Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

Happy to be corrected, but as I understand it, deprivation of assets in this context would only apply if it was proved that the parents were in ill health at the time they gifted the £90K.

Exactly this - I think if I didn't have children it would be easier to swallow, but their decision doesn't just affect me in the long run, it affects my children too.

My parents would never do this. A couple of my siblings and I went to Uni and as a result my parents gave my other siblings, who didn't, 20K each. That was very nice, but we wouldn't take any money off them now unless very desperate.

If your parents wanted to give their money away they should have said to your DB, we can afford to give you this much, as we are also giving DD the same to put towards her mortgage. Your DB is a CF'er of the highest order and TBH I would be having very serious words with him about taking money off our retired parents. That is not that much savings. One of my parents needs an op. The NHS are not forthcoming about it, and so they are forking out 12K themselves to get back their quality of life.

If it was me, I would be reading my DB the riot act at taking their savings.

My DH's parents are like this. They massively favour his sister. They spent 20K on her wedding, helped her out with no end of expenses, helped her out practically, but when we got married before her they told us they had no money and MIL cried when she reluctantly gave us £1K. We have never had any practical help off them or anything else. Now decades later my SIL is pushing back on their expectations of being their company, support network and listening ear and my DH is not interested in hearing it.

I bet when it comes to it, your DB won't want to know about being there for them when they need it?

I’m in a similar position, with my sibling being given a 6 figure sum as they have very high expectations on housing and can’t afford what they want. Eg they can afford £500k but actually want a £800k house.

There is a pattern to my parents’ behaviour where the sibling has always been favoured and more supported. They would say as they need more support but I think it enabled their reliance.

Honestly, if I stewed on it I would be really unhappy, so I just let it go. She is the favourite, this is just how things are. I can’t control this but I can control how it impacts my life.

It might wash out in their will, it might not, but I won’t worry about it. I’m also a believer that fair isn’t always equal, and that it’s my parents’ money that they can spend as they wish.

Don’t give it the headspace, move on and forward.

Ha, it would be nowhere near. My mum did it from when my daughter was 1 for two years (term time only) and then for a year when my son was 1 (also term time only).

The council would look at the following:

• making a lump-sum payment to someone else, possibly as a gift
• extravagant spending that is out of character
• extravagant living, such as gambling
• transferring the title deeds of your property to someone else
• putting your assets into a trust that can’t be revoked
• buying an investment bond with life insurance
• buying expensive items so they would be disregarded as personal possessions
• selling an asset for less than its true value
• giving away or selling the right to an income from a workplace pension.

There could be valid reasons for doing any of these things. The council must consider the timing and motivation of your actions. If they decide that you knew you would need care, and you were trying to avoid paying towards it, they may see this as deprivation of assets.

Well if you are insulted by the unfairness of getting £90k when they die plus half of everything else you can always say no thanks. If you were mine and moaned about it you wouldn't need to say no thanks as I would withdraw the offer. You do realise this is their money and they can do what they like with it.

You think it is unfair but your brother, and your parents, might think due to the 12 year age gap he is at a disadvantage to you, it is also unfair that he has depression and other mental health issues that you don't have. No one ever promised life would be fair, your parents are doing what they think is best and you are putting pressure on them. Do you think they should hand over the remaining £90k to you leaving them without any safety net?

He is fine, just pandered to. We all have things that we don't want to do in life or that make us uncomfortable, but he just feels he shouldn't have to put up with them.

Who says I don't have my own struggles? You know nothing about me. I just choose to get on with life and not expect to be coddled.

I just choose to get on with life and not expect to be coddled

But isn't this whole thread about you wanting to be equally coddled?

My sisters been given a slightly larger but not dissimilar amount. They are also much higher earners, but were buying in London.

Monetarily it’s uneven. We were gifted 20k as it’s what we needed as we chose a much cheaper midlands town. And when they leave London that money will be realised into quite a luxurious house or a lot more equity than us.

But it is what it is. It is what was needed at the time to get her on the ladder. I’m not upset as our parents can afford to give us what’s needed to meet any reasonable need at any time.

If I need something all I need to do is ask. But right now even though I too have a bathroom that needs doing and haven’t had a kitchen for two years - I am not asking for that because that’s not essential. It’s a want not a need. We are doing it slowly off our own backs. And enjoying that!

Whats different for you is your saying this is half their savings.

I would not be happy about that. Not because it’s going to my sister, but because are they going to have enough left for themselves? Do they have other assets they can use? Good house value?

Well you have a struggle with respecting your parents for sure. Your comments about you being "lumbered" with the fun stuff makes that clear so actually I do know something about you.

I'm not surprised your parents haven't been in touch, they must be horrified at your attitude and you harassing them about their money.

The big mistake your parents made was not keeping this private.

@WowIsMe my situation is very similar to yours. I think there is something about evening out the life styles between children.
My brother is emotionally vulnerable, my mum once said they were worried he might kill himself if he got into financial problems. He has a reasonable job, but just is bad with money.
To be honest, I think because OP is married they will see her as having a second inheritance and if they gave money to OP it's also to her husband.

My parents said they would change their Will but never have.
So OP, you are right to feel upset but you also have a choice to just move on and have a relationship with your parents.

He lives 2 hours away and I'm over the road, so yes, all that will fall at my feet too.

The thing that annoys me what comparing input Vs outcomes is that it's unequal input that caused the issue in the first place!

For example from the age of starting high school I was expected to make my own way around by bike or bus, come rain or shine, whereas my DB was ferried around in the car. My DB always had a fallback, I had to sink or swim.

Hence it's hardly surprising that in adulthood I am more independent and seemingly able to 'cope' better than him.

I suspect that I am the neuro diverse one, I'm certainly the one with mental health difficulties, but none of them probably suspect that as I know better than to go to them with my problems.

If you were my parent and treated me so differently, I'd withdraw from the relationship and let you get on with it

F.O.G would not influence me!

Oh you are incredibly unpleasant so I won't reply to you again - just to say, I haven't hassled them at all. I listened to what my Dad said, I left when the conversation had finished and I haven't been back.

What does F.O.G mean?

Can totally relate to all of this..

Quite. If you're going to show blatant favouritism to one child then you cant expect the unfavored child to help you later on. This works both ways.

Golden boy can do it. If he doesnt work, he'll have plenty of time to care for them in their dotage wont he?!

I get it. My mum and dad gave my sister and her husband £35000 towards a house about 15 years ago. Initially this was supposed to be taken into account when their will is distributed when they eventually pass on. I was frustrated at the time as although we owned a house in the UK we were priced out of an expensive Sydney market in Australia (even with the sale of our UK home as we had limited equity) but have been financially independent since leaving university so let it go thinking it would even out in the end. Last Xmas they mentioned that it 'probably didn't matter now' so we should just divide any money as per their will and not 'disadvantage' my sister by reducing her share...
On the one hand, I know it's their money and they can choose to gift it to whomever and however but on the other I'm peed off with the unfairness of it all....

No, the whole thread is about them being fair in their actions.

180k savings only? And half is gone now. Your parents will no doubt use the rest up over the next 20 years unless they downsize or release money from the house. Do they have private pensions to live off?

He works, so it will be tricky for him to keep coming backwards and forwards, but I'm sure he can think of something...

Fairness isn’t necessarily sameness of treatment though.