Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

[Justablueone]

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

It’s a 15/20 min drive or 2 buses which takes about 45 mins

I think I would seriously think about moving house! Sounds like she feels entitled to your help and time, this would make me feel very claustrophobic. She sounds like a classic case of 'give someone an inch and they'll take a mile'

Bloody hell life is too short for this kind of bollocks.

It is ridiculous that two people who live next door to each other would not share a lift to work when they are going to the same place at the same time. Irrespective of her personal situation, that is just a common sense thing to do. She absolutely should be contributing to petrol money, or doing some favour in return and I understand that her entitled attitude would grate.

Same with the school pick ups/drop offs. If your children are all going to the same place at the same time, it's just a total waste for both of you to be making that journey. Childcare before/after the journey is a different matter. Again, I get that her attitude is irritating.

If you don't feel that relations have soured to the point of no return, I think I'd probably have a very frank conversation with her about her attitude and the fact that she needs to be contributing to petrol and this friendship needs to be more of a two way street. If she continued to be a PITA after that, I'd probably knock the lifts on the head at that point.

What's her plan if your husband is sick? Or takes annual leave?

Right. So what difference does it make?

When I was in my 20s I worked in the same industrial estate as a neighbour, F 27, who I had been friendly with. She saw me going for the bus, 45 mins journey, as she sat in her car and drove. I would have liked a lift and give petrol money but I was too quiet to ask.

I had to wait 2 years and save up for my own car.

I can count on one hand the number of lifts I ever got. I tell this to people angling for a lift. They see me as bitter and get taken aback. You do you. Would she help you......????

I think I would continue to support the children as much as possible but say no to the work lifts. Dh needs his space before and after work. That way you are supporting probably traumatised dc.

You can pull back over time by schedules changing etc.

I think instead of trying to let her down gently all the time you need to give her some tough love.

She’s become too dependent and has lost sight of the fact that you are neighbours not her staff team. She needs to get herself to work and her own kids to school. She needs to grow up and take responsibility for her life. Yes, she has been through trauma but she is also massively taking the piss.

The name calling is the perfect excuse to draw a line on it all.

Yanbu.

Yes, he'd be driving that way with or without her, but the difference is that ordinarily he'd be enjoying the journey alone, without feeling like he has to wait for her, make polite conversation, let her know if his plans change, inconvenience her if he needs or wants to stop somewhere on the way, and so on.

I wouldn't bother explaining this to her, as you/your DH don't want to continue to give lifts, but the least she could do is contribute something toward the petrol costs, since she'd be benefitting while you/your DH do not. It doesn't sound like she offers much in the way of favours at all, in fact. That's not very neighbourly of her!

Straw man argument. Nowhere did I suggest she should. But she did ask if she was petty. Not giving someone a lift because they didn’t ask nicely enough is petty.

My drive to work and from work are my opportunity to decompress, get in the right head space for work/home and to rock out to some tunes. It's a valuable part of my day, honestly, which I look forward to.

I'd truly resent feeling obligated to provide a lift to someone every day. I love my solo drive to and from work, leaving when I want and sometimes taking a different route or popping into a shop halfway if i have time.

Your neighbour is not entitled to a lift and yanbu not to give her one. Unbelievably cheeky of her to get a job at the same place as your DH and seemingly expect a lift.

Driving in my car is more than just getting from A to B for some people . Its not about petrol money or anything else.

This! They would be the very last people to do it for others, were the boot on the other foot. But hey, much easier to dictate to others what THEY should be doing whilst not practising what you preach.

Id move house

100% not your problem.

Please don’t get sucked into this rabbit hole of feeling responsible for another persons life. You have done more than enough to help her.

@Justablueone

My question is why is she laying the blame for this at your door? Your DH is the one who is telling her no more lifts, she should be telling him that he's 'hostile, unkind, and petty'. Unless he's told her that he would be fine with it and that you are the one putting the kibosh on him giving her lifts. I'd be pissed if my DH used me as an excuse instead of taking responsibility for the decision.

If this isn't the case, then I'd wonder why she thinks it's all my fault. And the only thing I can come up with as a rationale would be if she thinks you're jealous of her. And why would that be unless she thinks/imagines your DH is 'interested'. This woman is only 8 months out of a DV relationship and may be emotionally vulnerable. I wouldn't want my DH (or any man) in a position where a woman may have developed some sort of a 'rebound crush' on him, even if it's an entirely innocent one. Not because I felt he would cheat, but because it would be very uncomfortable for him and eventually for her. And may lead to some sort of unpleasantness.

"told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty"

After this, I'd be very strict, no more lifts, no more school pick ups, drop offs, she basically no longer exists in your lives.

She has abused your kindness. She's taken it too far. Fuck her now, she's on her own.

I don’t think it’s ridiculous given the back story. Its not a ‘lift share’ it’s one person taking free lifts for herself and her child and giving nothing in return.

She has stated she shouldn’t have to pay petrol money and it sounds like she doesn’t give anything to ‘return the favour’.

Life is too short to allow people to walk all over you and take the piss out. (In my opinion)

Personally I wouldn’t give a lift, because it’s every work day. I once gave a lift for a year and she was late every single day!!
Furious if I didn’t wait for her. Didn’t like me listening to my own music/podcast/audiobook etc. Wanted to talk to me! My car is my alone time.
Would never give a lift again. They stop being appreciative and just expect.

I think it’s a bit petty given your partner is driving there anyway.

to the argument that your DP would be going anyway - 'yes, but he'd be able to be on his own and wouldn't have the awkwardness of having someone else in the car.'

Honestly OP, I think your line about adopting says it all. 'we wanted to help but we didn't agree to adopt you, you need to sort your own life out like everyone else.'

But I would keep an eye on the kids and do what I could to make their lives less shit, ensuring that she knew that it was a favour to them so that they weren't disadvantaged by having feckless parents, rather than a favour (or worse, duty) to her.

It does seem petty in one way. Thing is, you offered to do these things in the first place, but have now decided it irks you that she is spending that time with your DP. (I bet you he had told her 😊>with this face, “oh it’s ok I don’t mind).
So you are the bad guy.

You took on a lot to begin with which was kind of you, I’d find doing the school run for someone else hard. I’ve done it in emergencies, but made it clear we get up late sometimes, early, I nip out, we work flexi, have last minute leave etc. So it’s clear it’s a favour, a one off.

I wouldn’t want to give her lifts either. In the short term, to get her on her feet then yes, but not indefinitely. Days off, if you run late yourself, or want to leave early grab a breakfast, leave early - whatever, you can’t because you’re tied to her.

What does she do for you?

You don’t have to act like her parents.

I find I’m more than happy to help out people I like and rather resentful of helping out people I don’t like, so I don’t. Yes that means we often don’t lift share the kids when we could, but I’d rather both of us be inconvenienced than me be mugged off by the entitled attitude. I expect you feel exactly the same.

YANBU! I didn't get my driving license and a car until I was nearly 29. I was a single parent then. If someone was kind enough to offer me a lift, I would always immediately give petrol money and pay parking for them if we were going somewhere with paid parking (they didn't ask me). I made sure I took a job that was accessible with public transport, or a within walking/cycling distance. Likewise with my DC's childcare. Otherwise, I walked/cycled/took public transport everywhere, and planned my life accordingly. I never presumed I would get a lift. I now have my own car, and I do offer lifts to colleagues (I'll often give a shout out if anyone wants a lift home), but they never assume that I can/will do this all the time. Often when I'm driving home, I pop in the shop or have to run errands. Other times, I am using that time to decompress/listen to music. Sometimes, I cycle rather than taking the car.

When I was still with XH, he'd often go AWOL at the 11th hour and leave me in the lurch with the DC: even though I had childcare, it didn't cover the early starts/late finishes of my shifts and I needed XH to do drop off/pick up. I was the breadwinner and his antics really risked me getting disciplinaries at work - thank goodness I didn't, but it was bloody stressful. My wonderful friends would often step up and help me out with the DC. I was so appreciative and thankful to them (understatement!). And I would always reciprocate with helping them out as much as I could, whenever I could. But that's a two way thing, my friends and I help each other. I get OP's neighbour has had a really hard time, but OP and her DH have already been very kind and helpful to her already.

It's the entitled and rude behaviour of OP's neighbour that would really piss me off (and put me off helping). She's a rude CF to have showed up at your house insulting you like that! I hope she realises this and apologises to you and your DH. I'm sure a PP mentioned it but a few months back, I remember a thread about a CF who was getting lifts with a poster to work and being a nightmare in the car (tuna fish sandwiches stinking out the car etc). I seem to remember loads of people telling her to assert her boundaries and stop the lifts - this is what OP and her DH are doing.

I mean, she sounds a pain but… is your DH really going to drive by her as she waits at the bus stop in the pouring rain or the bus is cancelled etc etc. it’s going to make him feel like shit. If he can cope with that, then fair play to him.

“Hi neighbour. I feel like we need to clear the air. To be clear, we want to help you and are happy to give you favours from time to time. Being completely reliant on us for all transport though is placing quite a heavy burden of responsibility, and limits our freedom and flexibility quite a lot. I hope you understand that? If you can make your own arrangements for the majority of time, we can help you out in emergencies if plans fall through, as I know you would do for us. No hard feelings?”

And if you’re happy to compromise on the work commute (for environmental reasons if nothing else) maybe lay out some boundaries, for example:

”My DH can give you a lift in the morning if you are happy to contribute to the petrol. It seems fair that we all benefit from the shared arrangement. He can’t give you a lift home unfortunately because he needs flexibility at the end of the day.”

No, OP and her husband have a right to say no. I started giving lifts and it becomes the norm or expected. Why should I have to pay the petrol, take extra time waiting and not being able to enjoy a trip on my own to work. The person I gave lifts to stank my car out every morning with perfume and I couldn't even have a proper vape before work or my last few minutes of peace and quiet.