Gynaecologist remark to DH

[Gyneapologist]

in response to my dh saying he wanted me to have an MRI so he could stop worrying about me “I get it mate, you want to trade her in for a younger model’. We were both 😲

male, 60s and also an oncologist as this was a post-cancer appointment. Im
53 btw.

I feel equally humiliated and outraged
as well as lost for words. It was a quip and I’m sure many will say it’s harmless but I think it speaks to the culture of misogyny in the NHS. For context, I requested an appointment in regards to on-going pain from a serious post-surgery infection.

Horrific comment. I would report it.

(P.S. 53 is not old!)

@Gyneapologist - I am horrified on your behalf, how awful for you when you're already feeling vulnerable, I'm glad your DH was as aghast as you were.

In your shoes I would absolutely make a complaint.

Maybe the consultant was going for a "haha aren't we all so old?" vibe and trying to be relatable to your husband? He thinks because you're all middle aged, it is ok for him to "go there" with a generic old-fashioned quip?

If so, he's severely misjudged it and as a gynecology oncologist of all specialisms should know that this is really not the thing to joke about.

I suspect the gynae didn't think his words through at all, because in light of cancer and the MRI, the consultant's "joke" kind of implies your husband secretly wants you to die.

Also the "trading in for a newer model" is so crass and insensitive for women who've had gynecological cancer.

Definitely complain about this. Intimate specialties like gynecology, life-threatening illnesses like cancer, and male doctors treating women are all things that require extra sensitivity, and he demonstrated that he's beyond incapable of the required empathy and social skills.

I'd report it to the GMC because PALS probably won't do anything except "we're sorry you feel that way" and giving you the consultant's version of events.

Not very funny but not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. People do often trade their partners in for younger models. A reality of life therefore a subject of 'comedy'.

You don't have to like it, but probably best to just move on now.

I always stick up for HCPs on here - always. But not in this occasion. This is f ing disgusting and you should complain.

The vast majority of Mumsnet members will disagree with you, as this thread clearly shows.

On the whole, women don't tend to trade their husbands in for a younger model, that's very much a male pattern.

And did you miss the part where the OP was recovering from cancer, which makes respectful and sensitive care very much a big deal in the grand scheme of things?

Are you trying to correct the OP? This has already been covered. He is a gynaecological oncology surgeon.

You honestly think a medical health specialist should be "joking" like that?

You don't think that's highly insulting?

Are you unable to read?
OP described that bloke just sitting there. That must be first year out of uni, as later then that they already do some stuff (as I wrote).
And first year out of university you are leveled as any other intern. Yeah, got academic background and no practical experience in your job.
I am surprised that people struggle to understand that being doctor involves training as other career paths do, and that involves patients being treated by someone who still didn't complete their specialization.
Yeah, registrars can have 4 yers of experience but they are not consultants. In any other field it is perfectly normal to acknowledge that (and be happier someone more experienced takes your case).

No I was correcting my own post where I said an oncologist said something to me but it was an obstetrician. It's directly above that post.

In the circumstances, it doesn’t even make sense.

Did either of you tell him he’s an arsehole?

This is definitely the question to ask. 🙄

Out of interest, are you a man?

Good question. It’s a deeply mysoginistic view.

but not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things

Of course not, the OP's only recovering from cancer, for God's sake.

When did you have the empathy removal operation?

Yes hilarious. Have some fucking empathy

You can have very experienced doctors who are not consultants. Some will never be consultants but that doesn’t mean they are not qualified doctors with a lot of responsibility. That’s why the term junior doctor is so misleading and should be scrapped. It leaves the door open for idiots like Victoria Atkins to call them all trainee doctors.

Honestly? I'd have found that quite funny.

Really? If my Dh or I became seriously ill, I imagine we’d both go to as many appts as we could. It’s often a good idea to have a second, not ill, person there to keep track of the questions, work through what you’re being told. So why not your life partner??

Experienced doctor is not the same as person who just got out of university.
And experienced doctors 100% don't sit while someone else examines patient as OP described. That is what fresh ones do before they even move to SHO level.
Agree about term junior doctors being wrong for many, but in London hospitals I know people who are in some sort of specialization are usually called registrars or senior registrars and they can spend career at that level,no one calls them junior.

If the doctor wants to practice comedy he should become a stand up comedian. If he wants to practice medicine he should develop a bedside manner that includes empathy and compassion.

.. I would want to be treated as the competent, independent person that I am.

Well, bully for you....but you didn't add 'crass' and 'insensitive' to the list of "qualities"??

I can't imagine ever choosing to take my husband with me to an appointment, even though he is medically qualified

Well, sure he is! * *😏😏

It is very normal, and often encouraged, to have a supportive other adult with you during important medical consultations, especially things like cancer where it can be a very emotional meeting. It helps to ensure that important information is remembered - more likely with two people rather than one, often an upset/worried/emotional patient. It also helps to make sure important questions are asked and not forgotten in the appointment time.

Whilst it may not be common in general appointments it is very common, ime, when it comes to appointments about cancer and other serious medical issues.

It's nothing to do with having a more traditional relationship. It's everything to do with support.

In that situation it's easy to miss something important, so this is very wise.

VesperLind, on the other hand, has just received the award for the stupidest and most irrelevant question of 2024.....unfortunately the poster left their acceptance speech in the toilet which was probably the best place for it.