Husband never responds to WhatsApp’s

[Leigh1988]

I don’t pester my husband. I only really message him if I have something that requires some input. E.g. will you be back in time to take our son football- or should I meet you there- or did you pick up the paint you said you was going to get and the most recent one being that our caravan flooded and I wanted his advice on something.

It may be one message a day that requires a response from him. All messages are read and then ignored. I even see him online and on two of the most recent occasions I know he was not working.

He has a busy job so I do not expect a reply instantly. But nothing at all? Then sometimes as quick as 5 minutes after me sending a message he will comment or input something on the family chat we have with his siblings and parents. He will always reply to that or send memes on instagram.

it’s becoming more regular and making me feel really rubbish to be honest. I always think it’s polite to even acknowledge it. Even a sodding thumbs up .

I have addressed it before- maybe not in a serious way but more of a ‘ well you just ignore anything I message you’ and his response was to laugh. I just can’t imagine ever being that rude to him that if he needed to know something that I just read it and ignore it. I just don’t know if this is normal behaviour and that most husbands are the same or is it something I should raise?

Am I being unreasonable for being upset?

Really though OP you need to discuss this properly with him, not in a ‘jokey’ way. Tell him that if he is able to respond to the family group and send memes, he is able to respond to your messages to help the smooth running of (his) family life.

Yes- a conversation needs to be had. Absolutely.

I guess maybe I am overthinking it. I would say his communication and general how’s your day going used to be so much more that I’m struggling to adapt to little to no coms a day and ignoring me when I call and message to discuss a change in plans or something.

Thanks for your reply. I wouldn’t say so. When he gets home he very much just zoned out. I’ve always been the one to do dinner, homework, bath, bed while he unwinds. I guess part of my annoyance at being ignored is because I’m frustrated at the load. I’m not the best face to face communicator about my emotions. I’ve always struggled with conflict growing up due to having lived in the house of a broken marriage and rows so part of me believes I avoid this at all costs and swallow a lot more than I should. I wished I could change but I just struggle to deal with things when I’m upset in the moment.

part of the reason I’ve asked the question is to see if I’m being mad before addressing him face to face.

Am I the only one old enough to remember those days when we had landlines and you'd be lucky to even get a call from your partner?

Gone at 8, back at 6, how was your day dear?

Work = busy

Isn’t it fab nowadays that a 5 second message can help someone’s day/family life run much smoother? If he’d taken just 5 seconds out of his extremely busy day to reply ‘no, not got the paint’ the OP could have gone and picked it up, and it would have saved the decorators time out of their also very busy working day. After all, he seems to have available time to send messages and memes in his family group.

And of course nowadays a lot of women are also out at 8, back at 6 and a bit of communication between partners ensures that their joint family/household runs smoothly.

Depends doesn’t it? If he’s busy in a meeting or on calls he might read it quickly but not have the chance to reply, then forget but sounds like it’s not urgent

It’s not great if he’s free though to reply, on that I agree. But if he’s genuinely busy at work there should be no expectation for him to rely.

Its be better if there are trivialities to sort out that you do it before or after work really. Some people aren’t allowed a phone at work and seem to manage just fine!!

This is totally not normal. I suggest a few types of messages over the next few weeks: ‘kids and I got a pizza you’ll have to pick yourself up dinner’ see if he manages.
things that inconvenience him: I know you planned to go to the football Saturday, I’ll be out so you need to check with your parents re looking after the kids or cancel.

then I’d go away for a few days and leave him to the parenting. I wouldn’t pick up the phone, and I’d reply to the first text hang on, what is this? In this marriage we can either send texts and get a response, or we can’t. Marriage is not a one way street. I won’t be replying to any more texts.

My husband is rubbish at responding, so I told him that I removed him as my 'in case of emergency' contact number and replaced him with my daughter who always responds! That shocked him into being a little more responsive....

I’ve no idea why some posters are having a go; do people not work?. When I’m working I much prefer a text, like the ops husband, rather than a phone call. It is very normal for that. The op has said her husband requested messages and not calls. But he ignores hers, which are infrequent, and is clearly messaging others. I can’t see why folks are having a go.

i work full time- I’m also busy. But if my husband asks me a question or even ‘ can you grab milk on the way home’ I make sure I respond with at least a thumbs up once I’ve seen the message so he knows I have seen it and that we both won’t be flapping that we don’t have milk for the kids breakfasts the next day. I don’t see more communication as a negative thing personally.

No, you aren't the only one. I remember too. What we had to be was more organised, and if we weren't, we just dealt with it. Oh, I haven't got any milk. I'll just go and get some. That sort of thing.

And I disagree with @Youdontevengohere . I don't see that life goes any smoother. Maybe the odd instance, but far more often it just causes more strife. Like @Leigh1988 is experiencing. And about a billion other threads about it. He / she didn't respond within a microsecond. Does this mean he / she isn't interested etc etc etc.

We were actually better off without all this. In 99% of instances, there are actually no physical detrimental effects. Only how one party or the other takes non response as some implied slight.

It's very rude, I wouldn't put up with being ignored.

I was initially thinking yabu, but I think you are NOT being unreasonable having read all your replies.

He TOLD you to message. And you are messaging for things that need attention.

You need to sit him down to talk about expectations.

When my husband was working on site, I knew not to phone. So when I did phone, he'd leave a meeting because he knew it was a bloody crisis.

Your husband has to step up and realise he's an equal partner.

No more letting him slack off when he comes home. He comes through the door and helps. It's what everyone else does. You do that.

Clearly not. He probably wants to be left alone to his Big Important Man Job. It’s weird he manages to find time in his jam packed schedule to reply to the family WhatsApp group

So in this case the OP should have just gone and bought paint, even if she didn’t know whether he had already bought it or not, therefore potentially having 2 lots of paint? I can’t see how that’s easier than him just replying ‘no’, when she said ‘have you bought the paint?’

we are so reliant on social media messaging now... whats app is a total pain! there are group chats for everything.. girls group chats, family group chats, groups chats with some family members and not others.. i can understand why boring mundane messages are just ignored. he's probably irratitated by the whole needy ethos of whats app.

if they are really important messages and he's ignoring them, then i'd have a word, but really, a message about picking up paint?

you live in the same house, communicate when hes at home

Or, it could add extra pressure in what might be a high-pressure environment. This week, DP and I have hardly exchanged any messages because we have been busy. There are times when neither of us messages at all due to work demands. This is regular, by the way. We don't spend the whole day catching up and chit-chatting or having lunch with colleagues.
I think modern life is all very intrusive some need instant communication otherwise it's LTB or a lecture.

People like you are batshit mad. Good lord.

DH and I both work and are busy, too. That’s why it’s really helpful to us to be able to send the odd message, which takes seconds to write. ‘I need to stay late, can you pick up from the childminder?’ ‘Yes’. That sort of thing.

Is WhatsApp the problem? Would he reply to a text?

Plus, he responds to family group messages and sends Instagram memes. So not that busy.

He sounds like he disrespects you quite a lot. As others have said, I'd start expecting him to share the load more at home. I would also change the expectations on WhatsApp - rather than you waiting for a response, I would change the message so the onus is on him to reply i.e "Can you fetch DS from football at 6? If I don't hear back by 4.00 I will take it that this is agreed." Then he has to answer you if he can't, and you aren't left hanging.

I like the advice to start messaging him about things that will inconvenience him (not you) if not done!

This is not about the medium of communication, but about the really common situation where a lazy bloke has decided that all household things are the woman's responsibility.