Husband never responds to WhatsApp’s

[Leigh1988]

I don’t pester my husband. I only really message him if I have something that requires some input. E.g. will you be back in time to take our son football- or should I meet you there- or did you pick up the paint you said you was going to get and the most recent one being that our caravan flooded and I wanted his advice on something.

It may be one message a day that requires a response from him. All messages are read and then ignored. I even see him online and on two of the most recent occasions I know he was not working.

He has a busy job so I do not expect a reply instantly. But nothing at all? Then sometimes as quick as 5 minutes after me sending a message he will comment or input something on the family chat we have with his siblings and parents. He will always reply to that or send memes on instagram.

it’s becoming more regular and making me feel really rubbish to be honest. I always think it’s polite to even acknowledge it. Even a sodding thumbs up .

I have addressed it before- maybe not in a serious way but more of a ‘ well you just ignore anything I message you’ and his response was to laugh. I just can’t imagine ever being that rude to him that if he needed to know something that I just read it and ignore it. I just don’t know if this is normal behaviour and that most husbands are the same or is it something I should raise?

Am I being unreasonable for being upset?

I suggest you cut down on your reliance on social media and WhatsApp.

Nothing more annoying that someone who is constantly messaging.

Instead discuss what is important in person and leave messages/text for real urgent stuff.

This isn't normal. Does he treat you with contempt in other ways. I'd be writing ? and then ?? etc every time I can see he has been online. And asking 'is there a reason why you think it's ok to ignore my messages but can reply to the family WhatsApp?'

One message a day is hardly constant messaging, how hard is sending a thumbs up?

It's fucking rude. Is he demand avoidant?

What's wrong with calling?! Why is everything has to be governed my whatsapp. Who's got time for this...
Also why not ask before he sets of to work whether he is going to be back to take your son to football. And who cares whether he picked up the paint - you are going to find out about when he gets home. And why a caravan question can't wait until the evening, unless you expect him to drop everything and be there?
I mean, none of this seems life and death situation which requires much input during working hours, to be honest.

Are you saying this poor helpless man must never be disturbed, even for arrangements to do with his own kids?

He's quite happy using WhatsApp to communicate with others, so that's not the issue

My husband isn’t great at replying to me tbh but it doesn’t bother me

@nutbrownhare15 - perfect response

But he is good at replying- just not when it’s the OP.

Sounds to me like he uses you as the family secretary and knows if he doesn’t reply then you’ll have to come up with another plan that doesn’t involve him. He’s not lying by saying he’s not available to do that particular job- he’s just hoping you’ll come up with an alternative so he never has to do anything.

Sounds lazy and disrespectful to me

No, I'm saying, if things are so urgent then a phone call is surely a quicker way to get a response. It's nothing to do with being a poor man. Frankly, I don't bother messaging during working hours either and yes, I may respond to something in a family chat because a. if I don't, I may forget - it's not at the forefront of my mind and b. it is low effort which doesn't require me thinking how to de-flood the caravan - something we can discuss when I get home.

I mean, first I'd bring it up again in a serious way - because it is disrespectful. But if that doesn't work, I'd start doing the same to him. Maybe then it'll sink in that it's frustrating and rude

I think you are struggling to read.
One message a day that requires a respond is hardly constant messaging.

Maybe you are stressed about things in your life but you are misplacing your annoyance here.

Just come on to say the exact same thing. Communicate in person, use social media/whatsapp/messenger for emergencies.

An emergency means someone is dead or dying.😆 Not pick up some cheese

Op, does your husband message you with things that require a response? It would be useful to understand how he approaches Whatsapp/Social media overall. He replies on the family chat and sends memes. How does he communicate in a meaningful way with you?
What happens to those issues that you contact him about, when he does not reply - does it get raised in person later on, and dealt with then?

But he is happy to use it for non-emergency situations, just not when it’s his skivvy partner. He isn’t so big and important he can’t answer these things through the day, he just can’t be arsed and as such is leaving all of the family admin to the OP.

I can’t decide if this response or the first one is the rudest. I really can’t. What’s app is just a text. Texting once a day to ask something is fairly common and most people have the capacity to respond to a text, it’s easier than calling.

and he’s responding to others.

sometimes I read responses on here and wonder about people I really do.

i thought you were going to say he doesn't use SM, in which case I would say find another way to contact eg phone him.

But the fact thathe does use SM, and replies to it, even chatty stuff on the group whatsapp, but he doesn't reply to your texts is actually quite a concern.

It says to me that he is disrespecting you, and it is not accidental.

So time for a serious conversation.
When I need an answer from you, eg about football, why don't you reply?
Do you think it isn't important? Do you think it isn't 'your job' Do you think if you don't reply you get out of doing stuff like this for the kids? (not fair) Do you think that my thoughts/time/ needs are basically irrelevant?
It is fundamentally rude and as other have said, putting you in the position of secretary/skivvy to the family.

How is it easier than calling? You press one button and you can relay information within 20 seconds including clarifying questions, if necessary. Texting doesn't involve two messages, most of the time. It involves lengthy exchanges which would take seconds during a call instead of typing up a response.
"Are you going to be home to take Ben to football"
"No"
"Why not"
"Mike form accounting needs me to stay behind"
"Why? Is there nobody else who can?" etc. etc. Can you honestly not see how this may take longer than a phone call?

As far as responding in family chat, if mine is anything to go by, it's filled with memes and happy birthday messages. Takes me 2 seconds to write happy birthday while I am sitting on the loo. If my partner messages me to ask me what shower should we buy for the bathroom, I have to stop what I am doing, go online, look at shower options, figure out what sort of pressure system we have, compare prices.... I am not doing that in the middle of the working day.

I can’t call him due to him being in meetings so he tells me to WhatsApp. The caravan flooding when I arrived I instantly rang to no answer so I messaged to which he saw and ignored.

you are right though- we definitely rely on instant messaging too much.

I should have caveated that I do ring him if super urgent but he tells me to message him as he’s in a lot of meetings.

Well, then he definitely needs to explain why he doesn't reply to your messages. My partner doesn't either but that's because he hates messaging, Yes, he will spend all day on whatsapp talking to clients but this doesn't mean he wants to do the same with his family. If I call and he is in the meeting, he would usually call me back when he is available (although, at times he doesn't and we just talk when he gets home). I am assuming yours doesn't do that either.

Some people on here will do anything to make out something is the fault of the needy, demanding wife, rather than the man. It’s quite interesting to observe!
I would use a phone call for an emergency, a quick text or WhatsApp for general, every day questions. I wouldn’t phone to ask ‘have you picked up the paint?’ as a) my husband would presume there was an emergency as I was phoning him during work hours and b) I have no idea when he’s in meetings etc.
Replying ‘yes I’ve got the paint’ would take seconds.

of course I ring him if it’s urgent. Last weekend I arrived at our caravan holiday alone as he had last minute work commitments and the caravan was flooded. I ran to the caretaker who was not there so I rang my husband who didn’t answer. I sent a WhatsApp about the caravan being flooded and he didn’t reply. I did a Google search and managed to figure out how to turn water off and ended up having to remove our carpet. I never expect him to come running. Sometimes I need some advice.

as for the paint- we had decorators coming to do the house and he promised me he would get the paint. I was just asking if he managed to grab it. If he said no I would have stopped at B&Q on the way home from work. As it turns out he didn’t get it and then we had annoyed painters.

I do not message him constantly with requests throughout the day. I will pop him a message at around midday asking if he thinks he’ll be home in time to take our son football. Not that I don’t want to take my son or wouldn’t be happy to but I have my others child’s swimming before so it just means I have to make sure they have food that will see them through until we arrive home at 8pm.

I am not an unreasonable person guys- I promise. I just find it odd because I would reply if he asked me something. Not read , ignore, comment on family chat and then post a meme to my instagram. I just can’t shake a feeling that there is some level of disrespect happening and that in order to run a house with 3 children while both working, sometimes you need to know what’s going on here and there.

Personally, I would just call and leave a voicemail.

All of my social group (barring two people) work on the basis that they phone if something is important, and message if it isn't. Messaging (WhatsApp, email or sms) can be replied to as and when time allows.

In your instance @Leigh1988 , you have been asked not to phone as he's in meetings, however he does not respond to messages.

What did he say when you pointed out that there doesn't appear to be a method for you to contact him urgently, and asked for his suggestion of how to undertake this?

Thank you for this. I just wanted to know if this was normal for men to do. I mean if most people go ‘ oh yeah husbands not the best at messaging’ then I would feel more at ease. I guess I feel like it’s becoming more regular that I’m just ignored and left to guess what’s going on and how I’m going to proceed with something that evening.

im not a pest. I only message him when I feel I need to and don’t expect him to answer to my every whim but I’m finding it hard because when he asks something of me I don’t keep him waiting I will reply once I have seen it just so he knows.