Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

@Zippy27 there wont be any money to leave you because it will all be swallowed up in care costs. anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves. this is the reality for 99% of the population. I would be sitting down with my parents and my brother and being really really clear. When they need looking after in later life, as they will, then he will need to step forward and do more than 50%. He doesnt get to have the carrot without the stick.

Its not just the money its the total unfairness of it all. my PIL gave one of my dh's siblings everything. Free childcare, paid for holidays, paid for their children to go to private school, paid for their children to have gap years and we were always told that they had a spreadsheet and would even it up when the time came. the time came and they didnt because the sibling had had everything.

They have tried it on with us recently asking for a loan etc. and honestly I wouldnt piss on them if they were on fire. some people are takers. your brother is one of them.

I have lived it and will live it again sooner rather than later. I am certain my MIL is going to leave a small fortune to her child that is not my husband. Right now DH says he's okay about it but I hope he will be at the time. My only concern is that he won't be too hurt by yet more rejecting treatment. The money is MIL's to decide what to do with though, so we're not going to give it head space.

Really? 99% of the population will die without leaving anything at all? How come we’re hearing about people receiving inheritances all the time then? From a quick google, it seems 15% of the over 85s reside in a care home. Meaning that 85% do not (although may receive care at home).

@Projectme
Same situation for me in a few years time except my 'D'B hasn't been seen by me or our parents for the last 2 years; no doubt his ugly head will rear up when our parents have died and I'll have to deal with the fact that he'll be given 50% of my parents estate 'cos that's what's fair!'. Lovely. 🙄

I've one brother who is awful and only turns up occasionally and when he does it's to be nasty to my Mum. All my other siblings are ok luckily although I'm the one who will do all the caring and admin even though I live the furthest away. However, I'm fully supporting my Mum to split her estate in equal portions for all of us and that's what she is doing. It's the simplest and fairest thing to do. I don't think you should be rewarded financially for being liked more by your parents or for providing care to them. ( maybe if you are really skint and provide care then there could be some payment)

I'm leaving my money equally to my children regardless of what happens in the future.

I have actually. I'm the academic, single one with several chronic illnesses who struggles to function and I'm also struggling with housing. My dad died when I was young, my mum inherited obviously and she has never given me anything. I don't even get anything for my birthday or Christmas. She doesn't hesitate to give money to my brother though, who doesn't have health issues, owns his own home, has a nice car and goes on holidays a lot.

I accept that's the way it is. It's not what my dad would have wanted, but sadly he's not here. Is it 'fair'? Not really. But there's no point stamping my feet over it. OP's resentment seems to be eating her alive. She either needs to have it out with her parents or let it go IMO.

By the time her parents are of an age when they will need care etc, looking at the sheer numbers in that age bracket the lower number who work and pay taxes etc its pretty obvious the balance is going to shift isnt it. we arent talking about now but in the 15+ years time when this is an issue. only have to look at the stats on the numbers not working and the percentage of elderly to work this out.

Your parents are sadly divorced from reality if they think you will inherit 'your' share at some point. How old are they? Do they ever consider that there will likely be care costs in the future which will have to be met from their capital/house? I know none of you want to think of it now, but it's more likely than not. Too many people have found out the hard way that inheritance isn't a given. I can see that they want to help your brother, which is fine, but to be fair they should gift you some money as well.

When they need looking after in later life, as they will, then he will need to step forward and do more than 50%. He doesnt get to have the carrot without the stick

It's a fair idea, mummymeister, but I'd be amazed if it happened - after all you can't force folk to do the caring and there'll always be some excuse and a flappy hand with "Ooooo we can't bother him" from the parents

There are two perspectives.

i) One perspective is that you should treat all children equally.

ii) The other is that you should treat them according to their need.

We will never know the true "needs" in this situation because we are only presented with one side of the argument and I think anyone would struggle to present it from an unbiased way personally. I am pretty sure though if the parents were on here to make their case that would add in a new perspective.

IMO people who believe ii) are not "less empathic". In fact arguably they are more so, because they understand different people have different needs and requirements and want to try to address that.

Whereas to take position i) requires little more than the mathematical process of division.

Yes a lot receive care at home. 3 carers a day for several years adds up. Plus cleaner and gardener as well.

It requires the OP to stand her/their ground though doesnt it and say well sorry not me. Actions and decisions have consequences. Thank you @Flossflower there are some people posting on here in for a very nasty shock when they realise how much care in the home costs and that you have to pay for it.

But what if your parents had the money for your adapted van - but didn't have the equivalent cash for your sister available?

Do you have to miss out on the van that gives you your independence just so your sister (who lets assume for the sake of the example has a home and vehicle that meets her needs) gets the same?

It's all very well treating kids the same if you are rich "20k for your adapted van that you need and 20K for sister to do as she wishes with" but what if all you have is 20K and that's how much the adapted van is? Or you have 40K but a leaking roof and can see your daughter needs an adapted van to regain her independence?

My older child is doing great academically etc and my younger one has special needs and is at special school. I hope to help the eldest with a deposit to get on the housing ladder at some point then I hope he will successfully fly solo (financially) so that I can spend the rest of my life devoting my time and money to caring for his brother who will likely never be independent. I certainly won't be trying to treat them the same - I think that would be madness. It's ok treating kids the same if their needs are the same but if their needs are hugely different it makes no sense to me.

Another scenario that hasn't been mentioned here : what if one of Op's parents dies, and the other parent get's married? Then there is the risk that Op's remaining parent dies, and all the money goes to the new wife/husband.

Might seem unlikely, but I've seen it happen. In fact our neighbour, who is almost 80 just recently got married. I know he has a daughter, and can't help wondering how she feels about this. DH's mum died unexpectedly about 10 years ago, and FIL very quickly found a new partner (not married).

So many variables, that are nowhere near as secure as £90k in your hand right now.

Her parents are perfectly aware she'll never actually see the money, it's just a way of justifying giving her brother the money and her not being able to argue its unfair as "she'll get her share later".

This

Oh I agree the only person that the anger hurts is you, unfortunately, but I don't think it's unreasonable of her to have this initial very visceral reaction.

Even if they offered her money now it would be an after thought wouldn't it.

I try to focus on the fact that being parented harshly meant I learnt to be resilient and in spite of my difficulties I'm a professional with my own home and own lovely family. It's really hard though when my DB is just splurging on luxuries and I'm so knackered!

I think OP should make sure she doesn't get hooked into any future care arrangements- make sure you have a time consuming hobby!

It requires the OP to stand her/their ground though doesnt it and say well sorry not me. Actions and decisions have consequences

Thoroughly agree, mummymeister, but as we see on endless threads on here some are able to do this and some aren't

Doesn't mean it's not worth doing though ...

Well if there will definitely never be any money left due to care costs then the OPs husband can butt out with his worries about their kids because surely their kids wouldn’t inherit anything either due to it all going on the OP and her DH’s care.

Can honestly see both sides

“Could you ask for a share of your money”

it isnt OP’s money! I am surprised by the number of people who think it’s normal for adults to throw tantrums because their sibling got some they didn’t. It feels quite childish for an adult to be so competitive about who gets what.

My brother has had financial support from my parents in the past. Sure, more money would always be lovely and would be a massive help in the day to day. But in all honesty, haven’t needed it, so no way am I interested in asking for/taking money from my parents for the sake of fairness - they are still living their lives and I want them to enjoy it to the fullest! I am pleased for my brother that he was able to get support when he needed it.

Sounds very grabby and entitled of OP.

If you are cynical and playing the long game you might argue that by going no contact with your parents over something like this you would potentially inherit nothing rather than something reduced. Not to mention what might happen to your single childless brothers money when he dies.

Actions do indeed have consequences.

"Nothing needs to be fair. OP can devote her time to where and how they like, no one is entitled to their time. I personally hope there is no time left for grabby entitled OP's parents when they ask for care in later years. Or that there is but she volunteers for a cats' home..."

Would you agree with that sentiment?

I don't have to pay for it. If they run out of assets, the state pays for it.

@Zippy27 I voted YANBU because I can absolutely see why this would be painful. Someone close to me had a similar situation and was promised that the estate would be divided in his favour upon death but it hadn't been. His siblings are good people and they worked it all out between themselves but he was left pretty devastated dealing with the grief of losing his dad but also questioning why his dad didn't keep his promise - was it an oversight or deliberate duplicity?

Having said all of that I'd ask you to consider a couple of things before you completely pull the plug on your relationship with your family.

Without comparison, do you feel loved by your parents? If your brother did not exist and your parents raised you exactly as they have, given you exactly the amount of support, money, resources, would you feel loved by them? Would you be happy with the relationship?

If the answer is no, then the money and their relationship with your brother are irrelevant. You have a deeper issue with your relationship.

If the answer is yes, then consider how it would feel for you to lose that feeling of support and love completely.

On a more practical note, if you do want to maintain a relationship but don't know how to do it given their proposal - go back with some proposals of your own. In 20 years his £90,000 invested in property will look more like £144000, while your £90,000 will likely have the spending power of less than half. This not only has a direct impact on you now, but also your children in the future. So can they increase the amount you are left? Can they insist that with the loan to your brother there is an agreement that your children are left a half share in the house upon his death? There are options here that you might not have considered.

Yes I wonder how much the childcare they have provided would tot up to at market rate 🤔