Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

As an aside, how would this not be a case of deprivation of assets? 7 year rule is a fallacy

Of course it tears families apart.....

Because it's unfair!

Why do you think you are entitled to someone else's money?

So according to a sizeable contingent of people on MN it's fine to favour some of your kids, so long as you're still alive when you're doing it, but the worst kind of parental crime not to divvy up your worldly goods absolutely equally to all your children when you're dead. Got it.

I've read it differently, but none of us really know for sure. It would be interesting to hear the parents' perspective.

We also don't know if the three bedroom comes with the idea that the parents or a parent might move in one day. I know we were always advised a three bedroom retains value better than a smaller house, so maybe that's a factor too. We don't know if the parents have an interest in the property that's ongoing. OP may not know, even if she thinks she does.

Best thing is probably for OP to have an honest conversation with her parents about it all. Hopefully they will be able to fully engage in that talk. It's just going to keep eating her up otherwise.

OP's not. But nor are they entitled to any of her time, thought or consideration in the future.

If you want to live life limiting your loved ones solely to what they're legally entitled to, you'll be awfully lonely.

What a ridiculous take. So she basically wants to be paid for her time?

Nope, she wants fairness with her sibling. She wants equal consideration by her parents.

They're breaking the social contract with how they're treating her, why is she still expected to uphold it?

Why exactly are they entitled to what they want from OP in future, if you're so opposed to entitlement?

My husband's not entitled to my affection.

My husband's not entitled to my fidelity.

My husband's not entitled to my civility.

Would be a pretty shit relationship, and life for us both, if I made him justify every entitlement.

It’s their money but is unfair. It would be fairer to each get 45k now. Especially if brother doesn’t need 90k ( just means lower monthly payment).

OP, caring responsibility will only fall on you if you let it. If it gets to the stage where they can’t manage I would say I assumed the 90k was investment for your old age. That you would have somewhere to move to and be looked after. There is no way I would be the dogsbody after years of being underdog. Surely you won’t have time to run around for parents. Because you need to do/pay things for yourself you time/money (may need to work extra) goes towards this. They can’t have it both ways.

Op it is grossly unfair for parents to behave in this way towards their adult children.

I understand supporting offspring in need but 90k is a staggering amount of money to give away and not balance this out to their other children.

Your parents could sign their house they live in currently over to you both with the larger split to you - legal advice would be good with this arrangement.
It is possible to behave fairly towards your adult children if there is the will for it.

Having experienced this myself with a younger sibling getting chunks of money for house deposit, debt payments/tax bills & setting up a failed businessi, I understand how this cuts deep emotionally and how you as the other sibling pointing out the unfairness makes you look like the grabby one. It's really is very devisive and the hardest aspect is the realisation that your own parents are so stupidly unaware of the impact their actions have on the whole family and the siblings relationship to one another.

After much reflection on my own situation it became aparent to me that these unfair actions were indeed to cause division amongst us due to our parents narcissistic tendencies. Squabbling and jealous siblings do not gang up together against the parents - very very manipulative.

Sending sympathies to you and hope that you can let it go for your own sanity if a fairer arrangemwnt cannot be sought.

@Namechangenumber23

Likely they can prove that the money is needed due to the son’s mental health problems and his dependency on them which is documented over his entire adult life. He needs to stay in that house as it is his home and moving could destabilise him. Landlord has instigated the sale of home, parents step in to provide a very large deposit because otherwise he won’t be able to afford mortgage repayments (no partner, perhaps working part time or in a job beneath his qualifications due to health). Therefore it isn’t deprivation of assets, arguably, providing for a dependent.

Daughter has no health issues, fully independent with an husband, and does not have any pressing need for money therefore handing her out a comparable sum could be seen as deprivation of assets. Which may be why they have decided to set aside the 90k for her in will rather than a hand out now.

That's your rule, great thing is that we live in a free world.

But what about if he wants your money? Is that a fair entitlement?

Op is also not entitled to the free childcare. I feel very sorry for the parents. I hope they read this thread to know much op loves them for their money.

Op saying brother did PHD to avoid working is an opinion not a fact. You and op have no idea what it takes to do a PHD. Sadly people like you have no value of education.

Op is not legally entitled to any money from her parents. No court will favour op in this situation.

Do you mainrain a balance sheet to value relationships. How can you put a rate on grandparents childcare? It is invaluable but I am sorry that you have calculate relationship gives and takes with money.

Another one who thinks there entitled. What happened to loving ones parents for nothing? I have 4 siblings we've all had varying amounts over the years for things some as loans some as gifts and nobody actually cares same from our grandparents also. We are just happy for the other siblings and happy that our parents have chosen to give or help. There money is there right and what they've earned and to us love doesn't keep account of cost and wills and who gets what. If it comes for one of us then it's a lovely gesture and appreciated. I can never imagine us discussing wills and who gets what either. Maybe that's why I have a strong family because quite frankly money is boring and just makes the world tick but love makes you fly high.

@herecomestherain1 why do you think you're entitled to be treated differently to other family members?

If he still can't afford a house, did his education even have a value? Endless studying at someone else's expense isn't equivalent to working.

I do understand what it takes to do a PhD since I did one. Mentally it is challenging, but it's not as hard work as a full on stressful job in IT for example, or being a nurse on shifts. Lots of jobs are much more demanding.

I can understand helping him through uni - i don’t think there is an alternative these days
However i think its bonkers he cant move to a flat or a terrace

I am happy for the posters who either have families where siblings are pretty much treated fairly and listened to, where there is give and take and understanding.

However what many are missing is that in many families siblings are treated very differently with one sibling being given all the above and the other(s) having a huge expectation that they will just get on with it, be the strong one, not have any needs for support, their problems dismissed/ignored. As you get older you see this played out over and over, you realise your parents treat you differently not because one child needs more support but because they are favoured - any misdemeanours ignored/dismissed. When this culminates in something like the OP has spoken about it tips you over the edge. Often by this point your parents won't listen or have an adult conversation.

Some of us suck this up, shrug our shoulders etc. Some of us, like me, say no more and decide to pull away, put boundaries in place. I am not entitled but I do expect to be treated with the same consideration as others, I also have ups and downs and don't always want/can't be the one who is strong.

People seem to be missing that this isn't just about the money.

So even though you're the only one who's been bought a house and is being bankrolled/'rescued' financially by your parents... you're still hard done to, as Zammo said, 'just say No!'