To expect DP to not drink once in a while when I'm pregnant?

[FirstBaby9894]

Pregnant, 20 weeks, first baby. DP is NOT a big drinker at all, only drinks out, usually 2 glasses of wine max, a bit more on a very big night. Right after we found out I was pregnant, we went out for dinner and he asked me if I minded if he drank. I said "don't be silly, of course it's ok"...I was nauseous and sick and just super happy about having a baby. He had a glass of wine, which at the time was the last thing I craved.

20 weeks in, it's starting to bother me. He actually drinks MORE sometimes because he now always has a designated driver. I don't mind him having a wine with dinner...but socials are so hard. So boring. I am so sick of fucking juice (I hate sweet drinks) or sparkling water.

Tonight we're going out for a friend's bday and the friend has picked an event centered around a wine launch. Everyone will be drinking. It will be expensive too, even the mocktails are £15. I am dreading it. I would feel so much better if he just didn't drink tonight. I can't quite explain why, just some solidarity? Has anyone else felt this way? Am I unreasonable?

It's making me want to cancel tonight but I haven't seen these friends in such a long time and I feel so out of the loop.

I'm just missing out on so much. Have had to cancel trips with friends, business trips. I'm too tired for big socials. It's been a HARD pregnancy and he has actually been very supportive in every other way. But his life is the same, lots of socials, and it just really bugs me has not ONCE ordered a bloody alcohol free beer...

I chose not to drink at all whilst TTC and pregnant, I wouldn’t have dreamt of telling DH not to drink. Good luck with your pregnancy OP, it’s a very exciting time. Best thing I ever did, having my two DS.

Yeah, yabu.

if you're struggling this much without alcohol, how healthy was your relationship with it before conception?

So if you say "look can we stop for two hours and then go and get dinner" he'd ignore you and get bladdered? He can have a couple of beers and go for dinner

Yanbu. Yes he doesn't have to etc etc. But if I announced I was on a super strict diet for health reasons (not just because I'd randomly decided to) I'd be a bit peeved if my husband ordered a big takeaway and sat munching it infront of me, while the smell drove me mad, and banging on about how good it was. I'd know I'd be a bit unreasonable to tell him he couldn't treat himself, but a bit of recognition that, for those that enjoy a regular drink, abstaining for a whole 9 months is fucking hard (especially when you can't replace it with other fun things like cured Meats and cheese) would be nice, and people drinking around you just makes it harder.

YABU because you need to tell him!! Yo said you didn’t mind so of course he’ll drink. If you’re driving; you decide when to leave and he can get a taxi or stay at a friends. I’m a bit surprised you find it so hard or boring to socialise sober; it doesn’t bother me if I’m with my friends.

My thoughts exactly.

Yabu you are pregnant not him.

But a bit of solidarity wouldn’t go amiss would it? Instead of taking advantage of his new designated driver?
Of course he can drink if he wants to, but while his partner is carrying his child it would be thoughtful if he cut back a bit instead of actually drinking more.

Hi I do get your point. When I was pregnant with DC1 I raised a similar point with DH. Not to ask him to stop drinking but that we do more activities together that weren't centered around the pub / having a drink. I.e cinema/ bowling which he agreed to.

I bet all these people saying get over it and get used to the fact that it's Just You who have to sacrifice are the same people who will be doing All the night feeds, making all the parenting decisions and then taking on all the additional mental load of having a child while OH carries on oblivious as before

Wow! Did you drive a forklift for that massive reach? 👀

The OP is pregnant, not her husband. There is no need for him to 'support' her sobriety unless she has a problem with being alcohol-free.

Oh for heavens sake, how old are you? The world does not revolve around you just because you are pregnant.

@FirstBaby9894
Gosh what's with all the negative responses!
Pregnancy is hard! Yes your partner should show solidarity and Yes it's very reasonable to ask him to not drink every once in a while.
I'm sure PP alluding to possible drink problems must be having a laugh.
I'm 29 weeks pregnant, and had IVF so it's been quite some time since I last had a drink, and I wasn't a big drinker at all.. but I miss the social side.. and completely understand you!
Always being the designated driver does get a bit boring.. I'll continue, though, obviously.

I think you should speak to your DP about possibly doing a few sober evenings (maybe not for the wine tasting obviously) I think that's very reasonable

Hope you're pregnancy is OK and these comments haven't driven mad!

I got a chronic illness seven years ago and had to give up alcohol due to medication, I have never expected my DH to not drink at social events! It’s difficult at first but you can have as much fun not drinking at social events, or just choose not to go if you really don’t enjoy them atm, it’s really not a big deal.

I’m with you @FirstBaby9894. You aren’t asking for the world and I’m sorry you’ve had a hard time here.

Yes, exactly this. I initially voted YABU because I don’t see why two people should have to suffer less nice non alcoholic drinks when only one has to. BUT, it’s not so much the drinking as the associated behaviour, wanting to stay out much later, getting over tipsy and not considering your feelings at having to be the sober one. It would be ok for him to have a drink if he also recognised it’s not as much fun for you being sober amongst a big party, and suggested leaving a bit earlier or was considerate of you throughout the evening.

So no, YANBU for expecting your DH to be considerate of you during social occasions and understand that it’s not ok to be mr party tipsy late night animal when you’re getting a bit tired and bored. It worries me that he might take the approach that “we don’t both need to stay at home with the baby, you’re the one baby wants so why can’t I go out partying” later on. Hopefully not.

OP has got negative responses because it sounds strange. If my partner wanted to be a vegan that's their business. OP stated herself that her partner does not drink a lot. A woman's life does alter the most in many many ways no point being delusional about it. OP doesn't have to go along to every social if its bothering her watching others drink. It does read as though OP is alcohol dependant because otherwise why is she so concerned? 🤷

I quit drinking 5 years ago. My husband didn't. For a while I resented him when he drank but that was MY problem, not his. I stopped hanging out with certain friends as all they wanted to do was drink. It sounds like you don't really even like these people? Make some new friends? Meet other women who are pregnant? I appreciate you've said you only have 10 weeks mat leave but you're still going to need a support network of other women who get what you're going through when you're in the early months of motherhood. Yes, it's hard. Yes, you have to make some sacrifices for your child. Trust me, this is just the first of many, and it isn't going to serve you to be resentful of your husband that it isn't impacting him in the same way as it is you. You can plan for things to be as equal as you want, but mothering and fathering an infant are different loads to carry.

Honestly you read some of these replies and you wonder would you actually say this if a friend was telling you the same thing face to face? Why the outpouring of bitterness and negativity on here like what is it?
anyways I was going to say I feel the exact same way, I don’t really mind my partner drinking but every once in a while I look at him and I’m like I’ve had to change and go through a lot in this pregnancy and your life’s not changed at all… honestly yes it would be nice if out of solidarity he was AF with me but I’m not insistent on it
i really miss drink though, I don’t really care if anyone thinks that makes me an alcoholic tbh lifes hard enough and I like my vices. Love vaping, drinking and smoking and I miss them so much, but it’s obviously all worth it for our babs

I don't know if you'll read this, OP. but I hear you and I get it. I had to beg my DH to stop having more than 3 or 4 drinks when I was 38 weeks on my 2nd pregnancy. He laughed and said he wasn't going without a beer at such a stressful time, especially if I'd be late. It didn't feel very supportive and it felt very irresponsible, like it wasn't his problem.

I would try and tell him how you feel - that you would prefer sober company when you're sober all the time and would like to have nice dinners and time at home with him. Hopefully he'll listen and understand.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope you love being a mum x

Surely the only person who can guage the needs of the op is... The Op?! And she has said she feels unsupported, so by ignoring her request - which she has stated she made - he's being really inconsiderate.

And your analogy doesn't work btw, as far as I'm aware fork lift tricks don't have an extensive reach just great strength... 😂

ALSO the stupid gotcha of “well you’re definitely alcohol dependent then because otherwise you wouldn’t care about your partner drinking” ok and?? maybe she is? Does that mean she doesn’t deserve support in dealing with that? It’s like some weird thing of like oh no you don’t deserve sympathy you’re alcohol dependent. Last time I checked people deserved compassion and support in dealing with that

No need to piss on his parade because you can’t drink. It’s only temporary.

Not to take the thread on a tangent, but of course forklift trucks are used to reach. That's why they're used in huge warehouses

Stupid? Erm we don't start name calling just because someone asked a question and I explained why the MAJORITY HAVE DISAGREED WITH OP. The irony 🤣