Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

I understand your frustration OP. As someone that generally tries to find a bright side, I would suggest that perhaps your DC will inherit from him one day if he is very unlikely to have DC of his own?

Why did your dad need to justify it? You were clearly telling him you disagreed and he felt he needed to justify it. You didn't just listen did you.

It is hilarious that you think I am being unpleasant when you aren't speaking to your parents for six weeks because they aren't doing what you want with their money.

I know lots of people with a PhD who have mental disabilities. In fact the rate of mental illness among PhD students is off the scale. Neurodivergence is also high. Is he in an academic job or in industry now?

But it shouldn't be leaving one party being very upset.

I think it's unfair yes.however you have a good and independent life.therefore they don't have a say in how you do things. Often one child gets help.they are often rhe least able to cope. Maybe you could see if they may help a bit with bathroom if you drop A hint or two

Don't worry if you were my child and behaved like a brat you wouldn't need to withdraw.

Bizarrely, I'm watching this play out with a friend and her children. Older child (boy) has married, had 2 small boys. He and his family have asked for and received £25 000 over the years for various things. Daughter not married but has started to gently point out that this isn't fair. She's financially competent, owns her own flat but is aware she too might need help at some point. Friend's husband has just gone into care so now money is a bit tighter and friend can't just give daughter £25 000. People have suggested my friend leaves extra money to her daughter in her will.

Friend hasn't done that, just given a note to solicitor to that effect. This has no legal standing. My friend trusts that her son and daughter will sort it out. I don't trust her son, he's a bit of a leech. I can't say or do anything but I do think it's monumentally unfair.

Personally i think it's fine to treat kids differently - they are all individuals with individual circumstances after all. But £90k? That's just spiteful, favoritism plain and simple. £30k for a deposit, might be somewhat understandable, but not £90K when OP gets nothing. OP i think you're right to feel miffed. I would be taking a step back from the relationship.

I didn't say he justified it - I hardly said a word but he clearly felt for whatever reason he needed to tell me everything, including insisting on telling me the amounts when I didn't ask. I was in too much shock to say anything much at all. But seems like you know everything about everyone and everything - you are so clever.

Op, your dad has told you exactly what you need to do if you want fairness - become high maintenance.

Sorry but “fine just coddled” really doesn’t square with:
episodes of depression
12 years at uni (undergrad, masters, PhD takes around 7-8 years so this suggests serious delays to the studies)
cannot cope with noise or neighbours
presumably not in a career matching educational achievement
absolute certainty from family members that he won’t be able to form a long term relationship or family

Thing is, I don't want to have to drop hints - I would like them to realise they are being grossly unfair and showing extreme favouritism, as has been the case for the past 30-odd years.

@Iwasafool if you were the sort of parent that would do that....... I'd be long gone!

Blatant favouritism is vile!

I think it's fine treating adult kids differently. I wouldn't want to pop my clogs knowing that I treated both equally but one was living in a precarious housing situation and incapable of supporting a life with any security for themselves and the other happily married with children settled in their own home. Knowing that both both got the same amount from me would be little consolation. I brought them into the world to care for not play even-stevens.

Hopefully you've got an only child!

Ha, yes, I suppose so.

From your original post My Dad justifies it by saying

You brought up justifying and I assumed that was what you meant. As to being so clever, yes I can read and I suppose most people on here can.

No I have 4 and none of them have any interest in how and when I help them all. They have all had help at times, as they needed it not because one of the others needed it.

You had a head start on the property market by 12 years and also having a partner made buying a house much easier. His monthly mortgage repayments will likely be much higher than yours and he has 25+ years remaining.

It’s not the loss of interest on the £90K set aside for you, it’s the fact that care costs will likely eat into that if needed. Tbh it would be nice if your parents treated themselves now and again like a holiday and didn’t have to worry about either of their adult children. My DM is now in care, for the cost of one month she could have flown off to Australia and had an amazing time travelling, I wish she’d used it when she was well enough to do so.

Reading between the lines a lot of posters have picked up on your brother having some mental health issues, this doesn’t stop him from being academically high achieving, but may impact on his ability to manage day to day life. You are independent from your parents and they are probably feel like they don’t have to worry about you. He may have been gifted a wedge of cash but given the choice most people would rather have your life than his.

YABU. Its their money to do with as they wish. You have no claim on it until they are dead, they don't owe you anything.

Posters like this make me hope the parents pass leaving nothing.

I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house.

I guess this is why he wanted to sit down with you and explain? About the will bit maybe?

That wasn't a glib joke btw, but serious advice.

I can just imagine the reactions on here if the brother posted asking was he being unreasonable to accept 90k, half of his parents' life savings, so he could buy a detached (because he doesn't like noisy neighbours!) three bedroomed house to live in as a single, employed man, the same parents who'd funded him through twelve years of university. His sister doesn't seem happy about it.

OH MY GOD!!! HOW ENTITLED ARE YOU???? HOW DARE YOU TAKE YOUR PARENTS' SAVINGS, WHAT ABOUT THEIR RETIREMENT, AND WHY DO YOU NEED THREE BEDROOMS WHEN YOU LIVE ON YOUR OWN AND HOW ABOUT STANDING ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET INSTEAD OF SPONGING OFF YOUR PARENTS ALL YOUR LIFE - YOU'RE A WORKING MAN????! I WOULD LOVE TO NOT HAVE NOISY NEIGHBOURS BUT HAVE TO CUT MY CLOTH ACCORDING TO MY MEANS! I FEEL SORRY FOR YOUR SISTER!!

Some people just love an argument!

I like the letter idea, thank you. I think if I spoke to them in person my emotions might take over but at least with a letter I can write what I want to say calmly and say everything I want to. My intention is not to ask for any money, but to make them see that their actions have hurt me and that sadly that changes things going forward. Lots of past stuff to address too which links in to the favouritism.

@Iwasafool so you've had to help them all.....

Well at least OPs parents have been able to raise one child that's capable of making her own way in like.

Albeit they've messed up with the other one, who appears to be quite the wastrel.

Shame they're enabling that, but some parents do.