Husband never responds to WhatsApp’s

[Leigh1988]

I don’t pester my husband. I only really message him if I have something that requires some input. E.g. will you be back in time to take our son football- or should I meet you there- or did you pick up the paint you said you was going to get and the most recent one being that our caravan flooded and I wanted his advice on something.

It may be one message a day that requires a response from him. All messages are read and then ignored. I even see him online and on two of the most recent occasions I know he was not working.

He has a busy job so I do not expect a reply instantly. But nothing at all? Then sometimes as quick as 5 minutes after me sending a message he will comment or input something on the family chat we have with his siblings and parents. He will always reply to that or send memes on instagram.

it’s becoming more regular and making me feel really rubbish to be honest. I always think it’s polite to even acknowledge it. Even a sodding thumbs up .

I have addressed it before- maybe not in a serious way but more of a ‘ well you just ignore anything I message you’ and his response was to laugh. I just can’t imagine ever being that rude to him that if he needed to know something that I just read it and ignore it. I just don’t know if this is normal behaviour and that most husbands are the same or is it something I should raise?

Am I being unreasonable for being upset?

we’re meant to be a team
you are and I can see why you feel like you aren't because he really doesn't seem to pull his weight. and with three kids he should be!
it's not effing difficult to reply to a message with a thumbs up to let you know if he'll be picking one of his kids up or taking them to football or whatever.

I'll be honest - if this was my DH and I was only texting with a question that he didn't bother answer, I'd be texting '^Do you want tea tonight? 6.30pm?'^

No answer and he could get home to find the answer to 'what's for tea?' would be 'Fuck all for you. I didn't know if you wanted tea, so I ate earlier and made you nothing. Crack on and help yourself. Or answer a text'.

There are endless things he could miss out on if he couldn't be arsed to answer.

One message a day isn't 'constant'

And it's fair to ask a question about arrangements

IMO he's deliberately being an arse

'Why' is the thing you need to explore

I think the thing everyone is ignoring is that he is deliberately ignoring you asking him a q then replying to groups you are on and sending pointless memes etc. You need to ask him why and start telling him he needs to share the load. Also the next time he responds in another chat over your direct one I would ask him on that chat the q and make it clear why. A little bit of public embarrassment might encourage him to respond

Have you tried putting your messages in the family group. It might be that when he knows others are watching, he will answer. That'll be an indication of what he is thinking

Well I’m no longer married but with exh I now tell him what I will assume if he doesn’t answer questions relating to the children.

He's rude. Too busy to reply but reads it then posts elsewhere.

Text him you've just won £10,000 😁 in a competition.....

I do think it needs a conversation to be honest.

I'd just ask him for a method of contacting him to confirm changes to organised things. If he's told you to message but doesn't respond, you should tell him that this system isn't working for you as you still don't have clarity. What else works.

I don't disagree with others either, it isn't the most difficult thing to respond to a message, so I do see your point.

The idea from some pp that all these questions can just wait till he gets home is ridiculous. What if you are asking him to pick up milk on the way home? What if you are asking him if he’ll be home by 7 so you know whether you need to schlep younger child on the football club pick up run (and therefore have him bathed etc).

I find it infuriating that some people think you should be endlessly flexible and do everything single handed to save him from answering the odd message.

Even if, as seems to be the case, he might be in meetings? I’ve been in board meetings all day and didn’t respond to a single WhatsApp until after 18:00.. Some, I am sure, seemed urgent to the sender. But not to me in the context of what I was doing. Why is that rude?

If you're asking either party to pick up milk on the way home and they don't, they just go out and get some when they come home without it.

Partner A wouldn't need to ask partner B if they'll be home by 7 to know whether to schlep to football club as they would have known it was football club before the other left in the morning and organised it then.

Basically, anything that begins with "I need to ask during the day" can be countered with "what did we do before all this mobile communication" and just do that.

Look, I get it, some of these things are supposed to help us, but if they don't then they don't. The height of insanity is to repeat the same action and expect a different outcome.

Wot?

So in that board meeting you were answering family WhatsApp messages and posting on Instagram were you? Because this is what OP's husband is doing while ignoring her.

Hmm, well back in the day my mum did all this stuff without requiring (or indeed, receiving) much help from DF and when he was asked occasionally to e.g. pick us up after an after school thing, he tended to forget. But then she didn't work either.

I am over 50 (DH nearer 60) and we find WhatsApp a brilliant organisational tool.

He just doesn't value your time, OP. Clearly his big important job is so important that frees him from any family or domestic responsibility so he doesn't need to reply because you will always find a way to pick up the slack. I don't know if there is a way through this. You could try reading Eve Rodsky's Fair Play book and work through it with him. Her husband also showed that he valued her time less than his. But he was doing a lot more than your husband is to begin with. I'd also have a look at Zawn Villanes work on Facebook. She makes a pretty convincing case that domestic chore inequality is a form of abuse.

My DH does the same. He has his phone on him all the time, I think he has WhatsApp notifications turned off because it won't show blue ticks and if I phone via WhatsApp he won't answer. He may answer via a normal phone call function.

It's infuriating! I've taken to announcing to the house Alexas. He can't ignore it when 6 Alexas are blaring a message at him **

I think I’d stop messaging him altogether

if it is really really urgent then trying calling or text in capitals

And if he ignores that then you really must tell him how it makes you feel. You can’t avoid that just because it makes you feel uncomfortable . It doesn’t need to be confrontational. Just explain about your own feelings when you message and are ignored.

My DH doesn’t always reply to my texts so I do know where you are coming from. But when I am busy working I am also head down focussed and don’t have time.

Skirting around issues doesn't help at all!

Be direct, he is your husband after all!

"I don't like it when I message you with a question or request and it is ignored. It feels like a massive disrespect, when I can clearly see you're able to respond to other people in the family chat. Tell me what your problem is, because this is a big deal for me".

Did you actually read the op?

Using your phone on the loo is pretty grim

I hate when people call. I can multitask - be on a work call & send a quick thumbs up if needed. It's really not difficult, and it's rude to not acknowledge texts. Yes they are not life & death, but things can change over the day, and what OP has mentioned seem like pretty normal family logistics! Easier if everyone does their bit & cooperates!

He's not working like a team member and if he behaved like that at work he'd be fired.

It's interesting that he has changed recently.

Do you think there's any other reason for that?

But he isn't in board meetings all day, because he's able to answer other people. Read op's posts.

It is rude. If he isn't pulling his weight at home, refuses to respond to his partner during the day, where do you think this is going? Frankly I really don't understand why women continue to put up with this crap, I don't.

He's your husband why not be straight with him? If that was my husband I would like "oi dickhead, why you ignoring my messages" get straight to the point girl. If he can message into the family groups he can reply to you simple.