To expect DP to not drink once in a while when I'm pregnant?

[FirstBaby9894]

Pregnant, 20 weeks, first baby. DP is NOT a big drinker at all, only drinks out, usually 2 glasses of wine max, a bit more on a very big night. Right after we found out I was pregnant, we went out for dinner and he asked me if I minded if he drank. I said "don't be silly, of course it's ok"...I was nauseous and sick and just super happy about having a baby. He had a glass of wine, which at the time was the last thing I craved.

20 weeks in, it's starting to bother me. He actually drinks MORE sometimes because he now always has a designated driver. I don't mind him having a wine with dinner...but socials are so hard. So boring. I am so sick of fucking juice (I hate sweet drinks) or sparkling water.

Tonight we're going out for a friend's bday and the friend has picked an event centered around a wine launch. Everyone will be drinking. It will be expensive too, even the mocktails are £15. I am dreading it. I would feel so much better if he just didn't drink tonight. I can't quite explain why, just some solidarity? Has anyone else felt this way? Am I unreasonable?

It's making me want to cancel tonight but I haven't seen these friends in such a long time and I feel so out of the loop.

I'm just missing out on so much. Have had to cancel trips with friends, business trips. I'm too tired for big socials. It's been a HARD pregnancy and he has actually been very supportive in every other way. But his life is the same, lots of socials, and it just really bugs me has not ONCE ordered a bloody alcohol free beer...

But if he doesn’t get drunk, why are you ranting about wanting a sober partner every once in a while? Either he drinks a lot more than you implied in your OP, or you are exaggerating the impact it has … can’t be both ways

Which is not the description of someone who is not a big drinker. He's drinking most nights of the week and having several drinks. Presumably you also drank similar amounts before you were pregnant if you don't see this as a big drinker? I think with this in mind it was daft to think he'd change once you were pregnant and it's even more illogical to presume he will stop once the baby is born, if anything I'd expect him to be out even more nights.

But that’s different to your op

I would feel so much better if he just didn't drink tonight.

The thread appeared to be about this one event. You would like him to not drink occasionally but tonight is the night you want him not to. Which is what I find strange given the event.

But you are saying it’s not specific to tonight. I get wanting to go out occasionally where he doesn’t drink. It’s just odd to decide it for this type of event.

saying to him ‘it would be nice once in a while if you wouldn’t drink when we go out’ is fine.

But that’s different to ‘I don’t want you to drink at a wine launch tonight. I am fine with it usually but specifically not tonight simply because I feel you shouldn’t tonight’

Pregnant 3 times never once even entered my head to ask hubby to not drink I find it weird that some make wee issues

Get over it.

It is like the designated driver asking their passengers not to drink to support their sobriety.

If you are worried about being tired and out late, agree a home time. If he wants to stay late, he can get a taxi.

You've actually counted and are able to recall his drinks and how many?

Blimey.

OP, I think the reaction you're having is because you've focused on this specific event which is based on drinking wine. I think yabu to ask him not to drink at a wine tasting event. You would not be unreasonable to ask him to join you on the soft drinks on a different occasion and leave at the time you want to. 3-4 evenings out drinking a week is a lot.

But for this event, I'd tell him either that you don't want to go as it is alcohol focused, or that you will attend for a couple of hours then drive yourself home and if he wants to stay later he can get a taxi back.

@Tandora for one, 2 glasses of wine means I am the designated driver. Again. And forever. And if 2 glasses of wine is nothing, why can't he not have them? I've had the most awful pregnancy and I resent the fact that all I can do is work or lie on the sofa, while his life is unchanged and he doesn't even realize it.

Goodness me if you think it's bad now, wait till the baby is here.

You sound very woe is me.

OK, I am unreasonable and I'll shut up. So everyone who is SO worried about my DP not having his glass of wine every Friday night can rest easily.

But to be accused of being an alcoholic is too much. I'll stop reading now.

@FirstBaby9894, I've probably missed you as you've stopped reading now but I just wanted to say that I don't think it is unreasonable for you to ask him to make some effort to show solidarity with what you are going through and to improve your enjoyment of some events! I've asked my husband to not drink so that I don't have to drive late at night when I'm exhausted and he has been totally supportive as I'd expect my partner to be!! Sure he's not carrying the baby but it is his baby so why should you be the only one making sacrifices? I am sorry you've got such a hard time here! I think it's a shame we have such low standards for men when it comes to supporting their pregnant partners.

I hope you're not planning to breastfeed if you're this resentful of him now...

Basically you've chosen to grow a baby inside your body, you knew this meant you would have to give up alcohol for at least 9 months.

Yet you seem SO resentful that this isn't the case for your DH, I really do wonder if you're not being honest about your past relationship with alcohol.

You don't like him drinking, you don't like his friends, you've said you won't be making other friends.

Just stay home and let him get a taxi. That has to be the best solution all round.

** to not drink on some occasions

@FirstBaby9894 I get you OP! I’m 17 weeks and genuinely watching DH drink annoys the crap out of me. I know it’s irrational, I know it’s unreasonable - but it’s how I feel.

Very similarly, at the start of the pregnancy DH proudly told me he wouldn’t drink while I was pregnant. I thought that was so sweet but completely unnecessary and told him so. So then it changed to he won’t drink wine (my drink of choice). Normally between us we’d have a couple of bottles of wine between us to last us over Friday, Saturday, Sunday. He now gets beers in and has a couple most nights and honestly it drives me mad - the smell of it, the way he slurps it, the burps… But I know it’s my issue. I hate beer so it’s not like I’m jealous of him being able to drink it, I’m just tetchy. He’s amazing in pretty much every other way so I’m willing to put up with this (plus it’s not fair of me to stop him regardless).

Funnily enough it doesn’t bother me if we’re out, only when we’re home, so not quite the same situation as you.

I think people are picking your words apart quite a lot here - you’d have got a lot more sympathy posting on the pregnancy boards ❤️

I’m sorry you’re frustrated and feeling unsupported OP. I think you’re getting a few silly responses as well.

As someone who almost never drinks I get it. Drinking is the activity at some get togethers and a wine bar means that it clearly will be. You want someone to share your experience at the event and resultingly want the same things as you. He probably would want to go home after lunch if he wasn’t drinking as the event won’t be nearly as fun. What can you do at a wine bar if you’re not drinking! The whole thing is designed around that. If he’s drinking then he’s going to want to stay and you’ll have to sit and be bored and then try and convince him to leave. That’s a miserable night of boredom for you when he could also want to go after a fe hours and you could have a lovely night.

i think you need to tell him that you want to go after a few hours and you don’t want him to drink. Be honest that this type of event can’t be quite boring if you’re the only sober person and you want a more fun night. He should be trying to make pregnancy as easy as possible and this is one event where he can.

But OP, why go if you're going to find it boring?

You can't expect your friends to stop socialising because you are pregnant. I can understand you wanting your DH to not have a drink when he's with you, but if you're bored why not stay at home and have a film night in with your feet up?

When baby arrives, there will be lots of things you can't do. There will be things where one or other of you goes out and has an evening off while the other stays with baby at home. That's normal.

Can you socialise with other pregnant ladies, from NCT or another group?

My ds's dad stopped drinking when I reached 35 weeks. Before that, it just wasn't necessary.

Just tell him you don't fancy driving tonight and ask if he can. Problem sorted without any drama x

If you want him to drive then say so! YANBU to ask if he can share the driving ! Especially if you are pregnant and tired.

And if 2 glasses of wine is nothing, why can't he not have them?
I didn’t say two glasses is nothing- it’s two glasses of wine. You said he’s not getting drunk, so I said why are you ranting about needing a sober partner? And why should he not have couple of glasses of wine? He’s not pregnant.

I've had the most awful pregnancy and I resent the fact that all I can do is work or lie on the sofa, while his life is unchanged and he doesn't even realize it.
this is what is so unreasonable. He’s not pregnant. his life hasn’t changed. Thats just the reality. There’s no need to spoil his fun and resent him, just because you are having a miserable pregnancy. Thats just spiteful and childish.

Ah op I sympathise, I was never much of a drinker but it's not fun being the only sober person. I never expected dh to stop drinking but he's like your dh he isn't out getting bladdered regularly either. Dh switched to non alcoholic closer to my due date and when we went out together we just agreed that we'd go home when I got tired and it was never an issue. It's just one of those parts of pregnancy.

Personally I'd have said no to an evening centered around wine tasting. No mocktail is worth £15 and I'd have suggested meeting that friend to do something else nice instead.

I think people are picking your words apart quite a lot here - you’d have got a lot more sympathy posting on the pregnancy boards ❤️

There's also an alcohol dependency board that might be useful to the OP, if she's struggling.

I think you're being unreasonable. It sounds like you're miserable so you want him to be miserable too.

I think people aren't understanding what the OP is saying. There is fuck all fun being surrounded by drunks every time you go out. All she's asking is for her partner to not be so ignorant of her lack of enjoyment of it!

OP, DH used to drink quite heavily when I was pregnant and it was completely out of character for him. He said it was because I was always the driver etc, but I got heartily sick of it. Yes you may only be 20 weeks but emergencies happen in pregnancy and it's not too much to ask of him not to drink every single time you go out.

Ok for what it's worth in case you Do read this Op I don't think you're being unreasonable at all!

I bet all these people saying get over it and get used to the fact that it's Just You who have to sacrifice are the same people who will be doing All the night feeds, making all the parenting decisions and then taking on all the additional mental load of having a child while OH carries on oblivious as before... It's ridiculous to suggest that you're a borderline alcoholic just for suggesting that your partner - whose baby you are carrying - cannot once on a night out Join you in not drinking as a show of support, appreciation and solidarity. It's really unempathatic and inconsiderate.

I'm with you.

Except she isn’t.

She later said it doesn’t have to be specifically tonight. It could be just occasionally which is more reasonable.

But if it doesn’t matter what night it is, it’s not really about not wanting to be around lots of drinks. Because if he says ‘ok I won’t drink the next time we go out’ then tonight she would be in a room full of drunks anyway. But happy that he won’t drink the next time.

I think YANBU really.
I love white wine and also drink lager so asked DH to only drink red or real ale while I was pregnant.
I had a high risk pregnancy so he didn’t drink in my third trimester in case I needed rushing to hospital with a bleed.
Baby is a joint project and you are doing the work, you get to be a bit unreasonable if you want!