Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

Clearly you got/took the most.

@kaben to be honest I don’t blame the way you are feeling and I can read the anger & hurt in your posts

I would probably have a stinking big row with them with regards to how unfair they have been and then I would seriously consider moving away from them and going very low contact

if they want to play favourites then they can do that but they can also deal with the fall out
people get away with stuff because they rarely get pulled up about being unfair

and yeah “it’s there money “ blah blah and all that shit but it’s also up to you to decide on how you want to deal with your parents unfairness towards you

if you don’t it’s going to be you wiping there ass when they manage
you sorting out care and doing shopping blah blah and Golden Balls Brother will be deemed to “ fragile” to help

Old Golden Balls brother will say he’s to far away to help but disagree with absolutely everything you do

and he will still get his share of any inheritance

And probably those who will say how horrible it would be if you went no contact / moved away have probably either benefited from inheritance or don’t need it as in it won’t make any difference to them

We have 2 adult DDs and would never do this. I fall over myself to treat my DDs the same even though their circumstances are different and thankfully they are both very understanding so when I help one although I might not be able to give the other the same at the time I make a point of rectifying it asap. So for example I gave one my old car last year so this year we are helping the other one with home improvements to the same amount. We also make sure we keep enough back to ensure we are self sufficient. I imagine you are very hurt unsurprisingly but if he is the golden child they may not see it.

As you say though it sounds like your Dad is not entirely comfortable with it by ensuring you know that your brother has had this money and they intend to rectify at the end of the day. They cannot promise that though as lots can happen and they may need their money and house proceeds for care in later life. Also £90k in 20 years time won't be worth the same as it is today. However as others have said there is little you can do as it is their money. It would certainly affect how I felt about them though. Have they not seen their grandchildren in 5-6 weeks in spite of you living across the road from them? How have they not realised that you are upset or do they not care? I am not sure I would write any letter to them. They sound so thick skinned they would not care. Just live your life and go LC as it sounds like whatever you do your DB will always come first.

It would probably hurt less if you had plenty of money but the fact that you need money to do work to the house and they do not see that would hurt. Leave them all to it and just focus on your own little family.

Ah, the “life isn’t fair” brigade rock up

nope it’s not “life” that isn’t fair. People, actual people, are unfair .
life can be random, it can send death and destruction, and illness..but the rest is man made.

in my experience the “life is unfair” statements are made by the people who are greedy, entitled, and unjust.

stop blaming the mysterious “life”. Use the term PEOPLE. people are unfair. And o be on receiving end of someone’s unfairness is shit, hurtful, frustrating, disappointing and very thing else the OP feels

It's very hard for everyone but hardest for you and the child struggling. I wish you well and hope your other child is reasonable enough to not have resentment towards a sibling who has serious Sen issues and requires caring from you.

Why does the brother need to buy a house with money he doesn't have?

Agree👏
It’s just all too petty and no one’s business who parents help out and why.

I haven't RTFT but if your dad recognises the issue and will discuss it, could you ask that a) the 90k only be given to your brother on the condition that you get a ring-fenced share in your brother's house equivalent to 45k of its current value), and b) when your parents die, your brother buys you out. If he can't/won't, then the investment just sits there for your children until your brother passes.

It’s extremely unfair on parents that kids think they have any right whatsoever to dictate what their parents do with their own money.
Thats unfair and OP needs to stop playing the victim here and move on or this will eat her up forever.

It’s extremely unfair on adult kids that elderly parents think they have any right whatsoever to dictate what their kids do with their own time.
Thats unfair and OP's parents needs to stop playing the victim here and move on or this will eat them up forever

Will you post this (or similar) when they're asking her to care for them?

Brother not allowed to give it to his own next of kin then if he has any.
In this scenario he’s clearly not allowed any😔
Perhaps OP could return the wedding money too. Shouldnt every bit of money and help given by the parents be factored in on both sides with a value on each, including hourly rate for childcare🤣🤨

This is all so hilarious 😂😂

It's shocking to see that for so many adult children, their parents worth is the money they can get from them.
A poster is warning Op that her parents may not give her 90 k promised as they may need to when they are much older for their own care.
Op, did your parents refusal to pay you money stopped you from going in university? If not then, why that comparison is valid versus your parents providing you childcare?

I actually agree! I’m of the ‘stop looking at what your brother’s getting’ camp purely because we’re the ones who get passed over and I know how hard it is to not take it personally. But I absolutely agree with this too. Maybe everyone needs to back off expecting anything from anyone. Or is that getting nihilistic?

I really don’t get why parents do this- other than to buy affection form a given child who they fear will give them no attention otherwise.

noticable daughter lives across road and is in regular contact - doesn’t need to buy her love

my big beef about this and the inheritance unfairness is that don’t Barents realise that favouring one child more, or disinheriting another, puts firm wedges between children and breaks their relationships. It causes huge divides, resentments and unhappiness that will resonance through following generation too.

why the hell would anyone want to leave that as their legacy ? “Oh, I’ll write my Will in such as way to drive division and hurt for the rest of my children’s lives long after I’m gone, just so I continually remind them of my rejection and disapproval and they’ll end up hating my memory ” 🤷🏼‍♀️

Even where parents have gone LC or NC, how much more powerful to leave a legacy of forgiveness and reconciliation. That would be a great way o be remembered after you did.

I simply don’t get it. 🤯

Patents should want to help their kids in t8me of need
Kids should want to help their parents in time of need

Thats what a family is all about.
Not what you can get out of it. No one should be practically bribing anyone over anything. That’s not a family.

It’s amazing how some people will only consider caring for a loved one if there’s a personal financial game!

I’d be seriously concerned about your parents ability to make financial decisions.

How old are they? What are their financial goals and needs for the rest of their lives? They have made it your business now so ask hard questions.

The fact they don’t have a will right this second is concerning and suggests they aren’t necessarily aware and maybe haven’t planned ahead.

How will they cope should their health deteriorate? If they need to adapt their own house (people don’t tend to go from healthy one day and care home the next). There is usually a painful process of deteriorating health which could require paid for support.

Would you class them a vulnerable at all? If so your brother taking this money is a big red flag.

I agree.
Thats what life’s becoming.
Nothing for no one, live your own life and sod the rest of the family because they only seem to care if they get money. The poor parents.

Then op shouldn't care for them in future if it bothers her so much. If everything is so transactional, does op feel ok about her parents giving free childcare?

Exactly @Redpaisley
wonder if her brother is posting on another thread about that 🤣.

See, personally I strongly believe in the value of family, community and helping each other out as much as you can. Despite my strong views here, I've subsidised my parents over the years because I was able to and they needed it.

I've no expectation of getting that back, never mind any more on top of it. Because they simply don't have it and my siblings will get an equal share of nothing. My love for my parents has nothing to do with their non-existent money, and everything to do with the love and fairness I've seen over the years.

What I strongly object to however, is when parents play favourites, neglect one adult child (normally the daughter), in favour of financially lavishing the other (son), then ask her to care for them after the fact and insult her when she questions that set up.

When they break the implied social contract of treating your kids equally and doing your best for all them, how dare they try to collect the rewards from it regardless?

Your brother may get into difficulties with the mortgage, did I read that the house is £270k and they are giving him £90k? Has he much saved to add to it? £180K is a hefty loan on one income, especially if he's irresponsible or foolish with money. Surely if he can manage to borrow £180K he's on a good income so why has he had to tap your parents for a massive deposit?

I agree with this but in Op's case, her brother has mental health issues and parents are not trying to buy affection but out of worry.

It feels unfair but ultimately it is their money and choice. No one is entitled to an inheritance. Not speaking to them doesn’t look good you’re not kids fighting over who has the best toys but adults. They have offered to adjust the will which they don’t have to do. That not being enough makes you look greedy. So many families fallout over money, is it really worth it?

I am opposite in a way, I believe inheritance should go down the bloodline. As it came to me, so shall it continue. No grandchildren, then no or less much less.inheritance. The childless person if they want to, can at most benefit from a trust property that goes back to the bloodline when they die.

MH is not the same as a severe learning difficulty. I have seen sooo many parents coddle their teens and young adults. What they needed was a kick up the bum, get an education, get a job and launch. No alternative lifestyle of living off parents in to 30s onwards…to the detriment of other siblings. If they are not successful or in a low income, so what? And it is the boys/men in particular they cannot allow to fail, as men are supposed to earn well and if they do not then they and in turn the family is reflected on badly.