Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

Yes I would. Live by the sword, die by the sword. But the GP's are providing care for OP's children...

If everything is tit for tat and noted down and filed away in a ledger, op will owe them for that childcare.

It's very obvious to see who on this thread are the favoured children in their own family dynamics. 😉

I feel very sorry for you, OP. I was an unfavoured grandchild and whilst financial amounts were much smaller it still hurt like hell.

I'm leaving my money equally to my children regardless of what happens in the future

We won’t be. It’s not driven by us though, the split is driven by our kids who work cooperatively on it. In fact the one who is responsible for doing the calculations, predictors and whatnot (pretty much what they do for a living 😁) has themselves as receiving nothing, and is absolutely fine with that (proposed by themselves as part of the calculations package). This is because we have brought our kids up believing in equity rather than equality and they want the end result to be that they are all on equal footing so to speak, which takes into account life in itself is not fair. We are proud of them for wanting to take this approach. Much better than raising twunts who believe in an equal split in an unequal world.

Why the devil would she owe them? You said yourself nothing in life is fair.

You know what? You could play the long game here. Don’t cut them off - go and suck up and ask if you can have 90k to make it equal- tell them you want a nicer house, life, more space

Youve got nothing to lose in the slightest as if you fall out with you then at some point you could be disinherited completely

This is speculation but I've spent a lot of time trying to win my parents affection and approval- could be do to with that.

I'll hold my hands up and say I've had free childcare off my parents but in a weird way that isn't altruistic either, it's another expectation. My parents definitely see me as provider of the grandchildren and the time with them is definitely still on their terms, even if it is benefiting me. I'd have preferred to pay for childcare to be honest but I didn't want to create a huge blow up so I went along with it.
Tending to my DB still comes first though, they will flake on my little kids for him.

Op WILL 100% get roped in to caring for her parents. She lives across the street. It's all well and good posters saying on here, don't help your parents later on, but the harsh reality, is that it is the Op who will get a call at 4am, to say that a parent has had a fall and needs help. No one would say "tough, you'll just have to stay on the floor".

My own Dad was thriving about 4 years ago. Fast forward to now, and he is immobile, has carers going in 4 times a day, and relies on my sibling and I to do everything for him. We are rapidly approaching him needing to go into care. It's so easy to say, that you would never let a parent go into care, but, it's not that simple. My Dad is 22 stone and needs a hoist to be moved around. He's had periods of incontinence but now needs hoisting onto a commode. If he gets an infection he hallucinates and thinks he has been kidnapped. He's been known to call us up to 20 times a day. They go downhill surprisingly fast, and you can feel as though you're being sucked into a living nightmare. Op won't have the luxury of just saying "get on with it", when they are in crisis mode.

Thinking about this if I were the parents I would probably have put some sort of charge on the house to be repayable in the event of the brothers death.

So if the house was 180K I would have given the brother a lifetime interest in the house and the sibling 25% ownership (45k). I would have made it that the brother can either buy out the sibling at the market rate or live in the house til he dies in which case the 25% reverts to the sibling. That way the brother gets the house to live in and the sister/her estate gets her share when he no longer needs it. I doubt whether something like this would cost too much to set up. There is probably more detail than I have put here required. But something along the lines of this would achieve probably a better balance of treating both siblings equally while securing a home for the brother and allow the sibling to benefit the same from any appreciation of the house price.

Actually as I posted upthread, I have several siblings and one has been given significant financial help the others haven’t. I don’t begrudge it at all - my sister (who sounds a bit like OPs brother and likely high functioning autistic but doesn’t want diagnosis) would not be independent without it and I would rather make my own way in life. Although actually one of my other sisters (ironically the one who is by far the wealthiest of all of us) has very much the attitude of the OP and says that even if she were a billionaire she’d expect my mum to divide the money equally.

This.

There is no money in my family. Just my mums house. We've all contributed to paying the mortgage off here and there over the years. Me and my DH have 2 houses (we had one each when we met) one disabled sibling has a house with their spouse, no kids, one is renting, one kid, and one has several kids but now has issues and was living at home before going missing. My mum is now looking after those kids full time so that sibling has received how much in nannying costs, if costed out?

Should I insist that the house be sold so I can have 'my share' making family homeless? No I wouldn't.

IF the house were to be sold, should we all get an equal share? I personally would say no. It should be split according to need. We will do all we can to keep the house though so we and the next gen of kids will always have a home, my mum drummed that into us.

But should I make the sibling that will live in the house pay me rent, because 'thats fair'? No I wouldn't. We will all probably live there on and off as circumstances dictate.

The grabby attitude towards other peoples' money/inheritance on MN leaves a taste of sick in my mouth.

Apparently the owe her because they are helping her brother..

I agree with the poster who said about reading the riot act to your DB. Fancy taking 50 % of an elderly couple's savings! He's a disgrace.
I would calculate what percentage of the house price they've given him and use that to calculate what you should receive, perhaps suggest this to your DPs as a compromise. I have 2 adult DC and nothing would ever make me treat them like this.

That's awful and I really feel for you, you have every right to be upset.

My DC are young adults and as a parent I can see how different they are and their lives are likely to be. My younger DC is smart but not great socially, my older DC has life sorted - a nice partner, good job etc. I think it would be easy to imagine my younger DC leading a more introverted life and at the moment they certainly need more support form us. I feel if they were more social and had friends or partner there would be less dependence on us parents.
I'm just saying this so you might see that that hopefully your parents love you equally but see your needs differently.

Having said that, I hope I would never do anything as divisive. I hope my elder DC doesn't think they are less favourite, because that is absolutely not true.

I think you should talk to your parents about how they have made you feel. I imagine it's not about the money, its about fairness. I don't suppose there is much they can do at this point, but it's important that they acknowledge your feelings and put necessary steps in place to ring-fence your inheritance.

utterly , utterly devastating to be on the receiving end of this treatment. I know.

Yeah, I'm saying if everything is fair, they owe her the help they give her brother, and she owes them the help they give her children.

You're saying she can't expect fairness between her and her bother, but she better be fair to her parents when they need care. You've a very selective view of fairness.

Do you always stack the deck agaisnt women with your double standards?

"I'm leaving my money equally to my children regardless of what happens in the future." Good for you.

I also don't agree with 'financial reward' just because a sibling does more than the other but sadly throughout my whole life, 'D'B has been the golden child (much like OP's) and now that both my parents need care at home and it's all fallen on me, I am allowed to feel resentment that the golden child gets away with doing sod all to help.

And I'm fully supporting my parents in how they split their estate; it's their money...I never said otherwise. It just sticks in the throat when you see your gloating sibling reap the benefits of doing sweet FA.

This. He doesn’t need to purchase THIS particular house.

I would be absolutely fuming about this and given the long history would 100% have to say my piece, to all of them, get it off my chest and walk away leaving them to mull over it BUT…. be fully prepared for the consequences. ie; getting nothing

My Dad seriously pissed me off on NYE 2007. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. I haven’t seen him since.
We still exchanged Christmas and Birthday cards and when my address changed 4 years ago I took the opportunity when I sent him my new address to say everything I needed to say in a letter- I felt like a weight has lifted.
We still haven’t spoken but still exchange cards … my only contact.
I am an only child he is closer to my 4 step siblings. I’m under no illusions that they will get everything… and that’s OK

I don't know what some people are on in this thread.

If my sibling was given £90k as a gift by my parents after a lifetime of pandering from my parents, I would be incandescent!.

Any reasonable, sensible and fair parent would match like for like with gifts and support. That's what my parents have done.

The £5k that you got for your wedding should have been matched with £5k to your brother.

The Uni fees and support should have been exactly the same.

If they couldn't afford to so something for both, then they shouldn't do it all. Favouritism for spurious reasons like this is disgraceful.

The only grey area I can see is the Childcare thing, but again that should have worked both ways if your brother ever had kids. I think it's pushing it a bit to work out an hourly rate for childcare and for your brother to receive that. You can't really monetise Grandparents looking after Grandkids I don't think.

Personally I would tell that exactly what I think, and maintain a civil relationship for the sake of your kids, but beyond that have clearly shown who is more important to them, and that person can arrange all the care and support for them when they need it, as you owe them nothing.

Trying to work out why it was never an open wound for me - always just a bruise.

I think that the answer is that all this happened when my kids were tiny (and they both had serious sleep issues). I was so far down the sleep deprived route that I don’t think that I really cared about anything at the time other than “will this impact how much sleep I get”. Which it wouldn’t so I kind of moved on.

Not sure that is helpful though “the best way to cope with parents favouring a sibling is to be suicidal with sleep deprivation - you won’t care then!” 😂

OP - I am sure your parents don't mean it as a slap in the face but as an elder sibling and as the "strong/sensible/independent one" I can absolutely 100% confirm that it feels like a massive slap in the face to you.

In a recent situation involving my sibling and money, I was the one who actually suggested that my parents help them. I accepted that helping my sibling meant that there would be no significant help coming my way in the foreseeable future. I felt that this was ok because I believe there is fairness as in 50/50, and there is equity as in need. My sibling needed the cash whereas I currently don't, and I also don't expect our financial situations to be comparable in the long-term.

HOWEVER, the massive difference is that my parents discussed this decision with me and my sibling, they made it clear that helping one would preclude helping the other in the short to medium term. The money is also a loan for which they are obtaining legal paperwork and a payment schedule.

Where is your brother in all of this? Is he entirely ignorant of the favouritism? Is he unaware of the massive hurt that such a decision is causing? Does he care and are you able to speak to him about it? Maybe he will be ashamed and look into other options?

Take your time to breathe and to think through what you would like to do/say/what will happen next, maybe even seek some counselling. Your parents are avoiding you because they are all to aware that they have caused this hurt, if you wish to maintain a relationship with them then you will need to be able to express your hurt and upset, and tell them clearly what you want - an apology, financial help, a refusal to help your brother in such extravagant terms...

Edited for spelling.

YABU because you are so much older than him. You have had the opportunity to buy a house at the prices they were 12 years before he could, if by some miracle you were equally hard-working and equally lucky. A 90,000 increase is pretty common over 12 years in the three decades.

Your parents have been very foolish. They have no idea what their needs will be in the future and they have not even planned on registering an interest in the house to protect half their life savings. Have they even considered if this house is the best place to invest 90k? looked at other properties? I would really question their judgement on this - and that is apart from the emotional side of it.

Of course you are going to feel upset at this blatant favouring of one child over the other. We have had similar happen in dh's family. One child (the one with the best career ironically enough) has been given well over half of the life savings - and continues to be bailed out. As far as we can make out it is simply overspending over years and years - they go on the best of holidays/massive house/private schools/top end cars/experiences for the kids - and effectively the in laws pay for it.

We don't need the money and it really doesn't bother me but I know that for dh he definitely feels that the sibling is loved and valued more than him - he has come to terms with that much like the excellent poster who compared it to a bruise on the leg but it is there. That's not how I would want my own adult children to feel as I reach the end of my life.

Also as in laws age, it is becoming an issue - life is getting more expensive.

I'm not saying she owes them anything. But that seems to be consensus on this thread, if they owe her in the name of fairness, then she owes them.

I don't stack anything against anyone either, I believe the parents money is their money to do as they see fit with, if that is giving half their savings to one child and nothing to the other, then so be it, that is their choice. 'Fairness' doesn't come into it because it's no-one elses' money.

No one should have their eyes on anyone elses money or be expecting it. And that grabby expectation is what I find so distasteful about OP and all the other posters that come on here crying about inheritance before their relatives are even dead.

Whereas I think distilling family relationships into purely financial terms by attaching conditions / restrictions to gifts is both sad and controlling. Each to their own, but I'd be horrified if my parents had suggested this for the money they 'lent' to my brother over the years. They could afford it He needed it. It didn't impact me