Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

OP mentioned it was 1 day a week and term time only for I think 3 years so if you equate this to roughly 50 days a year at say 40 quid a day thats 6k plus a 5k wedding, so 11k which is vastly different to 90k PLUS his education and costs for 12 year's

@Robinni do you have some personal skin in this?

I'm the older sibling who is terrible with money and always needs bailing out by my parents whereas my younger brother is the (very) sensible, smart one who never gets into any drama in his life. I've also been gifted a flat by my grandparents (whereas my brother still rents). All in all, I've definitely cost my parents well into six figures whereas my brother hasn't even taken money from them for his uni costs (he took out a loan and worked).

It's definitely unfair but not at all because my parents love me more than my brother- it's totally the opposite. They adore him and are super proud of him, whereas I'm seen as the family screw up who always needs help. Doesn't make me feel good, but I don't think my brother gets upset over the money - he knows he's the "good" child 😅

@DoreenonTill8

I’ve done postgrad and it really wasn’t easy, I also have disability as do my DC.

The way the OP describes her brother and the relationship the parents have with him screams mental health, likely neurodivergent and support required.

If she is executor and power of attorney she had more control and can prevent unequal distribution of funds, that is my point.

If I suspected my sibling was going to be disproportionately favoured over me with inheritance I’d be straight in there getting things sewn up legally, helping them to organise a long term plan, as that is the only way of solving it (and avoiding oodles of money going on care too - they need legal advice).

If she is executor and power of attorney she had more control and can prevent unequal distribution of funds, that is my point

No she can't. Executor does what the will says. PoA can't dispense funds as they wish!

@DoreenonTill8

Nope, I just think - if you take into account that the parents will have £90k+ in savings as well as half their residence going to OP…. That there could be a better way of handling things to her own benefit.

Getting resentful over the brother is a sideshow distracting from preventing even greater disparity.

In fact all her behaviour now is doing is swinging more money his way.

You don’t think for a minute he might resent that you’ve been bought bailed out repeatedly and given a flat while he rents?

Plenty of degrees wouldn't lead you to a job that would afford you a house given current market.

@Robinni do you think it's just about money???

Or the blatant favouritism or the other sibling..

@DoreenonTill8

How many estates have you been executor of?? How many times PoA?

You make key decisions along the way as to how to go about things, if you are executor you have a lot of power.

While you have to follow the will, you may be the only one privy to bank accounts or the only one having access to the house and personal effects for example.

Again, if you have PoA, you are central to decisions.

Honestly, my best advice to OP is to make it up with her parents, to explain her feelings, and to try and convince them to set up a trust or similar for her £90k so it can accrue interest. And to sort the Will out properly. I’m thinking of the bigger picture - she needs to get a handle on it to prevent this pattern being repeated.

It’s not up to you how your parents spend their money or who they leave their money too . Sorry but you are being grabby !

@Noyesnoyes

Of course there is blatant favouritism, with the brother being preferentially treated due to his being born when they had more money, due to his choice to pursue education and due to his ill health and lack of partner.

But that is neither here nor there, if it were me I would be more concerned about my children losing a few hundred thousand.

Falling out with the parents on a long term basis and being resentful of the brother may lead to that.

In my view it’s a bigger concern than the emotional issue.

Well yeah, that's why I said he should have got a job instead.

My parents GAVE (not leant) my sibling £40k to have her bathroom and kitchen done. Nothing wrong with their original ones other than they wanted them modernising. SS and her DH had the house built to their own specifications just 10 years previously. They also have a high income and wouldn’t have taken them that long to save, or they could’ve got a loan.
I and DP (now DH) however were earning half what sibling was and we were renting for years then living with PIL whilst trying to save for a deposit to buy a house. Parents never offered us a penny to help us out. Feels good to not feel indebted to parents after getting a handout, but still feels unjust.

Can confirm - I'm on the other side of this in my family.

I'm the sibling who got nothing financially, but it wasn't a punishment. I got nothing because I was deemed responsible enough to look after myself. The lack of money meant approval, and that was worth more.

The sibling who got everything was more in need. The money wasn't a reward. It was just necessary and came with unspoken judgment attached to it.

I don't feel resentful at all.

It sounds like you have historical issues with your brother - and it’s incredibly sad that it’s the money that broke the camels back - because that’s what will be said - that you stopped talking to them because they gave him the money. The honest truth is - if this is going back as far as you say it has been, and it’s been unbearable and wrong, you should have confronted and dealt with it then - now wait until they’ve given him money to suddenly say that’s it now, because it’s making you look like it’s the money and not anything else. I speak from from someone in the same position as you - I too have a brother who is gods gift to earth (though we all have a very very close relationship) - so I known the feeling - you should have addressed this earlier. Not now. You sound bitter about a lot of things and rightly so - but, the adage of ‘it’s not your money’ does ring true - it’s not your money and they don’t have to be equal. Perhaps if you had made your feelings clearer to them years ago - they wouldn’t have done what they did, but you didn’t. Sorry OP - life isn’t fair.

FFS. Yeah how many doctors and vets do you know who are 18,19,20? Why wasn't he working when he was a younger student? He wasn't doing a PHd then was he? You don't know better than the OP.

But he avoided ever working until almost 30 years old and they enabled this

He hasn’t been in a position to achieve because he studied until he was 30 to avoid getting a job. He only stopped because he couldn’t study beyond a Phd

He never mentioned it and we have a good relationship, but I think he's more annoyed with me for always needing help than with my parents for giving it. He has a very successful career and rents a much nicer place than I live in, so I don't think he's envious of any money I've been given. As a poster above said, the parental bailouts always come with judgement attached and it definitely doesn't make me feel good to take money from my parents - especially as I'm much older than my brother. They definitely think much more highly of my brother than of me, which is totally understandable. So they help me out more most certainly not because I'm the favourite child but because I'm by far the more troublesome child.

If you have PoA for someone’s property and finance, you must act as if the person would act if they had capacity. The law is very clear. If they always hated cleaning and prioritised a cleaner, you support them to ensure this continues. If they liked expensive food and Waitrose was their shop of choice for 30 years and they can afford it, it’s not for the PoA to decide they’ll only have enough for Lidl.

I just want to say I feel for you.its crap having your nose rubbed onto this sort of nonsense.

OP, I’m sorry people can’t see past the fact that this gift of money is not only about the money.

It’s amazing how there’s a narrative your brother is very vulnerable, yet he can hold down a job and could get a mortgage for the remainder of the property. This isn’t to say he doesn’t have a mental illness but he’s managing to live 2 hours away and maintain his own home and has a job. So, while he may be unwell, it doesn’t strike me as someone who is so vulnerable that they need additional money. A 3 bedroom house is ridiculous as a first time buyer if you need £90k gifted.

My parents - for all their faults - are fair. They’re fair with money and they’re fair with love and time. My sister was given some extra money when she was struggling so much financially that she was skipping meals. She was a single parent and had been relying on child maintenance but he did a disappearing act. There was zero resentment because my parents are usually kind and fair. I don’t know how much they gave her and I don’t care. Nobody else expected our parents to match each pound but that’s because it’s always been fair. My dad paid for some private medical treatment for me many years ago. My mum helped my other sibling when his car died and needed a bit of help. So, you don’t have to be equal to be fair. This isn’t a one off. Your parents have always been unfair and I’m sorry. It must really hurt and you deserve to express yourself on here. I think it’s good to get it all out.

It's their money to do as they wish, you are not entitled to it. Stuff like this tears families apart, it's not worth dwelling on.

Whilst I'm normally of the school of thought its no one's business what people do with their own money I'm shocked reading this thread and the total lack of empathy from posters with the attitude towards the OP, I highly doubt any of you would simply not care if you were in this situation its not like the OP's parents have given her brother a couple of grand its bloody 90k! As the OP has said this has been going on for years! Its actually quite hurtful what the OP's parents have done they've basically shown how little they think about the OP and her feelings.

@Zippy27 I can sort of relate, although my mother has helped out me and my older sisters financially she has played favourites in how she treats us. My older sisters are the golden girls who can do no wrong, get treated with respect, their boundaries are respected and they've never been told about their behaviour when they've been out of line, this is despite the fact my eldest sister is extremely self absorbed and selfish to point she makes zero effort with my mum, me and my middle sister since my DN's are old enough to no longer need babysitting and she always has to be right that she jumps down your throat for daring to disagee with her and my mother enables it out of guilt I suspect.

However my mother constantly patronises me, is very critical, never passes up the opportunity to pick at me over the slightest thing, never shows an ounce of thought or care for my feelings and is now surprised by how much resentment I have towards her and continues with the facade she loves us all equally but her actions and behaviour say the exact opposite. I live the same distance from my mother as you do from your parents my middle sister lives 6 hours away and does help out in other ways eldest sister is a 10 minute drive and does fuck all but both of them expect me to do the lions share of whatever my mother needs. I've started pushing back big time now since my mother basically told me I do absolutely nothing for her and she doesn't like it but that's tough.

Op don't bother sending your parents a letter because you will be told you're unreasonable, jealous and bitter etc. Just continue to not bother anymore with them they'll reach out to you when they want something, but remember NO is a complete sentence as one MN poster put it on another thread. Your parents hurtful and thoughtless behaviour has now freed you of any obligation towards them including any possible future care they may need, as another poster pointed out your brother has a two spare bedrooms so he has the space to house them and care for them although I doubt it will happen and you won't be lumbered with your parents care you can and should say no. Too bad if your parents are upset and don't like it they should have seen the importance of building a good relationship with you, as the saying goes "you made your bed now lay in it". Your parents will indeed reap exactly what they've sown