Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

Is this really about the money, OP? Or is it another “thing” he’s gotten (attention, money, etc) that you haven’t? It must feel like yet again they flat out love him more and that must suck, money or no money. I think that’s what the “it’s their money” crowd isn’t realising. Money is easy to focus on but OP has made it clear through this thread that she’s always felt less cared for than her DB.

I’d be very surprised if their future plans for being looked after aren’t OP, especially once their assets are drained. I’m watching my friend sort out her DM’s care these days and the amount of work and effort is astounding. Even she’s starting to resentful and she didn’t go into it always feeling less loved as OP maybe is.

Why didn't you go for university?

Maybe if you had, they would have helped you in whatever way it was possible at that time.

Just reading you Op, I was going to say YANBU as my grandparents did the same thing - giving everything to son and nothing to my mother even though she was financially worse off but reading further I feel your parents are not unfair or have a favourite, they have one child with mental health issues and they try to help him while you are well settled. At the end of day, it is their money and their son needs more than you right now.

YABU about mentioning help with university, unless you wanted to go to university and they refused to help you.

The free childcare is also time they won’t get back. Yes it was with their DGC but it’s still work (and hard work at that). The OP is really downplaying it but presumably it not only saved her money but helped her and her DH in their careers by being able to work more. But I’m sure OP will come along and say that it didn’t really assist much.

I'm sorry to hear this. It's difficult isn't it.

Nobody needs to study, though, do they? But pretty much everyone needs to work, to support themselves.

@Iwasafool no my parents were much more like you, dare to say anything about their awful judgements and be damned.

Luckily I'm able to not carry on that attitude to my children.

Errr I’d disagree. You wouldn’t have many teachers, lawyers and doctors around if nobody needed to study.

I find it interesting that you, and a lot of people on here, are saying they would think one sibling getting more is okay if it's to help because of a disability. My sister felt the same. I needed the money to keep my independence and she didn't. But I was very uncomfortable about accepting that kind of money (it was £20k) from them at all, and I felt much less uncomfortable when my sister was persuaded to take the same amount. Since then we've had a few tricky patches financially and my dad keeps offering us money and we keep saying no. I'm genuinely baffled at all these adults apparently feeling no guilt whatsoever about taking large sums of money from ageing parents. If your parents are mega rich and definitely won't need it then that's different, but most people's parents who have any savings will very likely need them to pay for care. It feels really wrong for a working adult to be financially dependent on a pensioner. I'd be ashamed.

Yes, how awful for my mum to spend quality time with her grandchildren. What a cow I am.

That's very unfair. Do you not like brother at all? He has depression, have had counselling for long and is sensitive to noise, you are saying you don't care, even if your parents can help him, they shouldn't because you won't get it as you don't have such issues.

Why should parents listen to a child so cold towards their sibling? Calling him High maintenance in Op, when he has mental health issues was misleading too.

Yes, totally right and I'm sorry - I meant that that the OP's brother didn't need to study.

providing regular childcare is quite different to “spending quality time”. I’ve heard this argument used countless times though - parents expected to do unpaid work and be grateful for it because they get to spend quality time with their grandkids.

You think they are awful judgements but they are their judgements to make. We only have your word for it they are awful, maybe they just don't suit your agenda. They aren't your puppets and they can do what they like with their money.

Sounds like you don’t have a great relationship with your brother?

Sounds like the brother has needs you don't know about. Can't live with others, needs quiet, will never have a family and had therapy isn't quite typical. Regardless of his academic achievements he obviously needs help and your parents have rightly stepped up.
It's unfair but life is unfair. You have a nice life which he will never have.
I think yabu.

Yes it’s unfair but I don’t think you can detach his mental state from everything.
If he can’t cope with noise and being near people a smaller house isn’t going to fit that criteria really especially taking into account his depression.
Its not a one size fits all and whilst you haven’t mentioned you a
have similar issues I’m surmising your parents recognise that.

Essentially what they leave you, if anything, in their will is their choice and at least they do recognise that at the moment they are giving your brother more.

The Uni money is irrelevant.

Thank you for understanding, yes, it goes far deeper and this feels like the "final straw" so to speak. And again, as you say, care, whenever it is needed, will fall to me as brother is 2 hours away.

You are not entitled to their money. I understand why you are upset about it but you’ll be a lot happier if you just assume you’re getting no inheritance and that you’re not entitled to their finances.

If your brother is completely capable of working, then yes, your parents are being unfair. I suppose it's their right to be, but it is unfair.

However, what I'm getting from your post is that your brother may have some kind of mental illness. That might not have stopped him getting his degrees or working to some degree. It may, however, stop him being capable of supporting himself completely.

I have a disabled child who cannot work and I fear for what happens to them if I am no longer around to house them. It may be life or death for them to be left housed (a circumstance that you said you'd find okay for inequality between your own children). My other child, who has a house and is independent, has even told me to cater to this disabled child first and exclude them from the will if needed. I protested that wasn't fair, but they were determined that it may be necessary. I haven't changed the will but the long term plan is to make sure housing is in place for the one child. We'll do it in the fairest way possible that doesn't exclude anyone, but I'm very grateful for the understanding and support of my other child.

If, and only if, there is more to your brother's situation than maybe you know, I do get where your parents might be coming from and this is the solution they have come up. Sometimes fair isn't equal.

I think the thing is this that in today's world it's a life changing sum of money.

I guess if it's all tied up with (perceived) past inequalities as well it's the straw that broken the camel's back for OP.

We don't have large sums of cash to give to my kids and never will (property to inherit though) but we (DH and i) give each of them the time, attention and physical help they ask of us whenever they ask. Each of them are in very different situations in life. They need us in different ways and it fluctuates over the years. I dearly hope none of them feel there's unfairness. I don't think they do ...

It's money that causes the big problems really isn't. Makes me almost glad we haven't got any spare!

I wonder why everyone assumes I am sorted and have a nice life? Maybe I hate where I live? Maybe it isn't the house I would have chosen, but we compromised and bought what we could afford with no financial help whatsoever?

It can be hard work, if they aren't being paid for it then it is a big money saver and it tends to be more flexible than nursery as granny is likely to have them even if they aren't well whereas nursery will expect the parents to keep them off until they are better.

I've done years of it, I have 8 GC with quite a spread of ages and whilst it is lovely to have that connection with them it is insulting when people almost seem to expect the GPs to be grateful for the honour of doing hours of work for free.

@RainIsCosy Your children sound lovely. You must be really proud of your child for understanding their siblings needs.

Maybe your brother's needs mean he isn't capable of achieving even that?

My parents had no money to leave us and like you I think it is almost a blessing as there is none of this nastiness.