Gynaecologist remark to DH

[Gyneapologist]

in response to my dh saying he wanted me to have an MRI so he could stop worrying about me “I get it mate, you want to trade her in for a younger model’. We were both 😲

male, 60s and also an oncologist as this was a post-cancer appointment. Im
53 btw.

I feel equally humiliated and outraged
as well as lost for words. It was a quip and I’m sure many will say it’s harmless but I think it speaks to the culture of misogyny in the NHS. For context, I requested an appointment in regards to on-going pain from a serious post-surgery infection.

Erm why does that matter? I assume because quite often people with cancer take someone with them to consultations because they want support. It's also generally recommended.

@saraclara. I’m so sorry for your loss. I imagine your DH was beyond grateful for your support 💐.

Definitely make a complaint. He needs to know that was unacceptable behaviour.

OP. This is shocking reading. I am so sorry that you (and other posters) have suffered this indignity while already going through an already unimaginable time, from the person who has been charged with your recovery and well being.

Please complain. It might just stop others from having to go through this.

I wish you and everyone on here going through health struggles all good wishes xxx

Don’t expect any complaint to get anywhere. I know a Dr convicted of stalking, sexual harassment and sending threats to a member of staff. That’s convicted not accused. Guess who lost their job? Drs boards close ranks.

I hear you @Emeraldsrock but we still need to complain. At least as patients we won't lose our job over this. Hopefully us complaining will weed out some of the bullies of staff too. Fingers crossed.

🙄🙄🙄

Oncology appointment, very standard to have someone there to support. Hope you’re ok OP and the consultants behaviour is appalling

Please do complain OP

I posted a while back under an old username about my worries about a procedure I was booked in for with a male gynaecologist and had mixed responses about the relative merits of male and female gynaecologists. I went to my appointment with an open mind and it was actually horrendous- he didn’t complete the procedure which was carried out in a painful and brutal way, didn’t up date my patient notes and onward referral and I received an apology from the hospital a few moths later. The lovely woman gynaecologist that I eventually saw completed my procedure in half the time that the original one bodged it up and when I mentioned the original crap man she said ominously, “he’s gone now. He lasted 6 weeks”. I will never ever have a male gynaecologist near me ever again and would sell all my worldly possessions to pay to go private if that were the only option. What an absolute bastard OP, to say that in any context but especially in a post-cancer medial consultation. What kind of fucking weirdo goes in to that profession and behaves like that towards women?

Really not acceptable at all. Especially as you would obviously be relatively vulnerable. And of course it was absolutely fine to have your husband with you, if you wanted to. Most people find hospitals scary places, and a lot of information can be exchanged in appointments, so moral support can be very useful for many people.

And why am I not surprised that it was a gynaecologist. Whilst some are lovely, they have a depressing reputation. I remember one of our female O&G consultants telling me that she had raised to their clinical director that the department felt misogynistic, and was apparently told that it was a bit of a rugby club culture, and she needed to get used to it.

As doctors we're meant to be there to try to make things work as well as possible for our patients, and this sort of crap doesn't help. I am sorry. Your feelings are justified. As would your complaint be, should you choose to make one (usually easiest by contacting the hospital's PALS service). Things aren't as bad as when I was a student, but it still isn't as good as many of us want it to be, and as women deserve it to be.

I don't know your feeling on crude humour as a coping mechanism. If you don't like it, skip the last bit...................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Old bitter medical "joke": what's the definition of a speculum? A medical device with a cunt at either end.

I'd definitely complain- nothing changes if you don't.

I remember a male consultant saying to me 'I don't think your husband would give you permission to have the baby at home'. DH was there and looked really worried for the consultant as he knows I tend to get bolshy at the suggestion I need to get permission! I complained and he apparently was sent on some training.

Yeah because that’s the crucial part of the OPs post.

There do exist supportive men!

My Husband always comes with me to consultations.

Not only for support but It's an extra pair of ears incase I miss anything, forget to ask any questions I need answers to and he can also hear first hand exactly what the consultant is saying.

I know a million PP have already made this point, but:

1. why would that comment be okay even if they were a “traditional” couple? Do “traditional” husbands generally wait for their wives to get cancer so they can find a younger wife?
2. Great that you’re so independent. I am too. I do all my medical appointments alone. I don’t have any serious or life threatening illnesses, and I wouldn’t want to find out potentially devastating news and then have to be the one to re-tell that news to my husband. I’d much prefer we hear it together and both ask our questions together about news that could drastically impact both of our lives. I hope that never happens to you.

Classic MN first response. Miss the point and imply OP is lying...🙄

Appalling behaviour - sorry you experienced that Op. I'd complain, even if nothing was done, it would make me feel better than not saying anything.

Hope you're ok.

Yes complain

You could complain to PALS - don't know if they'll be any help.

The clinicians behaviour was unacceptable.

Contact the PALS unit at the Trust to make a complaint each by both you & your husband.

It is not uncommon for some very senior NHS clinicians to be ‘tolerated’ & ‘monitored/coached’ as their communication style is outdated & possibly inappropriate, & that it is their very scarce skills or very high success rates that keep them in post.

PALS will do as they can to resolve this informally for you & your DH before any formal process is launched. It may be enough that the clinician apologies to you or you are moved to another team?

As you contact the PALS unit, take a small while to consider what you want the resolution to be.

Shocking. Really sorry you had to deal with that, OP, it's unacceptable.

I also had a dodgy encounter with a (female) gynaecological oncology consultant, as it happens - not as bad as yours but bad enough that I did gently feed back to the hospital. My feedback was passed on with my name and the consultant wrote to me, which I found a little unsettling (I wasn't warned of this - it wasn't an interpersonal conflict that needed resolving) so if you want them to keep your feedback anonymous, say so explicitly. The consultant might know who it was anyway (depending on how many misogynist remarks he makes in the average day) but at least you won't have to receive an awkward "apology" letter...

Dear God, what a rude and insensitive comment. Both you and @VesperLind sound equally lacking in empathy and obviously see yourselves as superior to others when infact you are equally fucking clueless.
Some idiots on here make my blood boil.

@Gyneapologist I am so sorry you had to endure the stupidity of this doctor. Please, please complain to PALS. I work in the NHS and this should not be happening at any level. Consultants are the trainers of junior doctors and we do not want people like this influencing anyone. I wish you all the best in your recovery.

OP has had cancer. Is it really beyond your wit to work this out?

Sorry op - YANBU. Totally inappropriate

When I was transferred by ambulance from one hospital to a more specialist hospital as my baby was threatening to be born at 25 weeks, the male oncologist I saw sighed and grumbled and said that the original hospital "should keep their own problem patients". (Not because I was a problem personally but because my medical situation was complicated). The midwife looked at him in horror but didn't say anything and neither did I.

I also had a hysteroscopy that was incredibly painful. The male doctor doing it started off by swabbing me internally with some sort of dry cloth really roughly. The procedure was then unbearably painful and he got the nurse to physically hold me down so I would keep still as I was writhing in pain, couldn't help it. When it was finished and I was in shock and pain he just looked at me and said "most women don't find it that painful" as if there was something wrong with me and it was my fault. I was mid 20s and didn't have the confidence to say anything in response.

When my premature baby was in NICU I also had female staff saying I was lucky I was getting free babysitting.

Obstetrician not oncologist