To expect DP to not drink once in a while when I'm pregnant?

[FirstBaby9894]

Pregnant, 20 weeks, first baby. DP is NOT a big drinker at all, only drinks out, usually 2 glasses of wine max, a bit more on a very big night. Right after we found out I was pregnant, we went out for dinner and he asked me if I minded if he drank. I said "don't be silly, of course it's ok"...I was nauseous and sick and just super happy about having a baby. He had a glass of wine, which at the time was the last thing I craved.

20 weeks in, it's starting to bother me. He actually drinks MORE sometimes because he now always has a designated driver. I don't mind him having a wine with dinner...but socials are so hard. So boring. I am so sick of fucking juice (I hate sweet drinks) or sparkling water.

Tonight we're going out for a friend's bday and the friend has picked an event centered around a wine launch. Everyone will be drinking. It will be expensive too, even the mocktails are £15. I am dreading it. I would feel so much better if he just didn't drink tonight. I can't quite explain why, just some solidarity? Has anyone else felt this way? Am I unreasonable?

It's making me want to cancel tonight but I haven't seen these friends in such a long time and I feel so out of the loop.

I'm just missing out on so much. Have had to cancel trips with friends, business trips. I'm too tired for big socials. It's been a HARD pregnancy and he has actually been very supportive in every other way. But his life is the same, lots of socials, and it just really bugs me has not ONCE ordered a bloody alcohol free beer...

I'm amazed by the results here. I don't think you're being unreasonable. It's already hard to not be drinking at drinks-focused events. When the time you spend at that event and the quality of that time is very tied to how one other person behaves, as it is when you're in a couple who arrive and leave together, I think it's fair to be mindful of that, pregnancy or no pregnancy involved. I wouldn't necessarily expect him not to drink at all but I'd expect him to be mindful of not drinking to a level where it creates a strong distinction between how you can each engage with the occasion, out of courtesy.

TBH many men I know have stopped drinking during their partner's pregnancy out of solidarity and to create a more equal social experience between the two of them so that has coloured my expectations. I like that approach and rate them for it.

I also know people whose partners have been alcoholics and, once they sought help and went into recovery, their partners also gave up alcohol. For life. Now that's love.

I don't think you understand what people are saying.
Drinking doesn't mean getting drunk. If OP needs alcohol to enjoy her regular social group, then there's a bigger problem.

I drink, 2 glasses of wine at most, when I'm out, so do my friends. All that happens is tongues loosening and the conversation becomes pretty wild. I don't see how that's boring, quite the opposite! We get tipsy but not drunk. Sometimes I don't drink at all and it has no impact.

Either the OP is very boring without alcohol and can't keep up. Or her friends get actually very drunk which can be boring.

Her being tired, designated driver etc etc are all separate issues that are just confusing the actual question. If she wants him to stay in with her then that's a different story!

It's not like he can't drink at home.

Also emergencies make zero sense because you can't predict it! What if he doesn't drink 1 time out of 4, and the emergency happens during one of the other 3 times?

OK, I couldn't help reading more responses. I think by trying to explain myself, I've managed to make a bigger deal out of this than it actually is. A few of the nasty replies got my back up and made me want to justify myself further.

I would like to go out, catch up with these friends, have some nice conversations, and leave when people are getting tipsy and have an early night with my DP.

If DP drinks: 1) we end up staying much longer, 2) I am the designated driver at a point in the day when I am VERY tired. This happens every single time we go out on a weekend and it's getting annoying.

I don't mind this, usually. I am frustrated that he hasn't once thought that this might be a bit boring for me and decided, of his own accord, to have a sober evening so I have a bit more company and someone to drive me home once. I just think it's inconsiderate and was wondering if others would feel the same.

The other issues around work, missing the UK, having a hard pregnancy (it really has been a nightmare), his socials, are tangential issues.

Thank you to everyone who has responded, although a few of the responses have been batshit crazy.

And people pointing out that me going to a wine centered event is not the best choice for me right now were of course right. It's a bit silly to go to an event where I know for a fact everyone will be tipsy within the hour and the whole point of it is to drink wine. So I will stay in tonight.

So would you expect me to not eat carbs or sugar to support my diabetic friend?
He would think me totally ridiculous for even suggesting it. And yes his life with T1 diabetes is terrible sometimes and he wishes he could eat what he wants like me. Bi he can’t and that’s that.

OP I personally would not feel the same. Because I would just get a taxi home myself. Or drive myself home. However, that's assuming that we don't go out that often.
If you're out at least once a week taxis will be expensive.

Personally I don't think the drinking is the issue rather he doesn't leave. In which case you're perfectly justified and driving home on your own and seeing how he likes it.

BTW I don't really have this problrm because as I said my social life isn't centred around drinking. If yours is, it'll only get worse with children so time to make changes. The bigger issue is him not realising that his life has to.

I think in your shoes I would just go out less - with him, certainly - or just go home when you feel like it, instead of staying out with him when you're not enjoying it. But it's best to talk to him about how you feel and give him the change to change his behaviour.

It does sound hard. I don't socialise loads with OH and we rarely had big boozy nights so when I was pregnant it wasn't a big deal not drinking - and he certainly didn't drink more than usual like your DH.

Oooooo what you gonna do when you're home with the baby and he wants to go to one of his numerous socials per week.... Good luck.
YABU though, but I get it. I missed rare meat and CAMEMBERT when I was pregnant. My DH ordered a camembert starter once when out and I was furious 🤣
It sucks being sober when you're surrounded by tipsy folk, but, you're only pregnant for a relatively short time in life. I'd be wondering if this was the hill to die on?

Why would you be bored if you can't drink?
You say your not a big drinker so why would it bother you?

It obviously is quite a nice event. Why can't he taste the wine at such an event?

If you don't want to be designated driver arrange a taxi!
Or if you drive and want to go home leave him to get a taxi!

Yes. He's not the one who's pregnant, presumably.

Stop thinking ‘I can’t drink - poor me - everyone else can - it’s not fair’

instead think - ‘ I could drink if I wanted to - but I know it is risky for my baby and so I am CHOOSING not to do so.’

plenty of women go against advice and drink , smoke, eat soft cheese etc throughout their pregnancy . I am NOT ADVOCATING doing so - but asking you to consider why you are following these guidelines and to see them as ‘ I am making positive choices to keep myself and my baby well throughout pregnancy.’

you are pregnant - not your partner . There is no reason on earth for them to stop doing everything because ‘it’s not fair’ to you !

frankly - ‘it’s not fair’ that I have multiple severe food allergies and have to follow a very strict and very boring diet… I do it because the alternative is being very very sick. I don’t expect anyone else to follow my boring bland diet as there is no need to and I am not bitter about this - I have accepted this is just is the way it has to be for me and I will not expect others to follow the restrictions that I have because ‘it’s not fair that I can’t have x,y,z’

Life isn’t fair…

stop being a martyr over pregnancy ‘restrictions’ (as you see them now) or choices as I see them. They last such a short time.

start empowering yourself with a positive mindset that enables you and your baby to be well by making the choices that will keep you and your baby safe.

Have you told him how you feel? Maybe he doesn't realise that you want to leave early?

Honestly, the risks are so small, and vary country by country, and the advice varies too. So, yeah, I ate all of the above, and very rare steaks too etc.

OP, I’m sorry if I’ve missed this but have you spoken to your DP about this/asked him to not drink occasionally?

YANBU OP

alcohol is very much part of our society and socialising so it’s hard going without for the best part of a year

Also OP YANBU it’s one of the many shit things about being a woman - having to be the one to go through pregnancy and having your body not be your own

Yabu to want him not to drink but YANBU to want to leave at a reasonable time. Agree a time to leave and make it clear you don't want to look like the fun police so will be really unfair if he doesn't leave happily at the agreed time without whinging.

Ok, you are not unreasonable to ask your partner to agree that you’ll both go home/leave at xxx time once/twice a week when you’re out and it’s ok to ask if he’ll stay sober too. It seems like the root for you isn’t that he’s drinking, it’s that drinking leads to late nights which are definitely boring and tiring when you’re pregnant.

YAB extremely U to expect him to read your mind on that though! You need to sit down and have a conversation about it! Also, if you’re at all short like me, you won’t be able to fit behind the wheel much longer so he’ll be out of luck then anyway!

Also, what is “a social”? Is like a specific thing where you’re living?

How utterly pathetic. Dictating to him that he can't drink because you can't is just nasty.

I think you are being massively unreasonable and actually quite selfish. He’s not going out getting absolutely smashed or out every night.
I do not understand why some people expect their partners not to drink because you can’t. There’s no need for it at all.
You are an adult, just go home on your own when you’ve had enough, why do you need to wait around? I’m sure you are capable of spending a few night at home on your own.

YABU. If you think it sounds like an awful event, send him on his own.

It's no fun being the only sober person in the room.

If you don't fancy it, don't go. That way he can drink and drive.

all I’m saying is there’s a real person behind this post reading all the horrible replies and probably feeling even more vulnerable. But well done on being right I guess

When I was pregnant one of my best friends got married. At a venue within walking distance of my house! I went to their stag do (gay wedding so mixed sex event) and their wedding and had a great time at both despite being stone cold sober. It would have been lovely to have a drink but not being able to didn’t spoil things.

My DC have SEN and if I go out, I need to be able to get back quickly because sometimes I’m needed urgently. That means driving. Always. Last month I went to a 50th birthday celebration that involved drinking at various venues (games hall, pub, then curry house). I was drinking coke all night 😂

Yes it would be nice to drink sometimes and I have an occasional glass of wine at home. But the point is that I still enjoy my friends’ company, even when they’re tipsy and I’m not drinking.

It might be different if they were necking shots but they’re just drinking socially. If you have to drink to fit in, that’s an issue - either with how you socialise or with the friends you choose.

What I find helps is ordering a mocktail. You might not get the buzz of booze but it feels much more fun and special than sipping water.

YABU in my opinion. It's part and parcel of being pregnant and a small price to pay for a healthy baby.

When I was pregnant I was happy that my husband drinking at social events etc, why would you want him to be miserable and not drink just because you were? Let him enjoy it. You'll be able to claim back a few nights of him being a designated driver once baby arrives 🥰