Financial issues between DS and DSD

[SlimShaddy]

My partner and I live together with my DS (12) and his DD (13). I warned him before he moved in that DS’s father is wealthy and DS benefits greatly from this such as schooling, clothes, holiday and possessions etc. I on the other hand am not wealthy and neither is DP. He said this wasn’t an issue.

it was fine for the first few months but DSD soon started getting jealous of DS. He basically gets whatever he wants including state of the art laptop, latest iPhone, expensive gaming PC, designer clothes etc etc however, he works most of the weekend with his dad and “earns” cash for doing so.

This basically means he’s at school all week, has martial arts 2 nights a week, martial arts on Saturday morning and then works Saturday afternoon and Sunday morning. DSD on the other hand goes to school and does nothing else. She even refuses to do chores for pocket money.

The latest incident was DS came home with £400 trainers and £500 cash from working with his dad. DSD hit the roof and demanded the same amount be spent on new trainers for her and she also wanted £500 cash. I told her DS had earnt the cash working and his dad had bought the trainers - we simply don’t have that kind of money!! DP has now asked me to ask ex to treat them both the same which is ludicrous. His other suggestion was that I stop DS receiving these gifts and money which again isn’t going to happen as this has been going on since long before they moved in with us.

The next thing to come up is that DS is going to USA on holiday with his dad in summer which DP and DSD don’t yet know about.

This can’t work can it? AIBU to think we simply need to split up as things will never be equal between them?

It’s what he earns in a month. 50 hours over 4 weekends. Presumably cash in hand, so 10 quid an hour. At 12 it’s a very sweet gig, but it’s not beyond the reach of most adults.

It's not excusing the behaviour to say that adults should be realistic about the likely maturity of a child, especially before they put the child into a difficult situation or crap on the child for their response to it. After all, the adults made the choices to get what they wanted.

Far from being some kind of fantastic character building experience, this is likely to be wholly negative, and simply sneering that the child is a brat who expects pandering doesn't help and focuses on the wrong failing. She's drawn the shitty end of the stick she never chose in the first place; the adults' choices (and the idiocy her father is now displaying) are more worthy of criticism than her unpleasant but ultimately wholly unsurprising response, given she's a child.

I just hope that if this does spell the end of the relationship, the kid isn't then blamed for that too.

@jk8

(what 12 year old earns £500 for a weekend

Not the OP's as his was over the course of a month.

Your exh is entitled to buy his DS new trainers, pay him money for working on a decorating project for a month and take him to the US. Your new partner sounds deluded if he really thinks your ex should treat his DD as his own DS. He needs to point out to his DD that your DS worked for a month for his money. She could try to get her own part time job if she wants money. She sounds like she has no motivation or commitment to help herself or no aspiration either. Point out to her things do not get handed to her with a bow around it. Also point out you can't give your DS a lot of material things as you are not wealthy and neither is her Dad or Mum so she'll have to work for everything she gets but you are not going to stop your DS's dad from treating his son. I can understand the DD getting upset but your new partner sounds nuts. I'd tell him what your ex buys his own son is his business.

RTT. OP has said this £500 is for a month's work not one days.

I can’t blame your 13 year old DSD for her attitude, this entitled view of life is clearly something she’s grown up with so it’s all she knows.

As others have said, it’s your partner who needs to sort himself out. How are you benefiting from the relationship?

I can understand how this must feel for the girl, as her 'brother' has everything whereas she has very little. But there's not a huge amount you can do about it, if it's his dad giving him stuff.

Yep
Won't work
Run op run

f OP's DP had posted here everyone would have felt so sorry for him and his poor daughter.

That's because there's a lot of posters on here who seem to think that new partners and extended family have a duty to financially top up their children/treat all children identically because parents happen to be in a relationship etc.

I'm always amazed on here how many people are willing to throw a strop with their siblings/parents/wider family and demand their new boyfriend's children are provided for in the same way as their children. They seem to forget that new boyfriend's children aren't related to their family and if/when the relationship end, the family has no connection to those children.
I'm also amazed how often people stamp their feet and demand their boyfriend's family do the same. There's usually some "aww hun, they're so mean to your kids if they don't give their son's girlfriend's children a £100 gift. They need to accept you all. You're a family" with a healthy dose of manipulation on the side "if boyfriend's family don't treat all the kids the same then that's the last time they'd be seeing any of us. Tell your DP that it's all the kids or none of them".

There's some amazing posters who share about healthy, blended families, and an awful lot who seem to have very unhealthy expectations of ex partners and extended family in my opinion.

I don’t think this situation is good for her, but I also don’t think her behaviour can or should be waved away with a ‘poor girl…’. What isn’t character building is failing to recognise, address, and discourage the unpleasant behaviour, because that certainly won’t serve her well in adulthood.

I’m not ‘sneering’ at her at all. I do however think she’s behaving like a brat, and encouraging a sense of entitlement is doing her a disservice. Her reality is that her stepbrother’s life is different to hers and probably always will be. If OP and her partner decide to continue their relationship then that IS something she needs to come to terms with and accept, because it isn’t going to change.

OP is this one of those posts where the DSD is actually a DSD through you marring her Dad or is she the DD of your Boyfriend that has moved in and he is now laying down the law on how things should be done?

Nonsense! Most employers won't employ teens until they have their National Insurance number, and how many people do you know that still buy papers?!

@SlimShaddy

You're spot on. It's ludicrous. Rather than teach and explain to his daughter, your DP wants the easy (nice) fix.

You don't necessarily have to split up but if I were in this situation I'd be asking DP and DSD to move out.

It’s not gonna work
why should she have the same as your son she wants it she earns it

Can’t believe people are suggesting ‘run’ and split up. It’s a sticky situ and maybe no perfect answer but why can’t they work through it together as a family? DSD is a young teen, obviously she’s stroppy and feels hard done by but with the right guidance she won’t be that way forever.

DSD needs to do chores at home for cash (not optional, no ‘she doesn’t keep up with them’, she has to do them) and get a job once her age permits. Maybe have DS chat more about what he does at work, how much he had to do, what tasks were hard etc so it clicks with her - to her he’s just leaving at the weekends and coming back with cash from dad, she needs to accept that he works.

DS and DSD then need to both be humble about what cash they do have, no need to rub new trainers etc in anyone’s face (not saying he did, just an example).

Over time DSD will probably realise she’s better off being pally with her step brother and she might get a fancy bday present.

This must be torture for him then and confirms how badly you need to finish the relationship for the sake of BOTH children.
One is bitterly jealous and resentful- a feeling backed up by her dad. She is never going to get past this and it's quite clear to see why, especially through the eyes of 13 year old. She might be lazy and bratty compared to DS, but I'd imagine she's had a pretty shite run of it with her mum sofa surfing and her step brother being perfect and rich and showered with gifts (I'm NOT saying this is DS fault at all, he sounds amazing. But the comparison must be jarring).
The other child is already obsessive and anxious and is teased by his step sister who pushes his buttons by entering his room and messing it up and ruining his gifts and things he has worked for. He feels bad enough about this that he gives away things he wants for an easy life.
You and your partner need to separate for the sake of both of your children and put them before your relationship. It might hurt, but you are in for a life of misery trying to make this work.

I really do feel for your DSD (it would be incredibly difficult for any teenager to cope with this) but at the same time agree that your ex can’t be expected to fund her. Plus if your DS is working for the money but she isn’t then there is clearly some justification.

I think you need to have a proper sit down with your boyfriend and say that you’re not going to ask your ex to fund his DD, that’s on him and her mum. You’ll ask your DS to show some tact but that’s about it.

If he can’t deal with that and help explain to your DSD then the better thing would be to have 2 homes in the week but combine for To be perfectly honest I think that might be the best option anyway, I honestly can’t see this working. Surely it’s only going to get worse as they get older? Your DS and DSD sound like they are both having a miserable time.

I think you need to step in here and take that laptop away from DSD as she‘s changed settings without approval from the owner and therefore shouldn‘t be allowed to use it (and enter his room, he needs a key!).
why should she be rewarded for annoying him?
he‘s working and yes he‘s lucky with his dad but she sounds horrible and you‘re enabling her because you pity her!

This

This does not sound good for anyone in the household, including your DS. I really feel for everyone involved.

also, it’s not really normal fur a teen to just be handed over wads of cash like that.

Your dsd is a child and it is absolutely understandable she is insanely jealous. Who wouldn't be? Even adults would be if they were living with, watching someone living a significantly higher lifestyle than them.

It is not your exes responsibility to adjust how he parents his child, but it was also not in dsd best interests to be put into this very foreseeable unpleasant, for her, situation.

The solutions are unfortunately very limited, but should be looked at with dsd best interests as the priority.

Agreed. I can absolutely understand the DSD's nose being put out of joint. Who wouldn't be jealous (at 13) in this situation?? Not fair, especially as they live in the same home.

This is the second entitled parent/father posted about on here today, who expects others to fund their children. How did you respond @SlimShaddy when your partner suggested your EX paid for HIS child? I hope you laughed in his face.
Do not take from your son to make your partner and step daughter happy. He sounds awesome. Yes privileged, but he seems to know the value of money and that you need to work to earn it. Good on him and good on you and his dad for instilling that in him.
Edited to add, let him put a lock on his door to keep your dsd out of his room. That's not fair especially as he is so particular. She shouldn't be going in there at all.

Sounds like you would be better living separately.

It's not being "waved away", ffs. It's looking at what has been demanded of her, remembering she's 13 years old and being realistic and, dare I say it, adult and mature about it, because it's the adults who caused it...and the adult responsible for her isn't demonstrating the maturity the child is being shat on for not possessing either.

We don't just create unnecessarily difficult situations for our kids in order to please ourselves and then wave it away by saying "accept it, it won't change, you brat" and telling ourselves it's character building for them. That is total crap.

I’m still laughing at the idea that your current partner thinks your ex should treat his daughter the same as your son 😂😂 Is your partner crazy??!!

I get this must be hard for DSD but she has to realise that life isn’t fair. DS has a loaded dad who chooses to treat him. It’s not DS or DS’s dad’s fault that your partner is a lower earner 🤷‍♀️