Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

My husband said this (although my husband is furious about the situation, and he's not one prone to strong emotions). Who knows, aye.

My kids are like you, always telling me to spend what I have on myself.

With regards to care costs Ihave LPA for an elderly relative, they have been in an expensive care home for some years but their capital has barely reduced. A good IFA managing their savings and the money from the sale of their house plus pension plus attendance allowance has covered most of it.

From another point of view, maybe your parents are concerned that he might end up homeless and will ask to live with them? They might see giving this money a way to prevent that and to keep him independent.

I would feel hurt in your position OP. It's not a sensible decision for your parents to give your brother such a large chunk of their savings. They are very likely to need the other half in the future and you will get nothing.

I would explain to them why you feel so hurt, and then go LC.

A masters and a PHD are actually quite hard work!

Fairness is a complicated concept.

The obvious way to be fair is to split evenly. Hence the idea that if he is given 90k for a deposit you should be too,

In situations where one sibling is severely mentally or physically disabled most people accept that as this child can't make their own way in the world it's "fair" for the parents to try to provide for them because disability support in this country is shit.

However in general people don't think it's "fair" for parents to try and even up outcomes (disability excepted). If one child has made choices that mean they have less money etc than another child although some parents might feel it is "fair" to try and even up outcomes very few adult children do.

It also tends to come across to the adult children as "we love X more than you" which rarely goes down well.

As a parent I try to be fair in the first sense of the word and both get the money.

It sounds like your brother has issues and needs more help than you and your parents recognise this.

You sound like you demean him and see any issues he has as an annoyance to you.

You will still get money. Stop complaining.

Blimey, this is an excellent point, thank you. You have also touched on a few reasons why I am so upset!

What has that got to do with anything?

And if there's nothing left as it gets spent on their care, then one sibling has benefited at the expense of the other and potentially the taxpayer.

Do not cut contact with your parents. They are doing their best to respond to the needs of each of their children.

I have given money to each of my AC at different times according to their needs at that moment. I know with absolute certainty that none of them have resented what has been given to another. They are just pleased to see their siblings being helped.

Having no contact with your parents will be uncomfortable for you. Please don't go down that route.

What does LC mean? I have seen it a couple of times now.

How are you so sure OP will still get money? Do you have a crystal ball?

Nothing like money to divide a family is there?

LC is low contact

He wouldn't end up homeless - he has a job and could rent somewhere else, he just doesn't want to move.

I think you're justified in being hurt, but there's little point dwelling on what your brother could/should do (rent elsewhere). That's out of your control.

You need to find a way to move forward, and assuming you want to maintain a relationship with your parents find a way to do that where you are not holding onto the resentment.

Communication is key. Letter is good - I prefer this approach as you can get out everything you want to.

The key thing for me here is that your parents have put you and your brother in a situation that can damage your relationship. There is no guarantee that there will be £90k left after they die, and even less chance that £90k will be worth what it is today. After they're gone you'll still hold that resentment and your relationship with your brother will suffer - is that what they want.

They probably think they are doing a good thing, and are trying to make it fair by giving you the first £90k. They haven't realised that you wouldn't find this fair.

The issue isn't really the money though is it? It's the lifelong different treatment of you/your brother. Perhaps therapy can explore that.

I say this as a child whose sibling has received substantially more financial help than me, because they've needed it. But should I need it I'd only have to ask. As much as I'd love them to say 'I've given your sister £50k so here's yours', I understand they aren't doing that as if I then needed £50k in 5 years they might not have another £100k. But I didn't grow up feeling 2nd best, or have vastly different treatment, so I am not resentful.

You said your brother was avoiding working by studying. My point is, his further study actually is work. Not just pissing around. Might not be income earning, but still work - no need to devalue it.

There certainly isn't, although for me it's the sentiment and principle behind the money really, although we could really use the money too.

OP honestly do not write a letter. Ask 3 people to read something and they will all take a different view - with a conversation you can quickly correct/explain. It sounds as though (like my parents) they don't want to hear it, don't want to admit they have treated you differently and don't want face the truth.

I tried on numerous occasions to discuss a similar situation. They didn't want to engage, denied some if the things I mentioned ever happened etc, didn't want to acknowledge that I also had struggled with things. I then got blamed for upsetting my mother.

After counselling (that didn't help) I put my own coping mechanisms in place. I put my own boundaries in place and focussed on my family. Conversations are very superficial, they are not close in my life. Of course I love them but our relationship will never be repaired.

I agree with this.

I'll add that your parents have shown you yet again who they are - that they favour your brother much more than you, perhaps even love him more. I think the compassionate and fair thing would have been to gift him a smaller amount for a smaller home (he doesn't need to live in a three bedroom house) and gift you the same, or if not you then put some money in trusts for your children.

My parents don't have penny to give me or my siblings, so I don't have a horse in this race from the "receiving perspective".

I do have children though, and thankfully decent prospects of being able to save for later life.

The idea that I could sit here now, look at one of them and think "you're going to get full access to my money as an when you need it", look at another of them and think "you're going to have to make your own way without my help, care for me in old age, and I'll tell the world you're a brat if you question that" is truly truly abhorrent.

What sort of monstrous "parents" are making certain posts on this thread?

This is really tough, OP. There’s a line, I think, and where exactly it lies varies. A couple of grand — I’m sure you wouldn’t be quite so upset. Even ten grand. Maybe more. But ninety grand (and, more to the point, HALF their savings) is A LOT. And yes, of course, none of us have any RIGHT to anyone else’s money — but I’d be smarting at the inequity too; despite what they presumably see as their attempt to make it fair, it’s NOT fair. For a start, if they end up ever needing care, that may well swallow up the rest of their money, and then some. I’m not sure there’s much you can do about it though. Would it help you to write them a letter (less emotional than trying to talk to them about it!) explaining how hurt you feel? Not with the aim of changing their minds necessarily (because from what you’ve said, I think it’s unlikely they will), but so you’ve said your piece? I do think, FWIW, that you’ll be hurt twice over unless you can find a way of (somehow) making your peace with this — but equally, I appreciate that’s far, far easier said than done.

100% this!

I haven't had to do anything, I have chosen to help with wedding costs just like OPs parents did for her. I've also chosen to help when they were doing post grad studies which they would have done anyway but it is nice to be supportive. Just like OPs parents I've helped with childcare when maternity leave ended, unlike OP my kids would agree it saved them thousands.

I think you forgot about the OPs £5k wedding and the free childcare. I guess we can't all have good memories.