Husband never responds to WhatsApp’s

[Leigh1988]

I don’t pester my husband. I only really message him if I have something that requires some input. E.g. will you be back in time to take our son football- or should I meet you there- or did you pick up the paint you said you was going to get and the most recent one being that our caravan flooded and I wanted his advice on something.

It may be one message a day that requires a response from him. All messages are read and then ignored. I even see him online and on two of the most recent occasions I know he was not working.

He has a busy job so I do not expect a reply instantly. But nothing at all? Then sometimes as quick as 5 minutes after me sending a message he will comment or input something on the family chat we have with his siblings and parents. He will always reply to that or send memes on instagram.

it’s becoming more regular and making me feel really rubbish to be honest. I always think it’s polite to even acknowledge it. Even a sodding thumbs up .

I have addressed it before- maybe not in a serious way but more of a ‘ well you just ignore anything I message you’ and his response was to laugh. I just can’t imagine ever being that rude to him that if he needed to know something that I just read it and ignore it. I just don’t know if this is normal behaviour and that most husbands are the same or is it something I should raise?

Am I being unreasonable for being upset?

What is the rest of your marriage like? As I think that there's more to this than just him not responding. Someone not responding is a lack of care. Getting in from work and leaving everything to someone else is a lack of care. How old are your children? How is his behaviour with them? Honestly I'm shocked to see how many people have barely any contact with their other half throughout the day. My partner (of 17 years) messages any chance that he gets throughout the day. Sending jokes or reminiscing over things. Asking about the kids. Literally having conversations as if it was in person. Hope you can get him to see how it hurts you and the family, and honestly you deserve better!

@ByUmberViewer So, you wouldn't ring, in person, to inform someone of a death???
Surely, it is the other way around? People can reply to text/ WhatsApp when they are free but if it's an emergency you ring and try to speak to the immediately.

I’d say it’s a pattern of being a useless husband, you’re doing all the work and also working full time and he comes home and does… nothing? And can’t even manage the respect of acknowledging a message and participating in the load of having a family? What a dick.

Some predictably bonkers responses.

I think your husband is really rude and dismissive not to reply to really simple questions whilst replying on group chats about inane stuff.

I don't think his behaviour towards you is something you should ignore. If he's always responding to others but dismissing you then it's usually strategic. It's not accidental or he's too busy, in an underhand way he wants you to feel uncared for. I'd be worried about that and you must bring it up with him.

@Leigh1988 I don’t think you’re over reacting AT ALL! This would massively piss me off and I’d have to be having words with him after the first time he did it.

Theres a massive difference between not responding because he hasn’t seen your message, than reading it and not responding! If he’s time to read it, he’s time to send a thumbs up/down at the very minimum. The fact that he’s active and responding to others shows just where he puts his respect for you.

It would also bother me that it’s a fairly recent shift in behaviour.

And reading your further comments it looks like he doesn’t do much towards family life even when he gets home, it’s all left to you, and the non response feeds into that.

For context, in his last job my DH asked me not to message him, but to phone instead as he definitely wouldn’t see messages during the day. In his current job, it’s the opposite. However in both cases he would pick up or reply with a response even if it was to say I’ll call
you back (ie he’s busy and can’t talk). But to read a message and then not respond, his hand would have had to have dropped off!

In all of this though we have enough respect for each other to know the message/phone call is about something that needs dealing with and not just chit chat whilst at work. In 30 years we’ve never done that.

In your shoes I’d be having a serious talk with him x

What’s wrong with messaging your partner to pick up some cheese on the way back from work? Isn’t that the kind of thing people use instant messaging for?

Sounds like OP is using it in a perfectly normal and reasonable way to me and idk why he’s being weird about responding. I guess I can see why he might not want to think about a flooded caravan while at work, but he should be able to confirm he’ll be taking his son to football.

I don't have a husband but my adult son receives messages via WhatsApp from me and responds within minutes during the working day and vice versa. It's an acceptable form of communication these days unless you are in a job that doesn't allow mobile use at work. If hubby is responding to other family members but not his wife then I too would be annoyed.
Back in the day before everyone had mobiles it was not usual to be so readily available but it is nowadays. Whether that's a good or bad thing is debatable but if he can respond to others he should respond to her as well.

@Leigh1988 Oh and men can absolutely compartmentalise! They are extremely good at that!

Personally, I’d post my queries in the family group chat 🤷‍♀️

Same.

Some of the replies on this are wild. If something floods and you message the person who knows what to do and they read it and ignore it, they are being a bellend. If someone has time to send memes but not reply about child transport arrangements when they’ve read it, they are being a bellend. You need to demand better. People only treat you how you allow them to. He needs to step up in many respects, regardless of whether he’s working. You’re not in the wrong op. You’re not needy. It sounds like you’ve got relatively low expectations of someone who has children with you, and he can’t even meet a basic expectation like replying to messages he has seen about your children.

So basically he vetoes ANY of your attempts at communication with him.

I’d be sending all future WhatsApp messages to him via the family chat… since he somehow manages to read and reply to them!

So he read your message about the paint, ignored it and then still didn’t get any? Yeah, I’d be fumes. No excuse there is there? He’s been reminded, not bothered to confirm that no he hadn’t and wasn’t going to get it, then let everyone down. Lazy arsehole.

I do think it’s rude and disrespectful to ignore you whilst messaging others and using his phone etc. I message my DP all sorts of random shit, he likes to be in touch with me throughout the day, which is sweet. If I call him, 9/10 he will answer (self employed) and it’s usually not an important call. Just to say hello, or ask/tell him something.

"I’ve always struggled with conflict growing up due to having lived in the house of a broken marriage and rows so part of me believes I avoid this at all costs and swallow a lot more than I should."

This is the heart of it. Honestly I think therapy might be worthwhile to help you unpick this.

Your husband doesn't pull his weight at home, just 'zones out and unwinds' while you do all the work despite working full time. He tells you to message rather than calling during the day, but can't be bothered to take a few seconds to reply yes/no or thumbs up to important messages about e.g. whether he can pick the kids up, while happy to contribute trivial shit on the family WhatsApp group.

Right now, you can tell him he needs to acknowledge your messages because it's making your life much more difficult that he doesn't. And if he doesn't start responding, then the next step is to tell him you will start posting them in the family WhatsApp group instead.

But I think that long-term you need to shift your fear of conflict and work on your self-esteem.

(I'm ignoring all the bonkers posts about how OP shouldn't expect her husband to take equal responsibility for ensuring childcare pick-ups etc. because in the good old days there were no mobile phones and wives just had to put up with it.)

"An emergency means someone is dead or dying.😆 Not pick up some cheese"

Oh, I don't know @ByUmberViewer Cheese is pretty urgent and needing some cheddar or brie, could be constituted an emergency. In my case, anyway! 😂

I ring for emergencies, but if it’s just something like, can you pick up some bread or an appointment on this day etc then I just message. It can be looked back on & if my husband says I didn’t tell him about arrangements or whatever I can always say I messaged you on such a such a day about it.

OP if you are asking your husband on his advise/thoughts/family commitments I think the least you would expect is a response. I would bring it up and speak to him at a good time and explain how it makes you feel.

Honestly if this was me and my other half was responding to group chats but not me individually I would definitely screenshot my question and repost in the group chat with something like @dp you must not have seen this question I sent x hours ago...... lol and see if he does it again. He's being disrespectful and deliberately ignoring you.

His behaviour is outrageous. He comes home and does nothing because he needs to ‘relax’??!! What would happen if you need equal time to relax? He’s utterly selfish. How dare he not respond to a crisis (which a flood is). I find it v v difficult to believe he can’t take a minute to respond to one text message a day. I don’t engage in chit chat at all during my working day but I respond to messages from my partner if they need help or have a question. I put money on the fact his selfish behaviour permeates through everything. It’s not good enough.

Trust your gut, he's completely disrespecting you. This is exactly what my ex would do and it was a control thing. Challenge him on it, if he makes you out to be unreasonable, or brushes it off, Challenge him again. What he's doing is completely unfair. Everything is on you as though you are a single parent.

Its not normal OP. I would actually be tempted to do something to sabotage things for him a bit. Like, message "I'm taking your golf clubs to the charity shop, is that ok? " and then tell him "I done it as you did not reply".

Or in case of something like the flooded caravan, message on family chat saying "its urgent could someone please contact DH as he is not responding". And if he moans about it give him hell for being a dick.

Thanks for all your replies. I’ve sat and read them all and actually- I agree with the people who say it’s disrespectful. It’s happened twice again since I’ve posted. I’ve looked at my expectations of him and whether I’m nagging and maybe constantly requesting things of him and no. I am not. I am trying to effectively make our home lives run smoothly and sometimes that requires a question. He leaves the house at 6am and I usually wake at 6:30am and leave by 7:30 with the children so it’s not possible to always have that morning communication.

I sat analysing other areas of our marriage and actually- it appears there is a lack of respect for the load I do. Yes, he earns much more than me but I work 40 hours. I do all the clubs runs. I pay bills. Do the dinners, arrange the play dates, attend the parties, sort the gifts, clean the house.
He simply comes home and sits on his phone most of the evening while I am still doing washing and cleaning up after dinner.

I decided to approach this last night as I felt myself falling down a rabbit hole of doubts.
anyway his reaction was ‘ I have no idea how stressful his job is. He doesn’t mean to ignore me but sometimes he is in the middle of something and forgets to reply. The helping with the load was kind of flipped ‘ oh yeah I’m just useless I do nothing’. I don’t know how I feel about it to be honest. Made me out like I was picking on him when I actually approached the topic in a very non aggressive manor.

no apology though which was interesting, as personally, if it was me… I would at least apologise If I made somebody feel this way. Even if that was not my intention.

I don’t know where this goes from here. Thanks all for both sides of the coin !

I'm sorry, Op.

Do you think counselling might help?

What did he say though about messaging into other group chats but ignoring you? Hes not crazy busy all the time if he can do that. And he's angry at being called out for his lack of support to you not that he's a victim. But I would have replied that yeah he is a shit partner and he doesn't understand how much you do.