Financial issues between DS and DSD

[SlimShaddy]

My partner and I live together with my DS (12) and his DD (13). I warned him before he moved in that DS’s father is wealthy and DS benefits greatly from this such as schooling, clothes, holiday and possessions etc. I on the other hand am not wealthy and neither is DP. He said this wasn’t an issue.

it was fine for the first few months but DSD soon started getting jealous of DS. He basically gets whatever he wants including state of the art laptop, latest iPhone, expensive gaming PC, designer clothes etc etc however, he works most of the weekend with his dad and “earns” cash for doing so.

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. DSD on the other hand goes to school and does nothing else. She even refuses to do chores for pocket money.

The latest incident was DS came home with £400 trainers and £500 cash from working with his dad. DSD hit the roof and demanded the same amount be spent on new trainers for her and she also wanted £500 cash. I told her DS had earnt the cash working and his dad had bought the trainers - we simply don’t have that kind of money!! DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money which again isn’t going to happen as this has been going on since long before they moved in with us.

The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about.

This can’t work can it? AIBU to think we simply need to split up as things will never be equal between them?

I’d stop living together until the children leave home. Only way to prevent jealousy as they are in fundamentally different life situations.

@SlimShaddy

She messes with his laptop so he gave it to her? She goes in his room and messes with his stuff 'for a laugh' so he gave her his PS5 to keep her out of his room. Fuck that!!!

Is Little Madam facing any consequences for her actions because it sounds to me as if she's being rewarded for them by getting given things that belong to DS.

At the very least I'd put a stop to that shit! DS can have a lock on the outside of his door for when he's gone. And I'd tell him that in future if he wants to give DSD any of his possessions that it must be approved by you first. Actually, I'd end the relationship.

It doesn't matter why DS's dad gives him things and it's not going to 'ruin him' or make him entitled. He's his dad and he's entitled to do as he wishes. My BiL was much the same with his and DSis' children. They were very wealthy and they lived 'the lifestyle' that included cars at 16, every gadget you could name, expensive clothing, and fantastic holidays. Did it 'ruin' them or make them 'entitled'. It did NOT! BiL put them to work at his business at about your son's age to teach them the value of working and earning. And they were taught that they were fortunate to live as they did. And they've grown into two of nicest and kindest adults there are.

I think to be honest your partner is a little jealous too! He will be jealous that your ex is affluent and also that your son is proactive.
H your son is not the typical 12 year old boy though and he will probably be a high achiever. It's a tricky situation but your SD needs to help herself a little more and maybe just start small and help at home.Little incentive such as empty the dishwasher for a small amount etc and hopefully it will build up to more.

Acknowledging reality isn’t waving it away. This IS her reality, and will continue to be if OP and her partner remain together. That is something she needs to be helped to accept, and she also needs to be taught that her negative emotions don’t give her the right to behave badly. Not to teach her those things would be to do her a great disservice, because bratty children often do become bratty, bitter and unpleasant adults that no one wants to be around.

Both my husband and I worked every weekend and school holidays in a family business. We were paid the going rate. I never thought about other friends or what they did or whether they were jealous. I bought my own clothes, paid for my own entertainment.

My husband worked in his family business also had a paper round. He was a saver.

When we decided to get married he put down a 50% deposit on our first house , all down to his savings. We used to joke that his paper round paid for it.

I would encourage your son to start saving rather than blowing it all every time. Money saved will annoy DSD less.

DSD and DP just have to suck it up. Your ex is wealthy, he expects his son to work hard.
Your DP is not wealthy and doesn't expect his daughter to work. So be it.

I’d move out @SlimShaddy - you don’t have to split up but it doesn’t sound fair that your DS has your DSD messing with his stuff, going in his room etc and being treated to an entirely different standard, like not even doing chores. From your DSD’s perspective she lives with another person her own age who she just can’t compete with in terms of drive, application, ambition, resource and money. Easier to do nothing rather than try.

I think they both need their own space and the attention of their own parents and no blurred lines or expectations - they get what they get but it’s in their own territories rather than a shared space.

I think your DSD behaves very badly

What consequences does she have for not looking after her room? And going in and messing up your son's room

And your son has been more than generous to her

Acknowledging reality isn’t waving it away.

No, but responding to this one with "suck it up, brat" and telling yourself it's character building is ridiculous and adult-serving. You could justify and wave away any kind of crap behaviour ny saying the person won't change, so suck it up or leave... except the child can't do that. So the focus should be on her father who is failing in his duty rather than on her, the child, for not being astoundingly mature and wiser than any of rhe adults who apparently didn't see this coming.

Children who experience what they see as great injustice thanks to the adults pleasing themselves, and are then sneered at as "brats" for reacting as children often do and told to accept it, don't tend to grow up as wonderfully well balanced adults either. That's just a more verbose way of calling it character building when it's more likely to be destructive. But now I'm going to get the "I was perfect at this age in this adult-created situation" crowd, thus bringing it full circle.

Whs is DSD allowed to go into his room to mess things around, change icons on his laptop, etc?

It doesn't seem like it's working for either child. As they get older, it is likely they will find living with each other even more stressful. I wouldn't be happy to have my DS in this position.

I told her DS had earnt the cash working.

This is really problematic, no wonder your DSD is getting upset. If she was able to “earn” £500 of a Saturday afternoon I’m sure she would but clearly these are not earnings, they are huge, unnecessary handouts. You need to speak openly and honestly with both of them. Your DSD is being gaslighted about what is happening. She needs her parents to be truthful about what is happening, not comparing her refusal to do chores for presumably much less cash. Who could blame her for that. Your son and ex sound really uncaring and lacking compassion for the impact of this on others in the household.

I’d move out @SlimShaddy

She shouldn't have to move out it was her home he moved into.

I just don't think this can work, it's not fair on either child. Your son sounds great, it's good that he's motivated, and hardworking, but obviously it's much easier for him to be these things when he's being significantly rewarded for being so. It's not fair for him to feel bad about that, he's just extremely lucky. But equally I think it's quite damaging for your step daughter, realistically even if she worked twice as hard as your son, it's just not going to be possible for her to earn an equivalent amount, no wonder she's unmotivated and resentful, she's 13.

OPs ds worked for a month for £500 not a Saturday afternoon. It wasn't a handout, he put the work in and earned it.

Your partner really hasn’t been fair to his child. This was obviously going to be an issue, but he put his own wants above her needs. Two children living radically different lifestyles in the same household just isn’t sustainable.

Really, you can’t be a family at any age if you are living radically different lifestyles. This would be just as difficult if it were a boyfriend and girlfriend moving in together where one was poor and the other wealthy and they decided to keep completely separate finances. The imbalance would always be a wedge between them.

This is really problematic, no wonder your DSD is getting upset. If she was able to “earn” £500 of a Saturday afternoon I’m sure she would but clearly these are not earnings, they are huge, unnecessary handouts

Think you've posted on the wrong thread.

OP's DS didn't get £500 for a Saturday afternoons work.
It was a full month...

The only problematic thing here is the DSD seems to want the money without doing any work..
Not a good trait.

I think that DS is too generous to DSD and you risk a long term habit developing where she is always after his stuff ! It could go on for decades !

Unless DSD can find a way to earn money too - pretty difficult at 13 in a legitimate way .

I don’t envy you OP .

Good point! The DP and DSD lived in their own place before presumably so perhaps time to call an end to a failed experiment.

that it needs to be dealt with is what I’m saying. It needs to be dealt with because she is displaying bratty behaviour. Her father so far is failing her AND she’s being a brat - the two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

It's not the disparity for me because life is like that and why shouldn't your DS have these things? And he's working to earn money.

It's your DP's solution that your DS's dad buys for his daughter! We would split up. A grown man with that lack of pride and thinking of the easiest (and most bizarre) solution that doesn't involve him actually doing anything. Not even explaining to his own child how this works.

I don't think this is going to work - even if you could teach your DS to be a bit more discrete about how much he has (nothing crazy just things like 'I got paid today, I can afford to buy us a takeaway' rather than 'I have £500, I can afford a takeaway'.. like adults would do really!)...

Because DSD does NOT understand why DS has so much more. It is beyond her comprehension at this point that a/DS works hard for it and b/DS has a very generous and wealthy Father who can reward that hard work.

Even if she DID work hard for it, her DF cannot give her the same as DS's can, and thats too much for kid-brain I think. Its too soon for her to grasp that life ISN'T fair sometimes and some people have wealthy parents and some do not, and trying to get her to accept that and be at peace with it when the evidence of this grim truth is right under her nose is a bit much.

It does also sound as if you feel that DS puts in a lot of effort and she doesn't, therefore she is lazy and bad.... and that might be true.

But some people find it VERY easy to put in that sort of 'get up and go' effort. It sounds like for DS, it is no effort at all, he enjoys it, he feels uncomfortable if he is not on the go, doing something constructive at all times.

For her to overcome her nature and do the same would potentially be FAR harder, involve far more effort and will power than it does for him.

I fucking hate that on Mumsnet it's acceptable and encouraged to say derogatory things about children, especially ones who aren't even here to have their say.

FFS some of you are awful

Sounds like a fairly shit deal for your son. You also don't seem that keen on your step daughter, and I haven't heard any positives about your partner really. It doesn't sound like it's working for anyone really.

Why on earth did you and your boyfriend impose this situation on your kids!?

I am always stunned by posts on here where parents are in such a rush to foist strangers on their kids as the cost of having a 'partner'.

Your ds deserves more than the home you are giving him currently. His father hasn't done anything wrong either.

Pack up your laughable 'dp' and his jealous dd. This situation is completely untenable and your ds having to put up with this girl violating his space is shocking. Be better @SlimShaddy

I don't think this relationship is going to work @SlimShaddy, at least not while both children are living with you both.
Your DS sounds like a very sensible young man, and while DSD does sound very jealous I think we do need to bear in mind that she is still very young - there are plenty of adults who would be similarly jealous.

Have you read the entire thread? If you have, how have you come to that conclusion? I am genuinely interested because it is so off the mark. Where have you read all of that?