Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

@Zippy27

You live at distance from your brother, obviously don’t like him, and aren’t that involved with his life… correct?

Your parents have supported him consistently, are close to him and have an understanding of his needs.

From an outsiders point of view it looks clearly to me like parents supporting their disabled son.

Depression and other mental health problems are considered to be disabling, if you don’t want to acknowledge this then that’s your business, but it doesn’t stop it being true.

😂

I shouldn't laugh at this but I can't help it.

@Robinni are you the DM justifying yourself?

You . . . obviously don’t like him

You know what causes one child to be resentful towards another?

The parents showing favouritism. That's what.

But being angry and resentful doesn't mean OP dislikes her brother, just that she is hurt and disappointed with the way their parents treat him compared to the way they treat her (and by extension their grandchildren).

Edit to add bit in brackets

Easy ti say when in your family it’s not you getting less!

It's also different when one needs support and the other doesn't.

I think if the sum given to a sibling is within your own means then you can argue the toss about not expecting any handouts and parents giving according to their own judgement.

But when the amounts start getting so huge and disproportionate without there being an obvious 'need' it can only be natural to start to question the decision.

The biggest problem is parents now in their 60s and 70s having made a small fortune mostly on property prices, looking at their kids on modest incomes not being able to afford the kind of homes they enjoyed.

My parents gave my sister £120K as a deposit and no where near that kind of contribution to my family. She now has more equity in her home than we've built up over 18 years paying into our mortgage.

I just can't get my head around it but I sure as hell will never do the same to my 3 kids (not that I'll ever be able to afford it!)

I'm sorry for your loss. I don’t think anyone would argue about unfairness in your circumstances. But that’s not the point of the thread.

To all…

I just don’t think it is in OP’s or her family’s interest to be throwing the toys out whenever she has been promised an equal amount at a later point and has received support in other ways.

Rather than using all her energy being resentful and isolating herself from her family, thus ensuring she will lose hundreds of thousands.

She could be using that energy to talk to her parents on an adult basis to ensure equality of treatment, and she should be pushing for set up of a trust, being executor and PA, having everything tied up legally….

Worrying about the brother is a waste of time.

There’s a big difference between needing support because you’ve made poor choices and not worked, and having a tragic event or set of circumstances that mean you have additional needs.

OP said it was 2 years for one child and 1 year for the other. And only term time as well so closer to £6000 than £26000. £6000 isn’t even one years university fees that they paid for her brother.

Sorry if I wasn't clear. I don't think that OP's brother does need support (from what she has told us).

He may or may not be autistic, but plenty of autistic people are able to live independently. Most, I would think.

Fair

You have got to be kidding me?! He has depression as has seen a counsellor at some point. So have literally millions of other people who are supporting themselves and not bleeding their aging parents dry. There's a long way between depression and disability.

I am the disabled sibling in my family and, while I have had more hands on help when my kids were small because as a wheelchair user I had extra challenges that my able bodied sister, I would not feel comfortable taking loads of money. They gave me money for a wheelchair accessible van, and they gave the same amount to her at the same time. That was £20k. They have offered me more and I have said no.

Unless your parents are properly loaded and can easily afford to give away £90k each to all their children without leaving themselves short, you shouldn't take it. Who the hell does that?!

Being a grown up, seeing a solicitor, working out a compromise, becoming executor of parents estate, making sure she is down as PA in the event they lose their faculties…. I mean that is the smart way to sort things out and make sure she gets inheritance due and has more control than the brother.
So op does all the work later as PoA and executor?....and all your huge sympathy for him?
I call you the bro and claim my 50p!

I would call anyone who studied and didn't work until they were 30 lazy.

Ditto and good for you ♥️

@Emotionalsupportviper

Wrong

https://i-am-autism.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/autism-and-work.pdf

@Ohlookwhoitis

You mean like many doctors, vets? Any job requiring PhD and few years post doc?

Hundreds of thousands of what.....

Care goes?

How has he been made homeless? Because the landlord is selling? So he finds another place, he hasn’t been kicked out onto the street!

Nope, plenty of people do PhDs because they are interested. It's a hard work in itself and not chill out time.

Hi Op, you are entirely justified in your feelings. There are so many nuances to this scenario and it's possible your parents thought they were doing the right thing by everyone. But that doesn't take away from the fact you feel hurt and rejected. It will take you time to process these feelings - maybe years. Give yourself the time and compassion to heal. You may come to some understanding over the years as to why your parents have acted like this. And that might be helpful. But while you're getting there, it's okay to protect yourself and be angry/ hurt/ frustrated. I'm sorry you feel like this. X

@Mostunexpected

OP decided not to pursue education, except in a part time capacity via open Uni.

If she decided not to work to get the grades at school or college, if she didn’t want to go at the usual time and thus didn’t avail of parental or government support that is on her.

She hasn’t clarified what financial support her brother received in terms of grant/loan, whether he would have been seen as an independent student or not, there isn’t any info.

His PhD he could have been paid with teaching alongside.

It doesn’t sound like she has full knowledge of what his income or financial arrangements were.