Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

It’s hard to fathom the thinking behind it. But my sister is the high maintenance one in my family (it’s just me & her). My mum says that because she has a house, car & good career she needs the money to keep up her lifestyle. It’s been like this since she went to Uni. She’s had so much financial help. And she’s not shy about asking, either!

I don’t have any of the above, but my mum thinks that because we’re “paupers” we don’t need the money. Not realising that my sister has benefitted hugely from their financial help. I’m simply too proud to ask. My mum will come over to my house & be horrified if I’ve bought something new “how can you afford that?”

You seriously can't see a problem with parents paying for one child to do three degrees while charging the other child rent while they pay for their own degree?

Excellent point. If OP's parents want to be unfair and only help her brother then equally, OP can say no, I am not helping you in old age. After all, life aint fair right? so that applies equally to both OP AND her parents.

And this attitude would be OK, if it wasn't for the faces like slapped arses when it's suggested that they have no claim on her time.

That’s fine too. They don’t own you just like they don’t owe you. You are separate independent people.

Which is why I said each to their own :)

You'll find you're in the minority amongst those attacking OP

This!! The parents have created this situation by handing it poorly and disrespectfully.

Reading the OP's posts, it isn't about the money. It's about the favouritism and unfairness over many years, how that's made her feel, for years! And the expectation that she'll just keep on sucking it up in silence, and then presumably even get the wipes out for them when they finally reach that stage.

OP, you seem to have three choices.

1. Wait until the pain subsides, and you can have a calm and open conversation with them about how you've felt over the years, and how this has been the final straw for you. And maybe ask what their expectations are if they need more help in their older years or ill health? Get them thinking.
2. Get passive aggressive and turn the tables. Are you closer to your dad? From what you've said it sounds like this golden child favouritism might be coming more from your mum, and your dad is going along even though he's not comfortable with it? If so, can you shower your dad with MASSIVE cards and thoughtful presents, invite him round for a cuppa, treat him to days out with you/the family. Then just give your mum one of those totally generic blank cards with a £5 voucher in it, and if she ever asks for a lift, or shopping/prescription to be collected, ask her to pay for the petrol? If they ever twig, or ask why, tell them it's just because you feel your dad is more "high maintenance".
3. Acceptance that people, including your immediate family, can be a bit rubbish. Decide what your boundaries are, and what you need for it to have minimal impact on you and your little family unit going forward.

And I'm sorry your parents haven't made it abundantly crystal clear to you over the years that they appreciate and respect you every bit as much as your brother.

Yes, When they expect you to care for them and help them out I’d be telling them I am only caring for my DHs parents since they NEED it more. Wonder how that will go down eh?

I would be interested to hear the parents' side of the story.

If I became aware that one of my DCs was taking it upon him or herself to decide how I should leave my money and how deserving the other sibling may or may not be, I would be having a very good think about my will. Especially if I had already provided several thousands in wedding money and childcare to the questioning child.

As Shakespeare put it "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child".

"He’s not disabled at all - just been pandered to all his life and babied. So now he can’t cope with anything without my parents to help him."

You really don't sound as though you like your brother very much at all. You said that he suffers from depression. That is a mental health condition and goes beyond him having just been pandered to. You have said that you would only treat your children differently if one needed life saving treatment. But surely depression is also a medical condition that impacts upon your brother. What if one of your children ended up with a mental health condition and was unable to work, whereas your other was happily married with a good job? Would you not want to help the one that was struggling if you could? It's very easy to say that you wouldn't at this stage when your kids are both young and when you are viewing the situation through your biased viewpoint.

Whose life would you rather have? Yours or your brother's? I am in a similar position to you insofaras my parents bought my sister a large house with land, whereas my husband and I and two children lived in a slightly smaller property with a mortgage and are the ones to see and support my parents. However, my sister is a vulnerable and deeply unhappy alcoholic who lives alone and now has end stage liver failure. I wouldn't wish to switch positions with her. I disagreed with my parents over them buying her a large house outright, but only because i felt that it was enabling her, which turned out to be correct. But i can understand them just wanting to see her have a nice house over her head. I don't for one minute feel as though they favour her. To be honest i think that, if anything, they prefer my company slightly because they throw money at her, but i get their time and they love to see my children.

As I’ve posted earlier in the thread, one of my siblings has received much more parental support than the other two of us. But, they need it more than we do. There’s certainly no resentment or ‘wedge’ between any of us.

Those of us that haven’t received / needed the help are grateful that we’ve got comfortable lives, supportive parents and that we are all treated as individuals with individual needs.

So everything in your post is alien to me. I accept others could feel resentment, but surely that can only be the case if you think you’re entitled to something and don’t get it? And I don’t understand that either.

It is definitely unfair.
Your circumstances could easily change before you are likely to inherit, and as another poster stated, if one goes into a care home, then all the value from any inheritence would have gone, before you get anything.
Also, unless stated in the will, you are relying on your DB to honour this agreement, and maybe he wouldn't.

A similar scenario happened in our family and caused repercussions for the next 20 years.
It smacks of favouritism, and even if it were a much smaller sum, they would still be treating their children unfairly.
Of course, they are entitled to give their DS anything they like, but you are also entitled to be upset about it.

As Shakespeare put it "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child".

You think the brother is not thankless? he's taken half their savings FFS

He's a bloke though. OP just needs to #bekind

Oh yes. 5k (after paying rent to them to live there) is exactly the same as 90k plus being supported uni (undergrad, postgrad and PHD).

I'm sure your children know who the favourite it already, you wouldn't need to make it obvious in a will.

Sorry I forgot about that!

I will bet money he wont lift a finger for them when they're old.

Grossly unfair. My Mum's parents essentially gifted their house to her man child of a brother (because he was apparently incapable of managing his own life) while she struggled and worked two jobs to bring up a child on her own in a council house - hence, in their eyes, coping. Within a few years he had re mortgaged it up to the eyeballs and it was subsequently re possessed. My mum had no inheritance whatsoever once care costs were paid etc. She bit her lip (because there really wasn't much other option) but it was terribly unfair, and actually I think had an impact on her emotionally way beyond that, because of the underlying message about how you value different members of your family.

Wouldn't upset me if I was happy enough with my own finances. Sounds like your brother needs the help more than you do I'd count yourself lucky you are so self sufficient.

And be soo happy for him!

I can’t believe anyone thinks this OK. It’s blatantly unfair. I’ve got 2 teenagers and it would be like me giving one of them a brand new iPhone for Christmas, and the other one a satsuma and a promise of an identical iPhone in 30 years! And it’s not about the iPhone, it’s about the clear message being sent about favouritism

I wholeheartedly agree with this. It's just awful. I'd be gutted too OP. Parents who favour one child are so monumentally stupid- it can absolutely ruin sibling relationships forever.

In my family I am the sibling that has received the large sum of money £120k. One sibling has had substantial sums between £10/20k several times but as loans, some of which he didn't even start to repay for years always interest free.
The other sibling has never had anything & is fully aware & happy with the situation.
I invested the money to provide monthly income.
My DH died when I was in my early 40's - subsequently I had to give up my job as one of my children was really struggling, I became self employed & work around my child's needs now, should I have turned down my parents help?
I would be hurt if either of my siblings was upset about me having had my inheritance - I now get nothing in the will, one sibling gets the house the other the cash as lives abroad, both will be more than I got but I had the help when I needed it & what would I do with a house on the other side of the country.
Things aren't always as simple as they appear & people don't always share the full details, maybe try talking to them again

I did an Open University degree part time while working full time and funded it myself, while paying my parents rent to live at home, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it, both of you!

Why are posters making out that Ops brother is disabled, rather than just an entitled twat? He sounds like many sons that are treated by parents as the second coming, being given whatever they ask for.

My own sibling was one of them, decided as a teenager not to work, he actually said many times “why should I work if others can keep me”. He was also well educated, a grammar school kid. He had a monthly allowance from parents for most of his life and when he/his wife decided they deserved to buy their rented house, also a large deposit like Ops brother.

When I bought my first house, single & in my early 20s, all I got was discouragement and being told I would never manage, be in debt etc.
In hindsight, I suspect they (DM mainly) couldn’t swallow me doing something that darling son wasn’t able to do at that point.

As others have said Op, live your own life and detach as much as you can from your parents and brother. My mum died a year after I found out about the money (it was a secret from me for many years, everyone else knew!) and my life is much better for not having her constant put downs and conversations about poor darling brother.

I have nothing to do with him now.

As many posters have said, the ones defending my parents’ decision are the ones who have received large sums of money over their siblings. Isn’t that interesting…