Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

It's horrible, because it's not just this.

Maybe you should text them and say ' sorry but I need some time and don't want to see you for a while, because while you have every right to do with your money as you wish. This is just another reminder that I mean less to you than my DB, and whether you agree with this or not. This is how you're actions have made me feel.
So if you respect me at all you'll leave me alone until I'm ready for you to be in my life again'

Perhaps your DP and DB are a bit 'thick'' and ''stupid'' - how can they not consider this gift as very unfair indeed? To ''relieve'' your anger and disappointment though I would give them all a piece of your mind and then move on as best you can. I do wonder however if they themselves will have enough savings for any emergency of their own that occurs as I think you said they had total savings before gift of only £180,000.

I sm trying to keep my emotions in check here. I listed about 10 mins ago and a lot if memories are resurfacing.
It's ok people saying the parents are helping the child in need. However I once was an adult child in a desperate situation but got yold I made my own bed do get in with it. A few years later I asked mum.and dad if I could borrow a tenner gor fome food. Eventually they said yes. I was on the bones of my arse. Months later dad hummed and harred around me and said you know that tenner can I hd r ut back. Fast forward a few years my brother gets a house bought for him, in cash by parents.
I just block it. My sisters bring it up every now and again but I tell them there's nothing to be done, let it go.
I just try to live my best life and keep in touch with the parents every now and again.

This happened to me too OP, both other siblings got £500,000 for a home, I was a single parent and got nothing. This was only a part of it.
On a major occasion birthday I got a 1 minute max phone call and that was it. I used to go there for xmas and watch the other two open hundreds of presents and I only had a few cheap things.
I did nothing to deserve this treatment. I'm a good person.
I was hurt, angry and upset but in the end decided I can't let them live in my head rent free anymore I have to move on because the resentment was killing me slowly and surely, like drinking a pint of poison every single day.
I moved hundreds of miles away and made my life the best it could be.
We barely communicate.
It won't be me looking after them in their old age that's for sure and running around after them. I'm the only one of us who is independent with my own career and a home I bought with all my own hard work and I get a huge amount of pleasure out of that.
I just live my life, make sure I have good friends and a wider support network.

OP- I really wouldnt be too worried about caring for them when they need it then. They cant help you out now as it's all gone on an extravagant house that your bro doesnt really NEED so you can also make the choice not to care for them. You can tell them you cant help them as you are prioritising your children- they NEED you so they can pay for carers if they want help in the future.

I think in your position I too would be very upset OP. I have two siblings and whilst my parents have been generous with each of us, they have always done so equally. They say what you do for one you just do for another.
My youngest brother has a mental illness meaning that he will never work so I do understand that they will want to make extra provision for him. However if there was nothing stopping him working I would be very annoyed at the unfair treatment.
I feel for you as it’s not just about the money but what it signifies. I hope you manage to move past this and accept that we can’t change other people’s actions. Keep your head held high x

OMG that would have killed me. I'm so sorry.

I just live my life, make sure I have good friends and a wider support network
That's exactly what I do.

There’s a 12 year age gap so you have had the opportunity to buy a house when they were significantly cheaper.

It may seem unfair but due to house prices increasing at higher rate than wages it may have only the only way for him to get on the property ladder.

Ultimately it’s their decision. If your decision to visit and maintain a relationship with your parents is conditional on how much money they are willing to give you that says a lot more about you then anything else.

It may seem unfair but due to house prices increasing at higher rate than wages it may have only the only way for him to get on the property ladder

Most people get on the property ladder with a modest flat or house. Not a detached three bedroom property as a single person so this hardly applies does it?

Yeah, it’s horrible and unfair. I’m the competent child out of three, who has always received less (actually no) financial support and very little emotional support growing up. All the focus was on my older siblings as they shouted loudest.

My parents now wonder why we have a somewhat distant relationship,
while my middle aged siblings call them daily putting their woes and stresses on them.

Im happy, in a good career and in a secure and happy marriage with lovely children. I have had to let this go and disengage.

Tell your parents how you feel and then let it be enough. Don’t let it occupy your headspace as it won’t do you any good.

I have such a sibling.

I've always worked, left home at 19, always paid my way and never asked for or been offered a penny by our parents. I bought my first house at 27 without any help from anyone.

My feckless DB was constantly getting bailed out by them and getting handouts, moving back in with them when it suited and then abandoned them when they started showing signs of dementia. He didn't even stay in the same area, so we were both 120+ miles away from them, but in different directions. But it was always me they rang when they were having a crisis and I'd have to book time off work and dash up there. They never rang my unemployed DB.

And guess which of us cleared out 30+ years of hoarding from their house after they'd died?

OP I can completely understand your hurt here. It's a lifetime of feeling less loved and looked after. It's not the finances, it's the feelings. I'm sorry some are being obtuse and pious and focusing only on the figures involved. Although even if you only look at the cold hard figures it's plainly obvious the inequality!

I'd feel massively "done" too. I think you do need to tell them why. Make it plain and then go as low contact as possible.

Make mention of moving away when the kids are older. Throw into conversation how lovely it is DB has a nice big house they could stay in with him when the time comes they need more help.

I think all you can do is low contact and make your stance clear. They've made their bed and put a final nail in the already strained family dynamics. Good luck to them.

It must be hard. Try to focus on your family and what's good that you have. I like the other posters analogy of the bruise. These things do leave a lasting emotional mark but we can choose how to move forward after the injury.

Gosh I would be furious and absolutely heartbroken. I don't believe for a second anyone who says they wouldn't care.

I'm not one for ultimatums but i think I would have to ask for 90k or seriously consider not talking to them anymore (tricky I know as they live opposite)

Its hard not being the golden child. I'm so sorry 🩷

I’d be absolutely seething in your shoes. I’d probably cut all three of them out entirely, including any future inheritance. It’s really not about the money but if you are going to treat siblings so disproportionately don’t be surprised when the ‘runner up’ doesn’t stick around.

I chose to make my own way as I didn't care about my parents' money and what they do with it so yes I would still be happy making my own way/own money just as I am. I will unlikely be as rich as my parents are but then I did it myself without benefit of inheritance and better off than my siblings. Better off because I have the benefit of spending my money now and building for the future whilst my siblings will still have to wait yet more years to get their hands on money and have been struggling in the interim for decades.

So, I actually wouldn't be bothered about this. It's my parents' money and they can do with it what they want and if helping my brother out made them happy then that's what I'd want them to do.

However, if it was the other way round, my brother would never speak to me or my parents ever again. And he's very open about the fact he would feel like that.

Different personalities and different relationships. You can't help how you feel.

Do you gift large amounts of money to one of your children and ignore the other/s? Will you be leaving equal inheritance?

Thats great, really.

You are massively, massively grabby! I can’t actually believe what I am reading! It’s not bloody downtown abbey. People these days make their own money in life. Ignore what others may and may not have or give to others. It’s their money! Not yours! You’ll find life much happier this way. My parents gave my brother £50k towards his house. Guess what? I could t care less. He needs it more than I ever will.

I really hope your parents parcel off an inheritance for you and leave it to a donkey sanctuary. If you were my child and sent me a letter demanding money was left to you in my will I would make absolutely certain you wouldn’t get a penny!

My parents gave my brother £50k towards his house. Guess what? I could t care less. He needs it more than I ever will.

If you had been the one who needed it, and they had still given the only to him would you feel the same way?

I bet you wouldn't!

Looks like when you say "people make their own money", you mean daughters.

Attacking OP so viciously to convince yourself that your parents' favouritism is normal is an interesting choice. I hope for your sake it works for you.

Its not grabby and its not about money.

I have seen the word ‘grabby’ quite a bit in this thread. I don’t think this is about the money or entitlement at all. It’s the inequality of it, the favouritism of one sibling over others. No one would make me feel second best especially not a parent that’s supposed to love and care about you. So for me I’d call it out as favouritism and if that didn’t alter my parents view then that’s on them, they make their decision and I would make mine.

There is a 12 year age gap.

So when the OP was getting married it would be likely her brother was in school.

When the OP was having her children it would be likely her brother was doing his degrees.

It would not be good idea and even practical for the parents to give each of them the same amount of money at the same time.

One of the issues is that it is clear the OP doesn't get on with her brother.

My own parents gave to us children what we needed and it can't be compared due to age gaps so things like the economy, benefits etc being different plus some siblings have a different other parent. However it helps that my siblings aren't a-holes and we support each other. So I could go off on one about not being given certain financial help from my parents but I got other support and help from my siblings.