was pregnant but neither of us really drank much before pregnancy so he was probably only drinking at most twice a month.

Also can't you arrange to meet this friend doing something you could both enjoy at a later date. A wine evening doesn't sound a great place for a catch up at this point.

You are being completely unreasonable! 😂

'I can't have any fun so why should he' is so childish, OP.

Some people mind it, some people don't. I didn't care at all whether my DH drank or not as it had no impact on me particularly.

@ZipZapZoom it's a group of friends and it's had to get all of us in one place. We live abroad, someone is usually travelling somewhere.

Tbf, I would want to be with the sort of man that would WANT to stop out of solidarity!

Well, I didn't drink anyway, so no, I never minded DH drinking when I didn't, because that was normal for us. Food wise I didn't give up anything or change anything we ate, so no issue there either.

Personally, if you fancy a couple of drinks I'd have them. And yes, you are being unfair not letting your partner enjoy a guilt free drink.

@mynameiscalypso it sort of does have an impact though. If you have 2 glasses of wine, you're likely to want to stay out much longer. Meanwhile, I'm drinking juice, everyone is getting tipsy, will want a third round and I'll want to go home because there really is only so much water I can drink. But he's tipsy so doesn't want to go home. So I either sit there and put up with it or become the fun police.

YANBU

This annoyed me when I was pregnant too.

Yes ok they don’t need to be teetotal as they aren’t pregnant, but annoying to just sit and watch them get pissed all the time (even if not heavy drinkers).

Would it make you less annoyed if he just had a couple?

@RedHelenB I'm ok with him having a drink. He's had 3 socials this week already. He had 2 pints last night, a few pints on Tuesday and a wine on Monday. I just wish he'd just once decide not to drink when we're out together.

YABU.

You can always go home and he can get a taxi home later.

But he's not making that decision off his own back if you're forcing him.

Oh god I’d feel awful if my husband gave up everything I gave up, why should both of us miss out on nice things?!

I think you are being a little unreasonable, him not drinking won’t change your experience.

Do you mean that your diet didn’t contain anything you weren’t supposed to eat when pregnant? Or that it did, but you just figured it wouldn’t do much harm?

Obviously nothing to do with the post, I’m just curious. I spent my entire pregnancy longing for sashimi, pate, smoked salmon, charcuterie and forbidden cheeses. My first meal, post delivery, was sushi. 🤣

I think its unreasonable to say he can't drink at all, although he definitely shouldn't be getting drunk. If you go into labour early, of course can get a taxi to hospital, but he still needs to be with it enough to support you.
I asked my husband not to drink from 35 weeks in case I went into labour, but apart from that I didn't stop him. I quite liked it when he got a glass, i would take the tiniest sip of his wine to live vicariously, not even enough to swallow, just letting it touch my lips so I got the taste.

So you are fine usually. And this event is the one you don’t want him To drink at. An event centred around a wine launch?

Why this one?

Agree that if you're driving, you decide when YOU go home. He wants to stay out, he can get a lift or cab.

Then you see your friends but cut out when you've had enough.

YABU.

Totally unreasonable of you OP!

I certainly didn’t ask him to. His logic was that there was no way anything he did would equal what I was going through re pregnancy, but he could do this small thing as a show of solidarity.

I didn’t and don’t feel at all awful about it. He’s a big boy. While we missed them, nine months sans a few treats did neither of us any harm. 😊

I know what you mean. It's just a bit of solidarity once in a while, isn't it? Your other half actually understanding in a real way what you're giving up. You're not asking him to give up drinking completely, just occasionally.

I think also it's nice sometimes to have someone else there who isn't drunk, who you can have a non-drunk conversation with.

When I was heavily pregnant we were invited to a wedding. DH assumed I'd drive and he'd drink. I knew the evening would go on for ages, and there would be an hour long drive home afterwards. I felt exhausted just thinking about it.

Eventually I asked him to stay sober and be the driver, so that I could just relax. But also I think I wanted him to understand a bit more how it felt to be pregnant. I was glad I did it, and he didn't have a problem with it.

I don't mind him having a wine with dinner...but socials are so hard. So boring.

Well there's your problem I think.

Socialising with your friends shouldn't be so hard and so boring without alcohol.

Perhaps change your friendship circle?

@Itsonlymashadow well, I know everyone will get plastered and I'll just get bored and want to go. And that's just a bit shit. At least if he wasn't drinking, we'd be in the same boat, stay for a couple of hours then go for a nice dinner together and get home for an early night.

Whereas if he does drink, he'll talk incessantly about how good the wine is, insist on staying longer so then I have the option to 1) go home and spend the rest of my Friday night alone or 2) stay with a bunch of drunk people.