Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

[Justablueone]

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

Some of the responses on here are hilarious... there was a post on here a few weeks ago from a woman who'd got into this exact situation of having to give someone a lift to and from work everyday, and it was wearing her down, couldn't do anything spontaneous after work etc. All the responses were the exact opposite of the majority here - the woman expecting the lift was a CF, stop doing it. Don't know why this poster is getting such a hard time about it, especially as the person getting the lift seems very entitled about it.

It's the fact that she won't share petrol costs and knows that you want to drop her school run...she then has the sheer audacity to turn on you instead of being grateful and offering money/offering to maybe take your kids for a few hours or something that just blows my mind. The sheet entitlement is shocking.

This, well done for being so supportive so far. It's unfair of your neighbour to expect to latch on to your family. I would have a chat with her and say as much as youve been happy to help her out it's now beginning feel like an extra worry over and above your own family responsibilities. I'd reassure her it's nothing personal then I'd wish her all the best in future relationships.

Now she’s called you names you have the perfect excuse to stop all lifts etc. no way would I be helping out someone who insulted me like that. She must think you’re both total push overs

It does make a difference though. It is nice to be able to drive by yourself without having to make conversation, having to wait for/collect someone else, etc. An occasional lift is fine, but not an obligation for daily lifts, unless it is some sort of office mate arrangement where everyone takes turns driving colleagues in their car.

Whilst it may seem petty, there's no way I would give a lift to anyone on a daily basis. I like to listen to shite music, eat my breakfast in the car and enjoy the peace. Its my time to gear myself up for the shift ahead of me.

I wouldn’t commit to a daily lift for my ungrateful neighbour. She seems very direct with her needs it might be time to be equally direct. Her childcare / transport are not your responsibility - point that out to her. I would say for the next 4 weeks you’ll support to allow her time to make other more sustainable arrangements but that’s it outside of reciprocal childcare emergencies, back to being good neighbours but not a complete support network - you’re not family / friends.

The OP isn't refusing to give her a lift, she is controlling what DP does, lucky man!

We’ve had to say no

OP isn't controlling her partner.

You may not be jealous, Op, but I think your 6th sense is warning you off trusting this woman too much, and probably your DH feels the same discomfort.

I think you're right to try and distance yourselves.

I had the same thing with a lady around the corner demanding a lift off me because our children attended the same school except all her kids couldn't fit in my car with mine so her bright idea was I collect all her kids and my eldest walk home I declined then she wanted a lift to the school to collect fine I leave at half past oh no we can't leave that early pick me up at ten to....no I leave at half past if you want a lift be at the house at half past three years later she hasn't shown up at half past she has moaned about me a lot though 🤷‍♀️ I'm all for helping out but I'm a fucking doormat sometimes

I hear you OP, both me and my husband would hate this. We are introverts and constant daily lifts when you're not fully on board with it would be so claustrophobic. I think sadly its a very common human trait for people to start feeling entitled to something that was originally offered as an occasional treat/help. You sound like you've been kind enough. She's a neighbour, not a friend or relative.

Entitled or?! Some people have no filter.

Op yanbu.
Is she your immediate neighbour or does she just live on your street?
After how she has spoken to you I wouldn’t engage in any further conversation at all.

I didn’t know so many people on here could have such brass neck cheek!

DH doesn’t own this woman anything, he’s an adult and he needs to leave earlier for his shift so she doesn’t just grab a lift, last min shift changes, go to the ‘gym’ first etc - I would become unpredictable and my phone would be switched off!!!

How dare she call you names and still expect lifts!

I don’t pay for my car, petrol, repairs, tax for some cheeky fucker to get the benefits.

More weight in the car means using more fuel. Very few non drivers understand this as they pile in with their luggage. I know I didn't.

This !!

I'd just tell her that he's being investigated for scabies and you were just trying to protect her. 😀

While it's nice to help out, it can be very draining to lose the ability to make spontaneous before/after work plans and the complete loss of getting in gear for work and private wind down time before getting home again. I'm with OP's husband. Particularly if the neighbour has got nasty and entitled.

You're absolutely in the right op, you cannot continue to support this woman ad infinitum. You reasonably tried to help initially but sadly no good deed goes unpunished.
Your neighbour does need to find her own solutions long-term.

I've been the recipient twice in life of repeated kind lifts.
First time, weekly petrol money. Second time offered but the person wouldn't take. Every now and then I would have to insist on giving and I let them know I was getting a car within the year.

In this case, it sounds very dependent on you both, and I'll be very honest I absolutely wouldn't be ok with random women spending this much regular time with my husband while I run her kids around.

That is true to an extent, but it's not the main point, really.

When somebody asks "Why should I pay my share?", my response is "Why shouldn't you pay?"

Yes, he would have been paying the full fuel amount anyway, but that was for his own private journey with his own music/podcasts/silence/thoughts and full flexibility to his own convenience.

Even if he were happy to keep taking her, her presence in the car with him has massively reduced the value of the trip to him, so why should he have to keep paying the same for a much less pleasurable and convenient journey? Why isn't she offering to compensate him for the extra (albeit non-financial) 'costs' of taking her?

It's not quite the same thing, but if you think about hotels and B&Bs, you don't spend that much of your time there using the toilet or the shower, so you could quite easily merge your usage in with that of the people in three or four other rooms sharing with you... BUT absolutely nobody would pay anywhere near as much for a room with a bathroom shared with strangers (many would outright refuse to book at all) as they would for a private en-suite - even though it will be empty and unused for most of the time.

Who would ever want to feel compelled to have the same lack of privacy and flexibility as you'd have on the bus, but still have to pay the extra cost to run a car? It's the worst of both worlds.

I agree.

My neighbour's husband was in hospital with severe dementia. This was just after my own husband had died. I felt sorry for her, because I knew what she was going through.

He son had had his car crushed - driving without an MOT and insurance.

I volunteered to take her to and from hospital, since the bus journey was so long and I wasn't working at the time.

I also took her to the undertaker when the time came. The problem was that she also wanted me to go into the appointment with her. She didn't want her sons there. I didn't want another visit to an undertaker so soon after my husband's funeral, but felt I couldn't refuse.

Then she needed to go into hospital in a hurry. I took her..but she wanted me at the appointment with her. I said one of her sons could go. No.

I finished up taking her and her two boys

I gradually managed to pull back, but I still get phone calls wanting lifts from time to time. They usually start off with "What are you doing today...?"

The last time was a trip to the dentist.

I've realised that when she was asking me about my work recently (I returned to supply teaching) she was actually checking which days I was free...

I'm not mean. I'm really not. She's not a poor old woman with no resources. Now that her husband has died, she's financially well off and can well afford taxis.

I need to keep my distance, however. Her middle-aged sons don't (officially) work. She has told me that she doesn't trust them. Nevertheless, she keeps trying to insist that I should employ them to do jobs around the house and garden.

I'm very uncomfortable with the whole situation, and I'm in it because I was too stupid to set boundaries.

This

I think you have a right to privacy in your own car. I love my car journeys to myself. Being able to listen to a podcast or sing along to whatever music. I’m with you op. It’s not your/dp responsibility to take her to work.