To be losing attraction to DP because of his career?

[breezea]

I expect to be told I’m a nasty son so for this.

But AIBU to think I might be losing attraction to DP slightly because of his career?

We are both late 20s. Met at uni where we were both doing PhDs. Been together four years and lived together for three. He is a wonderful guy and although we had pretty serious issues early on, for the past two years it’s been great. We have our own niggles but don’t we all?

I will preface by saying that I am very money driven. I grew up poor in an immigrant family and so for me, wealth is very important. I am very ambitious and as such I have what many would consider a high flying career.

When I met dp, he had similar ambitions. He wanted to go into a niche role which is very coveted and extremely well paid. He’s applied numerous times for these jobs but never gets one. This is down to him being potentially naive and over confident in his abilities. He doesn’t have the skill set required despite being very bright.

He has now found himself feeling defeated and heading down a career path doing something he doesn’t want to do. He has decent hours and the pay is good but not maybe 1/5th of what I thought he would be earning.

So now we are at a point where I significantly out earn him. To buy a good flat in a desirable bit of London (central) you need two excellent salaries not one. So I feel that I won’t achieve what I work so hard to get. He has started joking that it’s fine that he can be a stay at home dad or I can look after him, but even when he does have free time, I end up cooking and cleaning for him. I do all of his laundry for example.

One thing I've learned is that you should only set your sights on what you can provide for yourself. Then anything additional you acquire by pooling resources with a partner is a bonus. Life is unpredictable. Partners you may think have high earning potential don't realise it. They lose jobs, they get sick, they unexpectedly want a change of direction, they leave you, they behave horribly but you're too dependent on their contribution to leave them..
Your best bet is to adjust your expectations in line with your own sole income. Then you can decide whether to continue with your current partner or take a gamble on meeting a wealthier one, all the time safe in the knowledge of what you can provide for and by yourself.

It's not about fancying him though is it ?

She says it is. Time to get shot @breezea and find yourself a rich man. Do both of you a favour.

Lots of money earnt younger makes life a lot easier. Especially with PP like @CorinneA42 talking about getting sick and unable to work.... Well that's why you need to earn while you can.

Should the worst happen you can sell and move to a cheaper area. You don't have that option if you never made enough to begin with.

YANBU OP.

I myself made it a priority to have a DH earning at the same level. Our youthful efforts have enabled one of us to comfortably go PT with kids in our mid-30's. We could even survive on 1 more modest wage. Granted we moved out of London to buy and work in another city, we invest our money elsewhere but it's fine for you to want to invest in London housing.

A PhD often doesn't give a premium on earnings (unless there are really special circumstances - say it's super-quantitative and financial maths added to a first, very prestigious maths or physics degree).

Not sure of the exact stats but at present now a massive financial loss for many people (especially including the opportunity cost for lost earnings etc).

It's nice to do, but for corporate employers it's often seen as a bit of a liability/personal interest project.

And unfortunately a lot of the mannerisms and working styles of people who are in academia aren't seen as super-desirable (a bit pernickety and argumentative and inflexible).

If someone is already in the career path they want, established in their professional networks, and doing a post-grad qualification alongside, fair enough.

Someone coming fresh in as an outsider expecting better treatment as they've spent 4 years on low pay doing something super-specialised (which no-one else really understands and doesn't necessarily show skills or ability beyond a good first degree) may not be welcomed with open arms.

Let the poor bloke go free, please!

I don’t think either of you sound like wonderful relationship material. And your long term goals are totally at odds with each other. How is this going to work out when you’re coming at things from such different directions? You are poles apart and it doesn’t sound like either of you are going to change, or want to change.

It doesn’t seem to have occurred to him to improve his skill set so he can do the job he wants, or ask himself why you would want to support him to be a sahd when he can’t even do his share of the cleaning. It doesn’t seem to have occurred to you that he is a person in his own right and not simply a stepping stone to the financial security you want, or that people’s lives can change in the flick of a switch and if it’s earning potential that is a big factor in who you choose to be with, you’re always going to be relying on luck.

I think you already resent him and you can see that that resentment is just going to grow as time goes on. You know it’s not going to work long term. I think you should stop wasting each other’s time.

Sorry, man writing.
I agree. It is perfectly normal to want a high earning partner.
Frankly, I am impressed that you are open to being self-aware with it.
The housework is excessive but it depends whether it is being physically or emotionally. Either way, it is a bad sign.

As others have said, if you can't see a way forward then move on.

You may want to have a think... If you are going to find a highly paid, motivated, cooking, cleaning, lover when you put your dating CV out there ...

Call it a day.

You thought you were on the same path early 20s. Turns out that you don’t have the same vision for your shared life some years on.

Tale as old as time I’m afraid.

The only issue is that I think more blokes than women are willing to date ‘down’ to a lower earner, leaving a smaller pool of these high earning blokes to choose from.

That said of course you shouldn’t be with someone you don’t fancy. Money aside, this should be the honeymoon period but it all sounds a bit lacklustre. You’re talking about working through problems and doing his housework in the manner a couple who don’t want to split up because of the kids. You’re not feeling it so move on.

Completely agree with this - it would put me off someone

Sparklfairy has nailed it.

Agree with this. Sorry. But do stop doing everything for him - not so much a poor lad there.

Well, I think it's totally reasonable to end a relationship for whatever reason you want.

But, if your love was dependent on his career, then it wasn't really love imo.

The lack of drive and ambition and the laziness is VERY unattractive

I don't think the OP says that he is lazy or lacking in ambition does she? She actually admits he has a decent job that pays well, just not enough to get her what she wants.

Not earning a shed-load doesn't mean you're lazy. Some people choose careers based on job satisfaction or a desire to do something socially useful. Their ambition might be to serve their community, to achieve a certain level of expertise in their chosen field, to develop others or to achieve a healthy work/life balance. People are allowed to have ambitions beyond the acquisition of material wealth.

Some of the most ambitious, determined and hard-working people I know are working in the public or charity sector, driving change and making a difference. You and OP might find their lack of material wealth "VERY unattractive", but they would probably find your lack of depth and superficiality unattractive so that's fair enough I suppose.

He should be doing his own laundry though, that's just taking the piss.

Totally this.

Go you!

You should both go your separate ways.

Money drives some people, but not others.

Money doesn't necessarily bring contentment or happiness, just others sets of problems.

It's very shallow to be driven by money, but some people are.

Don't get married to this chap, { But I expect if a wealthier man comes along, you'll marry him like a shot for his money alone.}

God you sound horrible

You sound like
an awful woman. The poor man seethes to find someone who actually loves him.

I would end the relationship, OP, and let the poor chap find someone less greedy, less materialistic & less shallow who loves him for who he is.

Properly shocked there like.

Tbf I really enjoyed the post with the huge ego all over it. Made me really laugh

It’s better to know what you want in life, he’s not for you so move on.

Also - if you plan to have kids and a career then the most important thing is to find an equal partner, so anyone who doesn’t do half the cleaning, laundry and cooking is a no. (Catch yourself on, why would you do a grown man’s laundry?)

''Frankly, I am impressed that you are open to being self-aware with it.''

@Sweden99
Female gold diggers are very well aware of their desire for money.

There are lots of women who rely on men who give them a financial leg up, and they actually seek it.

They {usually} trade their youth and attractiveness for money.

The other way round, Wealthy women, and are less hung up with a man's looks, it's more his character that is important to them - But even so, some refuse to marry for fear of losing assets in a divorce.

The fact that he doesn't do anything at home will be putting me off more than his earnings.