Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

I completely understand how you feel, but I do wonder whether 'high maintenance' is masking an undiagnosed need. Being sensitive to noise to the extent you cant stand to be next to anyone, suffering from depression etc are not 'normal' needs. It is possible that he has needs that mean he comes off as high maintenance, but in reality his needs are higher than yours due to mental health or personality disorder or some other kind of need. While that wont help your hurt, it may answer why he acts the way he does. There is 12 years between myself and my brother who does have a diagnosed special need, and he does get more than me but of course he can never achieve in the same way that I can achieve. So I accept that and I am part of helping and supporting him. You may end up falling out with your Parents on this so finding a way to either manage your feelings or talk to them about it, but recognise that they have a different view from you. Big hugs to you.

Beuatifully put. There's more to life than money, people are free to do what they want and money given or lent on a needs basis shouldn't be tallied up over time to ensure 'fairness'. It just reduces relationhips and family ties to financial terms, which is, to me, a poor outlook on life

Absolutely all of this.

OP, it is upsetting. Especially since it seems to be a pattern. It's their money, but it would still upset me.

I am horrified that your brother is happily taking HALF of their life savings without a thought given to what happens if they need care in the future.

I couldn't do that to my parents. If one of them ends up in nursing home, the remaining savings will be gone in a flash and then they would have to move into a council nursing home not of their choosing. All because your brother has leeched 90k off them.

Absolutely disgusting.

I cared for my parents to the very best of my ability. My mother then willed my male sibling the house. At the time I sucked it up.

Disgusting behaviour and I will never get over it.

OP would happily take money off her parents if they offered it though. Her gripe isn’t that her parents’ savings are being depleted it’s that she isn’t getting anything now and that what she is getting under their will will be worth less in the future.

She said previously she isnt asking for it, just that it would be considered when they pass which is not unreasonable.

Why are you holding OP to a different standard than her brother?- he's literally taken it so why no judgement on him? he's revolting

I think (mind you - IANAL) that they can recover it even if the parents were in good health when the money was gifted. I don't know if this applies to every money gift, or just to those over a stated threshold, though.

Very unfair of them to gift one child a lump sum and not the other. It's hurtful. The brother has high earning potential and they treat him like a feeble dependent.

I'd be afraid also that you'd accept this, do everything for them in old age and discover in 20 years that they had 'forgotten' to change the will to give you the extra reduced-in-value £90k.

90k is a ridiculous amount to give a dc whilst making the other wait for an inheritance. They should obvs have split it and given you 45k each and let him find somewhere he could afford.

Blatant favouritism in families is not ok, causing lifelong bitterness and resentment.

I'm sorry op, this must hurt .

A very similar thing happened to me.
It was a done deal and mum and dad told me and my sisters they had bought a house for brother outright but not to worry we will get theirs in their will.
We did point out that potential we won't if care costs become involved.
I'm not going to lie but for a while I was quite bitter.
However I have chosen to let it go and i feel free.
As the saying goes, you can't chose how people act but you can choose how you react. There's no point spending days feeling resentful.

I really don't get people. I think you should be happy with your gifts and stop comparing "comparison is the theft of joy". And that is someone who came from a very wealthy family who absolutely made his own way and my siblings are going to inherit £millions and i will inherit £0 and absolutely happy with that.

I'm not surprised - rightly or wrongly, things like this make you feel less loved than your sibling.

I have been in a similar situation, and it's the thought that they don't care - or rather, care more about the sibling than about you.

Money is nothing compared to emotions.

Of course resentment is an unpleasant emotion but how to suck it up..? Its like throwing a huge rock into a pond. It goes on and on.

You can look at both your children and say "help when you NEED it" as in the first sentence.

That is compatible with the OPs brother NEEDS housing and parents are helping. The OP would prefer to have a new bathroom. It is not a need and certainly not an urgent need. If OPs boiler blows up in the winter and she has no savings or access to credit I'm sure her parents will be waiting in the wings - that's a need. If OP and her partner split/ she was bereaved or bancrupt and she needed help with housing I'm sure her parents would do whatever they could to help her.

that is compatible with the OPs brother NEEDS housing and parents are helping

He needs a place to live, he doesn't need a three bedroom detached house. He wants that. Thats the difference.

I wouldn't be upset OP but I'm very close to my siblings and do not begrudge them good fortune. In fact I wish them every success.

Sister of the year then!

Come on, you must see that Op is allowed to be upset that she and her brother are treated very differently by their parents.

You mean, you wouldn't be secretly hoping that their good fortune would be snatched away from them in the form of re-couped care home fees - and implement a bit of righteous equality? You must be lying, apparently.

You may think it is sad and controlling.

Someone else may be pleased at their relatives attempt to make sure things are apportioned as evenly as possible.

I don't think either of these views has any moral high ground.

From your first post, OP, I think you’re actually feeling more “second-best” than jealous of the money, per se.
Can you speak to your parents about it from that perspective? You mentioned that the one exception that you would make in your own situation would be life-saving healthcare costs: is it possible that they are deeply concerned about his mental stability, and consider that the stability that owning a property would bring him would be somehow life-saving for him?
If they are caught up in his issues this much, it’s possible that the alternative in this case would be to have him move back in with them - but maybe they want to avoid that?
Sending hugs - hope you can get to the bottom of it💐

My gripe goes way deeper than that, you just choose not to read those posts.

Yes. This.

@SOBplus
I really don't get people. I think you should be happy with your gifts and stop comparing "comparison is the theft of joy". And that is someone who came from a very wealthy family who absolutely made his own way and my siblings are going to inherit £millions and i will inherit £0 and absolutely happy with that

C'mon, be realistic, if you hadn't 'made your own way' would you really not care that you would get nothing.

Well they wouldn’t now as they have halved their savings and need the rest. My family would be out on the street if things went wrong with jobs etc.