To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

[breezea]

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

I’m genuinely glad you found someone who didn’t cringe from ear to ear when you spoke about yourself like this. 😂 It’s great to see such self assurance though!

She sounds like she's auditioning for The Apprentice 😆

You don’t love him. You have different life goals and priorities. Time to move on .

You are going to get a pile on because your disagreement is seemingly about money and it is frowned upon. However it is actually about values and being on the same page re key issues like career and finances.

I would not be attracted to a coaster/stay at home dad if I had to be the one doing killer hours in the office and have other stresses of high flying career. (Im a high earner as well and poor from immigrant family so I understand where you are coming from)

HOWEVER, having two people who both have high flying careers AND are compatible in other ways is actually pretty rare (just because there are less high earners and high flyers so the pool is smaller). Having a nice family with two high earners who can afford to buy a flat in central London NOW (from zero, not family money) is almost impossible. You both have to be earning well above £150K EACH

so you are not unreasonable that you don’t like his defeatist/coasting attitudes. This is certainly unattractive

but you are a bit unreasonable to expect a partner who can earn that much so that you can afford central London flat Equally you are unreasonable if you expect to break up with this one and find a new partner who will be just as nice but simply a super high earner

i think you need to make peace that you will most likely outearn your partner but you need to draw the line for yourself by
how much

Not a problem if a woman earns more in a relationship. No guarantee if you dump this one you will find a better one.

Yes, I think you should move on. he deserves somebody who values him for himself, not his earning power.

Reasonable’s got nothing to do with it. If you’re no longer feeling it, time for you to split up, for both your sakes.

He may not find your materialism that attractive either.

Totally agree with this @breezea You clearly are only interested in someone for their earning potential and status. Do him a favour and split up with him, so that he can find someone who loves him for himself.

You, too will be happier with someone who wants the same things you do. The two of you are clearly no longer compatible

I think it is so obvious that the love has gone by the awful way you write about him. Do yourselves both a favour and call it a day and take out an ad in the Sunday Times lonely hearts saying 'Millionaire wanted' (especially if expect to live in Central London - good luck with that).

Let him go and be free to find someone who loves him for him. Then you can focus on finding someone who measures up in terms of anticipated future cashflows. I hope that is enough to make you happy in the long term.

When I met my DH I was already a high flyer earning significantly more than he did. Didn't matter diddly squat to me because I loved him and respected him for all his values. Twenty odd years later he is flying very high in his career and is still a good man. I'm proud of what he has achieved but I am more proud of the life and family we have built together. Life really can throw some curve balls and it is wise to choose someone you think you can weather those with and financial appraisal is only one small part of the picture.

I think you need to tell him.

It's not just about money, it's about many other things aswell, how driven he is, how motivated, how aware, how willing to keep going and pushing, finding out what is needed and actioning it, or recognising something isn't possible but still circumnavigating and trying all other ways to get to the same destination.

So he doesn't actually have the personality traits you thought.

Late 20s is the time to be calling off a long term relationship if it's not your forever relationship. Not uncommon at all. And you aren't being unreasonable: you know what you want out of life, he has changed his path. Just realistic.

OP the first thing that struck me actually is that you do the domestic chores.

This alone would make me hurl. I can not abide men who aren't fully fledged independent individuals.

Secondly your financial independence and career should come first above and beyond partners and getting married.

I could not build a partnership with someone who treats me like their support human.

Go off on your own is my advice.

Do you think that's a good enough reason to stay in a relationship, though?

OP, something in your timeline and story does not ring true.

You are both late twenties but somehow both managed to fit in a PHD.

You have now worked your way to a high paying job where you significantly out earn him and he is only earning a 5th of what he could be earning. What, in his late twenties? You both cannot be working for more than 5 years.

Very few jobs in the City - I assume you work there because that is where people who want high paying jobs go in London - require a PhD. As a poster says, the qualities of a PhD do not translate well into the cut throat pragmatic commercial field. City employers do not tend to value PhDs, sometimes the opposite. But both of you ended up doing PhDs - why?

This is a bit confusing and not in line with the profile of people who work in the City. Perhaps you can explain.

So you divide society up into winners and losers? And I'm guessing losers are those who are less attractive? Less "clever" maybe even dare I say, disabled?
You don't sound clever at all to me dear, you sound thick as mince. Please do share a photo of your attractive selves.

Leave him. He can’t keep up with you. What a loser.

I seriously do. If he is not violent, not a narc, not vicious, etc. it is already a huge bonus. Not so many normal people out there, let alone nice. If you think there is always somebody nice out there for everyone, you are wrong, I am afraid. A good friend of mine is still waiting for a prince, aged 58. Ain't gonna happen, but she had some good options in her time. Do you think we are all married to princes and deliriously happy? Naaa

No response from the OP.

You do wonder why posters bother if they don't come back....

Rightly or wrongly, you have lost respect for him.

On that basis alone, the relationship is doomed.

Move on and prioritise someone who fits your ideal in other words minted but don't be surprised if they don't deliver on other aspects of the relationship. You will almost certainly have to compromise somewhere - only you can decide where your line is.

Perfect, ambitious, career driven, aspirational, kind, funny, evolved and loving men DO exist, but they are few and far between - and they will have a fairly aspirational 'wish list' for a partner that you may not necessarily fulfill.

@blueshoes

Don't know about the OP but I know lots of people in the city with phds.

Mostly quantitative analyst/programming etc with a background in large data sets and some serious maths.

There’s an imbalance. You’re not his mother. What if you want to stay home with the children or drop some hours? Money isn’t everything. But I think you need to be on the same page. What do you really want op? If it’s a flat in central London you may need a different guy. Or to rethink your priorities but in your twenties I think you should be putting yourself first. Don’t do what I did and let the guy hold you back.

Which bit don't stack up for you @blueshoes ?

They could have done full time PhDs and be finished them by 25.
BSc by 21 , 1 year for a Masters and 3 years for a PhD.
Then they have worked for a few years.

I agree about salaries to a point.

There are jobs in computer science where someone with a PhD could earn £100K by age 30(Google, etc) but that would mean the partner here was earning 1/5th of that. Likewise in banking and especially investment banking.

These jobs are in the City (or at least London not just the financial sector.)

You have to prioritise what it is you want.

A. Him as he is and the lifestyle that comes with it
B. The chance at finding someone else more closely aligned to the lifestyle you want

x-d posts- agree.

PhDs are useful for computer science and data roles.