Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

Nope. i always said it was his money to do with what he wanted. I had expected to inherit but he gave it all to his new wife who was in fact his non live in carer and they kept the marriage a secret for 5 years. I was bitter but not about the money, I didn’t get a thing not even his old photos.

... they have halved their savings and need the rest

In which case they'd better hope there isn't a ealth catastrophe which puts them in a home any time soon, because that £90k gift may well be seen as deprivation of assets

And as PPs have said I don't suppose for a moment you'd leave them completely alone in an emergency, but that doesn't mean you'd need to be the one to sort it all out

Well because some people believe they should help their children based on need and some that they should try to treat them all equally.

You may not agree with differing viewpoints from a moral perspective. But to say you don't understand why people might feel that way is pretty bizarre. Every parent wants their children to succeed and have a stable life.

Most people have limited resources, and in a situation where parents see one child as handicapped in some way and struggling and other as doing OK then it doesn't take a massive stretch of the imagination to understand why they might want to give more help to the struggling one.

And no it doesn't necessarily lead to division and resentment because some children actually understand why their parents act that way, as evidenced on the thread.

Ahh @Zippy27 you won't have to worry about the fun stuff, your brother now has a 3 bed house and is work shy - they'll be moving in with him. You need to drop that in to a conversation and reset the playing field.

Hi
id also be quite upset by this as well so you’re within your rights. But it’s a great pity to let it cause a rift between you, your parents and brother.
Maybe you could have a discussion with your parents and tell them how you feel. Could you ask them if they would be willing to give you a sum of money to do up your bathroom. That would probably go a long way to making you feel better about this. And if they do give you something it could be deducted from the £90K in their Will. Also it would be sensible if they got a Solicitor to sort out the finances/Will now! It could all go on Care fees in the future otherwise.

Where has OP said hes "handicapped"?

There is no legal entitlement to this in the UK though. So just as many would choose to split it evenly, it’s just that - a choice. Something that the OP could do with appreciating.

As the brother's house is mortgaged and the equity in the house is the security for the loan I doubt it would be possible to do any of that. They aren't buying the house outright - it is a £260K house with a 90K deposit.

Exactly, if life is not fair, why can’t op laugh in parents faces when they need care or things doing??

In my reading of all her posts, I believe that the OP has stated quite clearly that her brother suffers from no other mental health issue than that of being a spoilt, demanding, adult brat (my interpretation).

That is never answered by a certain group on here. "You're not entitled to x, y or z" only ever goes in one direction.

Nowhere, posters have decided this from what I've read from the ops stating her brother has said he can't deal with noise from other people and that's why he needs a 3 bed detached house? Oh and fact that he's got a PhD?

My Mum gave me £80k to buy a house several years ago. A similar arrangement to OP in that it's an advance on my inheritance I pay back a couple of hundred pounds a month to bring the total down & it means Mum is still getting a return. What ever I still owe when it comes to our inheritance will be taken from the total before it's split between my brother & I

Once a year she gives my brother a statement confirming how much I've paid & how much the difference is.

One big difference is she discussed her proposal with my brother before she told me. She wanted to be sure he was OK with it. I'm very lucky that he was. Our circumstances are very different & he lives in a lovely 4 bed house with his family whereas I was renting & had no.hope of saving a deposit

I bought a small one bedroom house outright for just under £80k. Its in my name & like every other home owner I'm 100% responsible for changes or work needing down

I'm incredibly lucky and so grateful to my Mum & my brother.

He's never minded in the slightest. He knew this was my only way to buy a house of my own

@RainIsCosy I got the impression from OP’s posts that her brother is intelligent, has a job, is perfectly capable, but not very strong, so doesn’t want to have to experience any discomfort. Hence wanting a nice 3-bed detached house that he is already living in. I didn’t get the feeling he was hugely vulnerable and mentally unwell.

Honestly?

I would slap a For Sale sign on your house OP and look to move some distance away.

Tell your parents that their favoured, coddled child will have to be looking out for them going forward, as you're out, as they have depleted their limited savings by giving it to him. You will not be there to pick up the pieces. This has been a lifelong issue for you regarding the disparate treatment, and you're done with it.

You reap what you sow.

If parents don't want a fall out, they should treat their children fairly. Not lavish one with gifts and money and not the other and expect them to shut up and put up, to avoid a falling out. It works both ways.

This is good advice. But in order for each parent to leave their respective half of their house in their wills separately, they should check the title deeds. If they are ‘joint tenants’ on death the deceased spouse’s half passes automatically to the surviving spouse. If this is the case they will need to change the deeds so that they are ‘tenants in common’. This will avoid the full value of the home to pass to someone who may need residential care in the future.

It sounds very much like your DB is neurodivergent. I am too and I’ve not been conventionally successful. I’ve not been successful in any way really except for raising my autistic DS who’s now at uni and living away…something I never expected. And I try to be kind and spend time helping and giving advice. People often say that I brighten their day so perhaps I’m not a total failure.

If I could go back thirty years with the brain I have now, things would be different but I can’t and that’s that. I’m sure it causes frustration to my family but I think they’re happy for me to be given more help so that I’m not a burden to them in the future.

I do think that your parents should perhaps give you maybe 10k now so that you can get your renovations sorted out. Because I bet if your brother needed 100k they’d give it to him.

It sounds as if you don’t love your DB. It sounds as if he had a miserable existence being single and depressed.

All that said, I have one high flyer, and one who lives as a hermit at his dad’s house who dropped out of A levels and has done absolutely nothing except read web novels for three or four years. I cannot see myself giving him more inheritance if I’m honest. If my eldest was trying hard that would be different.

It's your parents money, and whilst it may seem unfair, they are doing what they can to help your brother because they are able to. If you were the one in a position of greater need, then they would have surely have helped you over him. They don't have to treat you both the same because you are individual people and will have differing needs at different times.
Why should your parents come over to see you? They most likely know that you are having a strop and probably feel hurt that you are treating them as some sort of cash cows. You could have calmly talked this over and explained how it's made you feel and how your concerns are that they might not have any savings left later on. However, it sounds as though they have tried to offer reassurance.
As a mother of two children, whom i both adore equally, i am always surprised that grown adults can still buy into the concept that parents can love one child more than another. It just seems rather spoiled to me and smacks of sibling rivalry.

Did all the people claiming this is okay miss the bit about them paying to support the brother through bachelor's, masters and PhD, but charging OP rent while she worked to put herself through uni? Exactly how blatant does if have to be before you will see injustice?!

But she has no claim on the money. There doesn’t have to be ‘justice’. The only ‘injustice’ is the way the grabby, entitled OP is trying to dictate what her parents do with their money. She has no right to do that.

Why should the OP bother to walk across to them.....such blatant favouritism!

Luckily OP is clearly not suffering from FOG!

Good on her!

My parents have done similar and I'm not at all bothered.

Me and DH are financially fine with the the mortgage on our home all but paid off.

My sister and her DH are very wealthy and own multiple properties.

My brother is single, never married , no children and never got on the housing ladder and is approaching 50. He has a good job and is paid well but his rent was going up and up over the years and then the landlord wanted to sell the property.

Mum said it was keeping her awake at night worrying that he would struggle to pay rent when he retired so they gave him a large deposit for a flat. When he retires he can hopefully sell the flat and relocate out of London to a cheaper area.

My view is it's up to them how they spend their money. They could have spent it on holidays every year but they never do. They have lots of savings as they live a simple life. If helping my brother out makes mum sleep better at night then that's a good thing.

I'd feel similar. I wouldn't love living across the road from them at this point.

🙄 the hoops some people will jump through is unbelievable