Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

I'd have told him to spaff all his money away on a massive jouse in the first place. Single man in a 3 bed detached, honestly.

She knows her brother, you don’t, and she directly said he did the PhD to avoid working. Guess what - plenty of people take additional degrees to avoid work. If you’re capable, workshy, don’t give a shit what resentment this may cause your sibling, and have mummy and daddy funding you (the parasite brother fits all those criteria), it’s a no brainer not to do it.

Why do people keep saying the OP's brother has serious mental health problems?

Probably because it suits whatever narrative they've written in their heads, rather than the OPs actual reality.

Of course you are the eldest, responsible and well placed to look after them.

Of course they tell you he is harder work and how lucky they are that you're doing well.

Of course when it actually comes to inheritance they will actually leave you both 5050 despite lying to you now because he will forever be incompetent, they will always feel responsible and meed his approval even in death and you will forever be expected to look after them in their older years.

Of course they can cut you to save him.

And because you love them you'll cave.

Can you tell I'm in a similar dynamic!?

I can assure you I was never the centre of attention at any age….

@Jaichangecentfoisdenom

I didn’t get further than the first page of OP’s giving off. But in the second post

“High Maintenance” as he is quite emotionally needy. Has had counselling, suffered from depression etc. He lives alone in this house and it’s a 3 bedroom detached, but he is so sensitive to noise and people and life in general that he woild never consider living anywhere attached.

Clearly a background of mental health, probably autism as well.

But it isn’t convenient to OP’s narrative to acknowledge this because it makes her position less justified.

Because it excuses them excusing the parents!

2 children. One could be a millionaire , the other homeless. 50/ 50 split of any assets and a sensible conversation before extreme old age sets in.

Your brother is a freeloader and your parents enable him. They are both unreasonable. He needs to stand on his own two feet and stop expecting handouts to make his life extra comfortable. It is living beyond his means and will back fire. Your parents need to stop encouraging this as they will not always be around to dig him out of a hole.

However, you need to find a way to put this to bed. You will not change them or the situation and will drive yourself nuts thinking about it.

The thing is, even though it’s deeply unfair and you are right to feel upset, it’s not going to help him in the long run if he’s work shy and just expects to be bailed out. My guess is once your parents are gone he’ll pressure you to give up your inheritance share and give it to him. What’s the chance of him defaulting on the mortgage and then coming to you for handouts when his ATM parents are gone- quite high I’d imagine.

Sadly I don’t see this working out for him long term. He’d have been better off getting a much smaller place with a tiny mortgage as you’ve said he doesn’t like working. This won’t end well but stay firm OP, you’ll be the expected cash cow when it’s just you and him.

Dont give him a penny.

@Zippy27 I just want to provide some solidarity with a similar situation.

Two years ago, DH and I moved out of our (purchased) flat and bought a house (with a mortgage.) We are early 40's and both have professional jobs in the city, which we have worked hard to get.

DH's younger brother (four years younger) who lived in a flatshare also wanted to buy at the same time as us but was (and remains to be) in a minimum wage job. He had around £20k of savings but that plus his minimum wage job would NOT allow him to get a mortgage to buy a one bed flat (we are all south east England).

So, DH's mum and dad gifted his brother £65k so he could get a modest mortgage and purchase a one bedroom flat.

But not only that. The brother chose a slightly cheaper flat and had around £10k surplus which he used to buy brand new furniture and get the flat decorated. The Dad was doing the painting and decorating and building furniture whilst the brother was at work!!!

Meanwhile, our house is a complete 'do-er upper' and we have furniture that's from 2008! Haha.

They just told DH as a matter of fact "we wanted to help him out" and "you two are already on the property ladder".

Errr... yes, through bloody hard work, saving money and NOT doing minimum wage jobs!!! The brother is very lazy and just wants an easy life. He is more than capable of doing something better paying but has said himself he "doesn't want the hassle"

Other points to note:

DH had to pay keep once he turned 16
The brother did not

The brother was also given bus and train money for college whereas DH had to get a job to fund his travel and any extra curricular fun.

Neither DH and I nor DH's brother have kids so no childcare to counter the £65k.

The brother also lived rent free in the mum and dad's after college when he didn't have a job for five years.

My DH did talk to his mum and dad about it a few months (maybe a year) after it all happened. His Dad got upset and said he just wanted them both to be on the property ladder but the mum was very defensive and said he didn't need help and that the younger brother was in more need. Said she had no regrets.

It's caused resentment in the family and I just feel so sad for my DH.

So, just to let you know that you are not alone! God knows why these parents do these things. It's completely out of order.

Mate, I could say the same of my own mental health problems and needs to be Greta Garbo, but I haven't the privilege, as I don't have the wherewithal, so I just have to get on and deal with normal life, just like the OP and the majority of other people who are not "golden children" or spoilt brats.

Oh fear not, I won’t. My children (both of them equally) are my priority.

I am quite sure that the NVDB's university costs were a LOT more than the OPs wedding and the amount the GPs did in child care.

BTW--I watched MY DGD for free. Heck, I would have paid (and did) for the privilege. Maybe GPs like YOU add up what it is worth, but rest assured, many of us did it because we WANTED to spend time with our beloved GC.

Sorry that you cannot figure that out.

Good. In my experience, people like your brother think they’ve hit the jackpot but it won’t last because they never learn to properly look after their finances or stand on their own two feet. Those of us who don’t get handouts by being the favourite end up having to learn to manage our money and so long term are in a healthier position.

You’ll have the last laugh in the end. And it will be entirely his own doing.

Thank you. It does help to know I’m not alone. I am gobsmacked by the number of people this seems to have happened to.

Sorry @Zippy27 . It hurts when your sibling is so obviously favoured. No money in our case but time & effort.

I moved across the country. It's easier when things are not constantly in your face.
I said sibling has had the best of our mother so they can deal with the worst. I will not be going back to help out with anything when the time comes.
And absolutely no guilt.

@mrsdineen2

If he hid in education for ten years with mental health, it’s pretty clear to see he will have had disabled students allowance, special support grant and a raft of other financial support and benefits.

I doubt the parents will have helped as much as the OP perceives.

If he was under 25 and living at home at the commencement of undergrad, he will have been taken as a dependent student and their income will have been taken into account for fee and loan purposes, as is right to do. If over 25 or living independently for 3yrs prior to commencement he will have been seen as independent.

If the OP had gone to Uni at the same age she would have been entitled to the same support, be is it via the loan/grant system or her parents. But she chose not to do so and that really isn’t her brother or parents fault.

On that basis, I don’t think the Uni funding should be taken into account.

And I think a grown adult woman being jealous of her parents supporting her disabled brother is a bit sad.

Throwing a tantrum is not the way to go….

She needs to acknowledge why he is getting this support now - as it is urgently required to prevent him becoming ill due to being forced out of his home.

If she is dissatisfied with having £90k given later, then she needs to voice this and explain why she has urgent need necessitating the same payout now.

To be honest I’d be asking parents to think about putting £90k in a trust or limited Co. with the current high interest rate (higher than housing is increasing), so that it accumulates through time. Rather than having it kept solely in parents name, that way OP has some assurance of it coming to her and having same or greater increase in value as brother’s property….

Being a grown up, seeing a solicitor, working out a compromise, becoming executor of parents estate, making sure she is down as PA in the event they lose their faculties…. I mean that is the smart way to sort things out and make sure she gets inheritance due and has more control than the brother.

@Zippy27 you need to be smart about this, play the long game and stop being emotional you are shooting yourself in the foot.

I can't believe the number of people who think this is about the money.

It's not.

It's about being loved and valued.

He really isn't in any way, shape or form, disabled. This assumption is frankly disrespectful to people who are actually disabled and have real problems in life.

Yes I would be extremely upset about this. It demonstrates extreme favouritism towards your brother.

Your brother gets £90k now and you have to wait until your parents die to get your £90k (which could potentially be worth half of that in another 15-20 years time).

They should have split the £90k fairly in my opinion.

I think you need to have an honest conversation with them about how this has made you feel.

Don't worry OP, Robinni will be back shortly to tell you the rest of the backstory to your life, and a full character breakdown of your entire family. Grab a cuppa and sit tight, because tonight Zippy, this is your life.

Thank you to everyone who has commented thoughtfully and reasonably (whether agreeing with me or otherwise). I really appreciate it and it has helped me to know that I'm certainly not alone. However, this thread has taken over the day for me today and is taking up a lot of headspace so I'm going to delete my account and mull over all of the suggestions about how to proceed. Thanks again to all who replied with respect.

What level of need are you going to attribute to him next @Robinni? You're becoming a bit of an Elevenerifer!