Is this ‘hostile unkind and petty’ I don’t think so !

[Justablueone]

We have lived next door to our current neighbour for about 6 years, got on ok. No issues. She’s just come out of a very bad relationship (dv) about 8 months ago and ever since has been an absolute nightmare

At first we probably made the mistake of being too available as felt bad for her so when she asked favours we said ok (dropping to school / pick up occasionally, lift to places )

She has had a job at the same place as dp now for the last 3 months, she keeps asking for the same shifts as expects a lift. We’ve had to say no and she’s extremely pissed off and has come round today and told me I’m hostile, unkind and petty that I’m putting obstacles in her way when dp is going there at the same time and it is unfair to make her life more difficult.

I don’t think that having boundaries is hostile unkind and petty???

@Justablueone Yes it may be petty and hostile - but you are perfectly entitled to say 'no', but I suspect there is more to this than you are letting on.

I am just thinking that she may very well be struggling financially if she has not long come out of a DV relationship and has kids. Yes, she sounds entitled refusing to pay petrol, but simply saying 'no' if it isn't a problem is a bit mean to be honest

I have been involved in the past with giving someone a lift and most of the time it was fine - but the resentment crept in when we felt we couldn't do something else as a result of giving the lift - either into work or home again. We had to eventually be honest if there were times when we couldn't because it was restricting us and that worked much better

Can I ask, how long is the commute in the car? How far away is work? Would it work better for your DH if he gave her a lift when it isn't putting restrictions on him and telling her no on the occasions that it does?

It is sad that her relationship was horrible but that isn't your problem? I wouldnt be giving anyone a lift to work long term, ever. Or picking up anyones kids. Or listening to anyone coming into my home insulting me.

👏

How is she reciprocating all this @Justablueone ? Does she offer to drop off and pick up your children when she isn't working ? Has she offered to babysit so you and DH can go out together ? We know she doesn't think she needs to offer anything towards petrol, but surely she must be offering something in return ?

I understand about the lifts to school etc but the odd day it is nice to help someone who does not have a car. I do not see the issue of her getting a lift to work. Whatever happened to helping others out in need.

Just say no. She doesn’t even appreciate it.
If she can’t understand that asking for constant lifts and favours is annoying then she clearly lacks insight. You’re not going to be able to make her have a normal view of what’s acceptable.

You could say an extra person adds weight which essentially adds petrol!

so she’d have to pay to keep it going

I’ve had a think about those saying maybe I’m jealous ? I’m not and I don’t feel that she threatens my relationship as I trust dp but I do have an irritated feeling that she would be spending time with him if that makes sense

It sounds to me like you are nice neighbours who have been very helpful, but you don’t want your lives so intimately bound up with hers on a permanent basis. Occasional or limited help is neighbourly. Ongoing obligations become an imposition. She is now imposing herself on your family and you have reached the end of your tether. That’s OK. It’s up to her to decide whether she wants to stay in good terms for the benefits it might bring with occasional help, or blow things up so you fall out and she never feels able to ask for help again.

You are totally right to put up boundaries. I would not want to have to talk to a person every single car ride to work. A favour here and there, of course. Being adopted by someone else without wanting that, no thanks. Be direct, or it will be a painful life.

So true. The #bekinders think other MNers admire them, when in reality we roll our eyes at them.

Why are you putting up with it? Just say we’re not going home and leave her there!

a favour is occasional

this is using him as transport

and the mark of the true CF: kicking off when told no - see what she said to OP

I wonder if Bob would say to Jim "oh you are just jealous" if Jim wanted to stop himself and his wife being taken advantage of.

Actually, I don't wonder. No, Bob wouldn't say that.

It is a female response to accuse another of jealousy if they want to stop being people pleasers and say no to someone.

So annoying, childish and pathetic to use the "you're jealous" barb 🙄.

Is it more economical to ask her to stand on a skateboard and hold a rope tied to the tow bar?

Maybe it is hostile and petty but you don’t owe her anything, if you don’t want to give her a lift you don’t have to.

I can't believe some of the comments on here, and the neighbour has one huge sense of entitlement. Perhaps she needs reminding that (a) OP and her partner are not employed as her chauffeurs and (b) it's their car and they pay for the upkeep, petrol and running of the car, so she has bugger-all rights to tell them that they should be giving her a lift - whether she is going to the same place or not is immaterial, it's her attitude that's the problem. It may be that she's stressed out at the moment, and that's a shame, but it doesn't give her the right to be rude when someone refuses to dance to her tune.

OP and partner might be happy to give lifts occasionally, but it's not a right and is subject to it being convenient. And from what OP says, they've helped her quite a bit in the past. But if OP and her partner don't want to be tied down to giving someone else a lift to and fro, then they have every right to say 'No'. Presumably the neighbour knew where the job was when she accepted it, unless it's moved?

Neither does she have the right to walk into her neighbour's house and use their cooker and fridge on the grounds that they'd be using them anyway, or sit in front of their TV in the evening without asking - but break it to her gently 😁. She's rude and cheeky.

How long is the car journey? Does she talk a lot? It would drive me nuts

This 100%

I have a 35min drive to work and it is my jealously guarded quiet time. I do help colleagues occasionally but I would never do a regular lift share as I need that space from a stressful job and a stressful home life.

'Dp mentioned this once and she said ‘but you’re going there anyway it doesn’t use more whether there’s one or two people in the car!’'

In that case I would laugh at the freeloader and tell her the bus is going that way and suggest she tells the driver what she told your husband!

I would just tell her to go away and make her own way in life.

YANBU if she wants a favour she at least needs to ask nicely.

She's a CF,I wouldn't worry about saying no to her.

Yes! Why should I pay for a flight when the plane is going there anyway?