Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

Hi
Im sorry that this is causing you such discomfort. But the reality of it is that your parents have helped your brother as he needed support to give him the stability he needs. Also, they are putting a Will in place to benefit you to the same amount. I would try to be the bigger person and chat to your parents regarding this and see if they’ll go to a solicitor soon. The need to put their finances in a Trust to protect their finances from being taken for Care needs in the future. Also ask your parents if they could “inflation proof” your £90K

Some of us suck this up, shrug our shoulders etc. Some of us, like me, say no more and decide to pull away, put boundaries in place. I am not entitled but I do expect to be treated with the same consideration as others, I also have ups and downs and don't always want/can't be the one who is strong

This is so well said. There is a huge danger in assuming that just because someone appears "strong" and capable that they are always like that and they dont ever need help. This is how suicides happen and everyone says afterwards that they never had a clue anything was wrong. Its important to check in on people- people who appear "strong" can be just as vulnerable to depression and mental health struggles as those who are more public with their issues.

Thank you for this. I stand corrected. (This is a useful chart)

You sound rather proud of your ineptitude.

I have wrestled with depression and chronic pain for at least 30 years.

Keep mouth shut and head down. Didn't stop mine sticking the knife in the back.

Is there not a name for it now? Weaponised incompetence?

I think you're right.

It's usually applied to men who deliberately cock up the simplest of tasks to avoid being asked to (say) load the dishwasher, but it can be extended across all human activities, it seems.

@Zippy27

Please read this and the previous posts I’ve written saying the same.

You ARE getting the same as your brother. Legally this is very straightforward to put into trust to protect it for you and with current interest rates (and doubtless a property crash at some point), it will likely be worth more than your brothers share in the end when your parents pass.

Make it up with your parents and get the legalities sorted to ensure you have the amount promised.

Ps if it were me I would be going with them to the solicitors or helping them closely so that you know exactly what has been set up and what procedures are.

So there are no surprises, mismanagement or failure to set things up properly and moreover to make things less stressful in the end if you are executor (as you will likely be if your brother is incapable and you live across the road from your parents).

I'm really intrigued as to how all the brother sympathisers are so assured that op will in I presume a decade or so, will absolutely get 90k + an equal share of the parents assets.
That the money (which as people rightly say is her parents to do with as they wish) won't be spent on holidays, home improvements, care, more to the poor brothers needs....
Or is it a case of 'stop talking about this, you're upsetting peoples utopia of how lovely and wonderful this is, just #bekind and happy for him' ?

There's some wilful misunderstanding of the actual underlying problem (hint: it's not the money) going on here by certain posters.

Hopefully the educated and capable and well looked after brother of reality, rather than the totally made up poor soul of your fantasy will of course step up at his parents time of need!

But I do. I’ve applied to do a PhD for a September start and researched it all thoroughly before I applied. During my interview, my potential supervisors were very explicit about the hard slog involved. My 2,000 words research proposal alone took me five months to research and plan.

Over here in the real world, I’m very aware of the human parasites that live among us. If you’re capable of doing a PhD and can get it all paid for, you’re going to go for it, aren’t you? That’s why scholarships and studentships are so fiercely sought after. But most people wouldn’t accept a five figure sum from their (not rich) parents to do it full-time, after accepting another five figure sum (in total) to do two previous full-time degrees. And later take another five figure sum from their parents (half of their parents life savings) for a house they don’t need.

Another one who was clearly favoured/took the most. It's so blatantly obvious.

Exactly!

The only way to have done this fairly and kindly would have been to give them both a sum at the same time. The parents sadly sound stupid, easily manipulated by their grabby son who should buy a one bedroom flat as he's single with no wish to have a family.

People aren’t sure of this but from what op has said it looks like this is going to happen and she has a number of choices sulk and moan and become bitter in the process, fall out with her family and all the stress and upset that will cause or suck it up and get over it and move on. She has to choose, I was left significantly less than my younger sibling and I’ve had to move on otherwise it could have consumed me.

@DoreenonTill8

I’m being realistic regards to the person that OP has described.

He has mental health issues, sensory issues, issues communicating with people, wasn’t capable of any work until 30, continues to struggle.

It’s unlikely the parents will name him as executor or PoA, if they do, he may pass on it leaving either OP to take it up or the solicitor will step in.

OP is resentful of her parents treatment of her and doubts that she’ll get anything in the will after care costs.

Myself and others are telling her it is entirely possible to protect her 90k from care costs via trust, and that it can grow in value at a faster rate than the housing market. So it would be in her best interests to make sure the legal side of things is sorted, if she cares about this money so much.

I don't think she has to choose anything, her parents do.

If they stick to spoiling their ds to the point they are hurting their dd then they shouldn't be surprised if their relationship with their dd is strained at best going forward.

I'm not one for thinking we are entitled to an 'inheritance'. But if you give one dc a significant amount like this then you give all dc the same, at the same time.

Omg @DoreenonTill8

You can legally have it set up in a trust for the OP!! It’s very very straightforward.

If she sits on her arse in a huff and does nothing of course it will stay in parents name and could be up for grabs for other things.

If she acts like an adult, speaks to her parents and supports them to sort will and appropriate legal protection for the 90k for her then she is fine!!

wasn’t capable of any work until 30, oh behave! Managed 3 degrees one a PhD!
The justification for his behaviour and increasing high level of need which you embellish with each post is quite frighteningly astounding! I wonder how he managed viva given your made up level of need.

Best get your parents to do that for your sister then..😉
Why the need for a trust? Just do as they have for the bro, give it now then?

She will have to choose from the sounds of it… she’s clearly upset and her parents have made a choice and her moaning and sulking is unlikely to change that - what it will do is make her feel bad and bitter. I may have got this wrong but it didn’t sound from the op’s posts that this was up for discussion with her parents they have made their choice! She needs to make hers in terms of how her relationship continues with them and her brother.

@Janiie

as previously outlined, the brother is in need to retain his home, has a history of mental health and being dependent throughout adulthood, therefore giving him money would not be classed as deprivation of assets.

OP is independent, has the support of a husband, a stable home, no health issues and no pressing need for money. Giving her money would be seen as deprivation of assets.

Therefore her 90k is being written into their will. Which is fair.

What she can do is get a trust set up or similar (see solicitor), to protect that money from being spent on other things/care costs, and to insure it is growing in value between now and the point of death.

@DoreenonTill8

DEPRIVATION OF ASSETS

there is no pressing need for op to have anything right now

there is a pressing need for the brother to have as he’s about to be made homeless and staying in his home is key to his stability

@DoreenonTill8

Many people with mental health/neurodiversity end up in education for long periods of time.

You can, frankly, piss off and be ill for months at a time and catch up. There are alternative assessments provided, extensions, exam resits. And you don’t have to do that awesomely to come out at a qualification at the end of it.

It’s totally different to the demands of work.

OP is being offered the same amount of money. It can be protected and can increase in value.

I really don’t see what the issue is. She is in a much more secure situation than her brother with having a husband and home already and the only pressing need she mentioned was needing a new bathroom, which wouldn’t stand up against DOA.