Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

But it’s not about favouritism it’s about need. Can’t you see that?

Their favouritism/pandering to one child causes do much damage to the whole family. It is such nasty and lazy thing to do. Whilst I don't believe fair is the same as equal - it is obvious when it is neither. I can see this goes well beyond money. DH's parent's play favourites (not with money) and the damage it has caused...we had one child as DH was so affected by it and didn't want history repeating (clear evidence of it in the generation above too).

On the £90K extra in the future though - when my dad died my brother and I used an inflation calculator to work out the fair distribution. Small sums but for example by dad owed step brother (different brother - not involved with executing the will) £2K from 8 years ago - his estate paid £2.5K back to allow for inflation (can't remember the exact figures). I would assume this would apply? E.g. £90K in 2012 would be the equivalent £125K today (using bank of England inflation calculator). As to whether there is enough money to fund this in the future...

There would be a lot of things to consider to make this fair though - doesn't sound that they've made much effort to think about that or at least not communicate it effectively.

Haven't studied maslow's hierarchy of needs for a while, but I'd imagine OP's house is more basic need than her brother's PhD.

But her brother doesn't need this house, he doesn't need that 90k. He could rent somewhere else, or OPs parents could give him 45k and he could buy a smaller cheaper house.

@Eggplant44 "People these days make their own money in life."

You are entirely missing the fact that her brother has, despite being extremely highly educated, has failed to do just this and is happy to sponge off his parents. Why should that be rewarded?

But his parents feel he needs that money. And want to give it to him. Perhaps he’s simply a nicer person than OP.

So it's not about needs after all, it's about feelings and wants?

That's one of the quickest turnarounds I've seen on here.

All I’m saying is it’s not her money. She has no right to any money from her parents whatsoever. None. Nada. And she’s taking about insisting they write cuz into their will? Jeez! Talk about entitled!!!!

Nonsense, you said at 13:57

"But it’s not about favouritism it’s about need. Can’t you see that?"

Then 14:11

"But his parents feel he needs that money. And want to give it to him. Perhaps he’s simply a nicer person than OP."

Two directly contradictory posts, made solely with intention of undermining and attacking the OP.

OPs brother is working and the mortgage he can get suggests he is earning at least 35 - 40K

I haven’t talked about insisting any such thing.

Thankfully I was aware there are some nasty pieces of work on here already.

My apologies @Eggplant44 , my comment above was directed to @Starlightshine. 😳

This is hard - I am sorry to read this. X

Seems like you can be thoroughly proud of what you have achieved. Sorry your treatment was so unfair - it is hard isn’t it.

No I wouldn't be upset. My younger sibling was given money for a house and similarly to you it is in my parents's will that I will receive a similar amount when they die to balance things out. I'm not upset about it at all, I'd rather they were alive! And I am satisfied with my house, plus I take pride in not receiving handouts from them. I also wouldn't swap lives with my sibling, I prefer mine!

But my sibling isn't the favourite. Maybe if there was a history of favouritism I'd feel differently.

I can see that ‘need’ is relevant. However I have based how I would feel on the circumstances as described by the poster. From her description I can’t see a ‘need’ that means one sibling gets 90k and the other nothing. My view is that if the parents have 90k to give away, in the circumstances as described, it should be equally. I say that as I don’t see the ‘need’ for the brother to get so much. I do also concede that it’s their money to spend as their choose. But with that comes the caveat that choices sometimes have consequences and both the choice and consequences of the choice are indeed theirs to own.

I reckon those lacking in empathy here, the ones who are calling you nasty for taking umbrage at your parents' distinctly unkind behaviour towards you for many years and in many respects, are themselves the "golden children", who have no idea of how hard it is to be the disregarded sibling but still living in close proximity to the parents. Reading between the lines, @Zippy27, it seems clear you don't really want to break contact completely with your parents for the sake of your children, living as you do so close to their grandparents, but their behaviour has put you between a rock and a hard place. I completely understand where you're coming from but I'm afraid I have absolutely no idea what to suggest you do now. I just wanted to show solidarity with you

(Hope that makes sense.)

I think you misquoted, that comment was made by Starlightshine.

I’m sorry I don’t really understand why you’re so upset, maybe I’m reading it wrong, but when they pass away you will get £90k and the rest equally split between you? So basically you’ll get the same in the long run?

So you paid your parents rent while working and studying, and your parents paid his rent and his university costs?? I’d be very low contact, I might drop in a birthday or Christmas card. Just to the mailbox, not knocking at the door. Your dad knows this is shit, they can’t expect the relationship to just survive an endless amount of knocks and huge neon signs with marching bands ‘you are unimportant’ I’m so sorry op.

I don't think a nicer person would accept half of their parents entire life savings and think it's fine their sibling is getting nothing.
Should we help out our kids based on how nice they are now? But somehow that's not favouritism?
She knows she has no entitlement to the money and isn't insisting on anything. She is just hurt that she is, yet again, being completely overlooked in favour of the brother.

very unlikely. There is a good chance they keep subsidising brother and finding different impossible ways to justify this to themselves. If they have anything left it might have to go on funding care; there’s no way to know what their needs will be when more frail. They might never change their will, because really they’ve never made it fair before so do you think they’d go change their will to make it ‘fair’? I say ‘fair’ because 90k will be worth much less by the time it comes to the will being read out. Todays value for 90k 20 years from now is not far off 30k.

Apart from the fact that there's a chance that when they pass away a lot of the money would have been used up in care home fees or carer costs.
He is getting 90k now while OP is getting the promise of some money at some point in the future if they still have it. Plus they've shown favouritism to her brother often in the past so I'd guess when they do actually pass away OP would get a surprise (or maybe it wouldn't actually be a surprise) and that 90k extra wouldn't materialise

How much of that money will be left if the parents need residential care (Or even if they don't? Do you think this man is going to start magically to properly manage his budget and stop "borrowing" off his parents?)

And suppose the 90K is still there - if there's even more because they have good pensions and have been able to put money aside - who's to say the parent won't think "Oh, Zippy will be OK - she always seems to scrape through somehow. We'd better leave it to UselessSon - he's always short of cash and he won't have us to cadge off once we're gone."