Financial issues between DS and DSD

[SlimShaddy]

My partner and I live together with my DS (12) and his DD (13). I warned him before he moved in that DS’s father is wealthy and DS benefits greatly from this such as schooling, clothes, holiday and possessions etc. I on the other hand am not wealthy and neither is DP. He said this wasn’t an issue.

it was fine for the first few months but DSD soon started getting jealous of DS. He basically gets whatever he wants including state of the art laptop, latest iPhone, expensive gaming PC, designer clothes etc etc however, he works most of the weekend with his dad and “earns” cash for doing so.

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. DSD on the other hand goes to school and does nothing else. She even refuses to do chores for pocket money.

The latest incident was DS came home with £400 trainers and £500 cash from working with his dad. DSD hit the roof and demanded the same amount be spent on new trainers for her and she also wanted £500 cash. I told her DS had earnt the cash working and his dad had bought the trainers - we simply don’t have that kind of money!! DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money which again isn’t going to happen as this has been going on since long before they moved in with us.

The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about.

This can’t work can it? AIBU to think we simply need to split up as things will never be equal between them?

Sorry, that was for @HedgehogHighway .

The whole set-up sounds weird, to be frank. SD sounds a brat, and going into your son's room and damaging his things is totally unacceptable and she should face consequences for that. Also demanding that she has to be given the same as your son is given by his father is totally unacceptable and she needs to be told this, too - and that life doesn't work like that. Some people get more than others - fact.

Why does SD not do chores at home? Both children should be learning that they are expected to help out at home.

Yes, your ex is spoiling your son (element of creating mischief between you and your partner, methinks - ex probably knows full well what he is doing and the likely repercussions), but your partner is insane if he thinks for one minute that your ex should give the same to his daughter (where is his pride to even suggest such a thing?). Not a snowball's chance in hell of that happening.

I am curious as to how you thought this setup would work under these circumstances? How can you stop your ex giving money and expensive equipment to his son? You could ask him to cut down the amount he spends on your son and put most of the money into a savings account, but will he do that (especially if he senses that it's causing divisions, which may be what he wants)?

I'd still be very careful he doesn't decide dad's is a better option.

That’s insane , your DS’s dad is nothing to do with your DSD - why on earth should he treat her as though she is ? Would your partner be happy to allow your ex to have contact with his child ? To have her when he has his son or for him to decide that she has to do clubs etc ? No , of course not because it’s absolutely ludicrous just like it’s ludicrous to except a man that has nothing to do with his child to spend the same amount on her as he does his own son!

it’s bloody weird that he even said it !

Tell the little madam to get off her bottom and get a job

Realistically, I don't think there are that many jobs around for 13 year olds? Maybe babysitting, although I would have thought that was more from 14.

So DS has worked for his money ( which could be discreetly put into an account, or kept at his Dads) whereas DD doesn't want to work, even if the offer were there.
How does she ( or you) know what the trainers are worth/cost? I suspect DS of bragging. He needs to learn to be more circumspect. DD needs to start earning her pocket money/allowance, but maybe she also needs a bit of a break - she isn't living with her Mum, who is sofa surfing, so without her own home, and maybe DD has had a difficult time. Maybe a little indulgence wouldn't hurt, sounds like she's been through a lot.

Imagine expecting another man to pay for your own daughter. He should be picking up some extra hours somewhere if he wants his daughter to have more cash.

Please take your sons laptop and ps5 back from her. As much as people are saying she resents DS, he'd be well within his rights to resent her for taking his big items! 100% put a lock on his door too. Poor lad, he sounds lovely.

I don’t see it is as the father trying to cause trouble at all - him doing this seems to predate OP moving her partner in. The father is doing what all parents do in providing for his child proportionate to his means to do so.

You and DP treating them differently would be one thing…you are a family. Your ex has nothing to do with your new DP and DSD.

I’m surprised your DP is being so irrational - maybe he feels bad he can’t provide for his daughter in the same way.

£500? To a 12 year old child?

Absolutely.

Or it’s simply a case that he was wearing them and she recognised them. Teenagers knowing trainers and the price of them isn’t unusual.

If your partner can't parent his daughter and take sensible action to address it rather than making ludicrous suggestions then I think you may have to split up. He needs to sit his DD down and explain the situation to her, acknowledge life isn't fair, but that's nobody's fault in the household and that she needs to accept it. He needs to explain that money isn't everything and that she is fortunate in other ways. And that she could make extra money if she did chores. He then needs to kindly but firmly manage his DDs behaviour so that this doesnt unfairly become something you're expected to resolve. If he can't do these things, then you will struggle to have a harmonious life.

Yes? What about it? That’s where ‘proportionate to his income’ comes into play - £500 pound for him may very well be akin to £50 for someone else.

The boy worked for that money. His father is wealthy, he goes to private school, and is likely to follow his father into his business. His reality isn’t one in which he’s hurting for money (or drive and work ethic).

I totally get why DSD feels upset, it's possibly hard not to feel upset about a younger step sibling having a far better life (material wise) than you and not understanding why.

I don't agree with her outbursts but they're possibly some sort of reaction to a lack of security of self worth etc etc?

Are you able to have a word with ExH and tell him this is causing issues and maybe tone down the gifts or ask for them to be left at the Ex's house to be used there?

Although she sounds pretty hard work I don't think I would be ok with my children living with, sharing meals with, hanging with etc etc a step sibling whose financial life was so different that it was causing these issues. I just don't see how they will get any better.

This could be a really good teachable moment for your son to see how totally innocent actions and comments can be perceived differently.

just to make it clean, you are NOT being unreasonable!

Your ex can buy your/his son whatever he wants when he has him and if he's earning money by working when he's with his dad good on him. Your dsd sounds jealous of this and if it's causing tension now it's only going to get worse

That’s hardly fair to the DS. It’s on her father to address her issues, not on the DS to lose out on his things and be expected to appease his stepsister’s jealousy.

I really wish posters wouldn't be so spiteful and viscious about children. It doesn't sound like either child is getting a great deal out of this relationship.

DSD has by the sounds of it come from quite a volatile background. Doesn't sound like mum has things together to say the least. She has been moved into a household with a child her age who gets things she could probably only ever dream of. The adults on here can spit vitriol eg 'she's a spoilt madam' and 'she needs to get a job' because how dare she have a parent who's sofa surfing rather than a parent who can afford to pay very generously for work and shower with lavish gifts on the side. The reality is most adults would struggle to process this never mind a teenager. I suspect that intentionally or not DSD is being put on a bit of a pedestal against seemingly perfect DS also who seemingly has a wonderful work ethic and is neat as a pin and can do no wrong

DS on the other hand has to tolerate being at the receiving end of DSD's frustration. He has to put up with her tormenting him and invading his private space. He's also being made to feel very negative about having a good work ethic and having a parent who is supporting him the best way he knows how. He has some random guy invading his home and basically demanding that he divides his assets that he's either earned or been lovingly gifted by his dad between him and another random child.

I don't see how the adults in the situation didn't see this coming from a mile away. It's up to them to manage this and they should have set expectations before they came close to cohabiting. The shame is 100% on the parents here not the kids.

Neither of the kids sound anywhere near as derranged or entitled as their parents tbh so I really don't know why they're getting such abuse

He’s a child. He didn’t study the trades for 3 years and then start a business and then win the job in fair and open competition. He’s massively privileged compared to DSD and implying to her “you’re lazy for not doing chores and earning like your step brother does” is cruel and gaslighting, because she doesn’t have the opportunity to earn the same as her parents aren’t wealthy.

I totally agree with you.

But if his child is in a (potentially occasionally) toxic environment surely everyone involved can make some minor changes?

I disagree with making her issues his problem. He’s also a child and shouldn’t be expected to not have his things and be walking on eggshells in his own house lest he say something the stepsister takes issue with. He goes to private school - if that bothers the stepsister should he then never speak about his school? Or anything he does that stepsister isn’t able to do?

Your son needs to stop talking about how much money he has in front of her and there is really no need to have mentioned how much the trainers cost. I wouldn't even know how to spot a 400 quid pair of trainers unless the price ticket was literally pointed out to me, and I imagine neither would your step daughter. It sounds as if he's enjoying rubbing her nose in it a bit. I'd be having a word with him about learning to be a bit kinder and less boasty. It's really not a nice quality.

400 quid is an insane amount to spend on trainers for a child of that age anyway, while his feet are still growing, but that is not the point. He needs to learn some tact and some humility. Acting the Flash Harry the whole time is going to make him very unpopular.

That said, she needs to understand that she's not entitled to demand that you and her dad somehow make up this shortfall. Your DS is no different to any other of those rich/spoilt kids at school who always seem to have more pocket money, the best phone and the 'must have' clothes ahead of everybody else. He just happens to live in the same house. It's annoying but that's life. She may as well get used to it. Surely she realises that none of this is her dad's fault. Envy is not a nice quality either.

Exactly. She’s a 13 year old CHILD. all very well to say she should ‘get a job’ and play Cinderella while her stepbrother is showered in cash and gifts.

it may not be anyone’s direct ‘fault’ but this sounds like a hugely damaging set up.

This child is 12.