Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

Life is often unfair, OP. The secret to peace and contentment is acknowledging this and letting it go. Your children will no doubt, one day, feel you have done something unfair to them.

Ask yourself if your stand off with your parents is actually going to make you happy. It might do, it might not, but ask yourself the question. Is it possible your reaction will confirm to your parents that they've done the right thing?

As with everything in life we are all just bozos on the bus, trying to do our best. Sometimes someone's best is really rather crap from our perspective, but they are just trying to do their best.

It’s not quite like that though is it . They are gifting money now , not when they have died. The parents are divvying out cash now . But all to one person . It must be very hurtful .

personally would try not to fall out over it but it is unfair and I also would feel upset .

Exactly, but the next step could be « then you need to split the 90k to give half to each of us » or ask for part ownership of the flat pro-rata the 45k. Or say they could give you 45k each and you would lend your 45k to your brother (with water-tight paperwork / repayment plan).
I know, easier said than done…

If your parents are retired/elderly I do wonder what will happen if they have to go into care, because I would think all of their remaining assets will be used for fees. And unless they were in sound health with no prospect of care needs on the horizon when they give your brother 90k, he may find himself having to deal with the local authority wanting to recover the money in certain circumstances.

They’ve a long history of being unfair, because, quite frankly, they care more about their son than their daughter and her kids.

came here to say the same thing. The remaining £90k will be loooooong gone by the time they've paid for their care needs (that you won't be able to provide OP but I'm sure you'll be expected to be involved in dealing with all that when the time comes and your DB won't!) so you won't have any inheritance from their savings and I imagine if your parents go 'into' care, their property will be sold for the paying of the care and any remaining money from the property sale on 2nd death will be split 50/50 between you and your DB. All nice and fair....

Same situation for me in a few years time except my 'D'B hasn't been seen by me or our parents for the last 2 years; no doubt his ugly head will rear up when our parents have died and I'll have to deal with the fact that he'll be given 50% of my parents estate 'cos that's what's fair!'. Lovely. 🙄

If people are pondering what happened to recent generations and why are they so unable to work, deal with adversity and lack resilience- just read this thread and focus on all of the posts telling the OP that she’s wrong and the brother is in need of help and support. These people are the parents of those people 🤣🤣

Has your brother been tested for autism? Living alone, (few friendships in school?) and the issues with noise are common traits of people with autism.

You’ve been told that you’re going to receive a massive inheritance later in life, and your dad has already said he plans to balance it out.

I think you already sound much better off than your brother in terms of coping skills, so maybe learn to accept your differing situation gracefully, then you’ll learn how to be content with your life instead of feeling jealous of your brother.

It's interesting that many posters have extrapolated what the OP has said and decided that the DB has a disability, depression etc and therefore cannot function without hoards of cash.

I, on the other hand, think this is a classic golden child scenario with the brother taking advantage. He has managed to get through uni, done a masters and phd. He has then lived in a rented house with others. Evidently though he can't deal with too much noise 🥴.

There's often threads like this and it is normally (but not always a male child/sibling). Often males are the favoured child, I also think that there is still the expectation that women just have to get on with it whilst there is a hidden feeling that men can't be seen to fail/be failing so need propping up. It's also extra super sad when a man doesn't have a family, read gf/DW to pander to him and support him.

Anyway you're a better woman than me OP, the conversation re care would be happening now and it would be made clear it's 50/50. You have your own family and you should prioritise them. Your parents need a wake up call imo.

Sorry i've not read the entire thread but did want to come and say that this isn't really about money I don't think, it's all about 'fairness'.

To be fair to the Dad he does seem to actually realise there's an issue so give him some credit, obviously he has his own way of making it fair which possibly you don't agree with, but ultimately you can't change.

You can however make your feelings very clear without going NC. After dealing with peoples financials for years now and seeing this problem again and again I would just be completely honest with the parents. Not rude or horrible, just honest. Examples as below,

'No mum, you are making sure he has a life that he doesn't want to work for and educating me that I may aswell work less and you can pay for me too'

'Thanks for the £90k in the will, but it would help me a lot more if I had it now. Just like you did for my brother, look how it's helping him now'

etc etc

I know it sounds harsh but after seeing the fallout from siblings who get nothing from the will they all wish they had said what they wanted whilst their parents were round.

actually the cap only applies in England and I think the OP is Scottish so ignore. Still not totally inevitable though - a lot of people do end up inheriting on their parents death. If you’re so upset about it OP, ask them to change it so that you get the first 50% and the rest is just split. Would you have sympathy if your DB started moaning about unfairness when your parents die and you get more?

And if they don’t help your DB out he will presumably be in rented forever (which you seem fine with despite having owned for a decade yourself, but actually puts him in a really precarious situation in old age).

Quite a bit of this sort of thing has gone on in my family. There are accommodations made in the will but only the other day there were hints that will no longer be the case. Also additional money given for a wedding that me and my other sibling did not get. It does annoy me, and my Mum always plays it down and comes up with reasons why this particular sibling gets more. I have had to just try and ignore it and move on otherwise it can be quite consuming. I love my family at the end of the day and I wouldn't want to fall out over money. I have to remember that it is theirs to do as they like with. However, it does feel like if you do well you are penalised, because that struggling sibling who never quite gets their act together on their own is the one who ends up with the most. Like a reward for not trying.

In my personal experience (can't speak for everyone) my parents and all of my friends parents treat their sons markedly differently to their daughters. All the sons have had significant extra help, and loads of allowances and accommodations made long into adulthood to support them getting their act together while the daughters have managed to establish proper adult lives by themselves.

I would be more sympathetic if the OP had not bought a house across the road from her parents, had her wedding paid for by her parents, used them for childcare and is obviously used to being treated by them.
if you find them disappointing, move away from them and unmesh your life.
i feel sorry for your parents

There is no cap at the moment in England. And when it does come - supposedly at the end of 2025 it will only cap care fees, not ‘hotel fees’ which are for the costs of accommodation, food etc. My relative has exhausted all of the funding pot from his savings and the sale of his house - over £250,000 and is being assessed by the LA for care home fees, which may possibly mean him having to move to a different care home.

Great attitude.

We've no idea what's round the corner and how much care someone is going to need so saying that they could live with the brother could all be pie in the sky. They might need the type of care that your average Joe couldn't provide. A family friend recently passed away in a care home rather than at home because their needs were far too great.

I think from the responses that it's clear some posters lack empathy with you as they haven't lived it themselves. I'm sure you've had a lifetime of it and this is the icing on the cake.

He seems to be painted by some as very vulnerable and in need.
However in my sibling set I'm the one with the PhD and mental health issues as well as chronic physical illness- but I get on and do things because I have to! The idea of being gifted £90k to get a house is laughable when I'm a grown up working adult!

In my experience with my DB he has no responsibility for any of his choices or actions, it's always someone else's fault.
For me my hardships are 'character building'.

When you've had your whole life feeling your sibling is favoured and then that's confirmed in values to the tune of £90k I can well imagine being hurt beyond all belief.

It's not about understanding 'different needs' it's about trying to tolerate living in a family where those who love you most have never met your emotional need to feel safe, secure, and unconditionally loved. It makes you wonder what is wrong with you, that your caregivers treated you so differently.

@Nillie
But if the OP had had a lifetime of this, why would she have bought a house across the road from her Mum and Dad?

It depends on the course.
And
OP has stated her parents funded her brothers PhD.

Nail on head, thank you.

Both my sibling and I have been very fortunate to have had significant financial help from our parents but if this has been given to one and not the other I think it would have been very unfair. I don't blame you for being very upset OP, I'd be too & quite bitter. It's essentially making life quite easy for one and watching the other struggle and save. Financing his education while you funded your own and they charged you rent is just awful.

I wouldn't do anything now. I wouldn't react, I wouldn't lash out but equally I wouldn't be available for errands and care. Golden Boy has the luxury of time and money now. You're working hard to save for your bathroom.

Leave them off.

Editing to add: also giving half their savings just seems an incredibly stupid move. What about future care costs?! 90K between two won't go far.

Because we were happy locally and didn't want to move away - friends and other family locally, work locally. When we bought there were only about 3 or 4 houses on the market that we could afford. This was one of them.

I reckon if you asked they’d probably give you the money for your bathroom. Just not all the rest of their savings.

Would this be a normal way of doing things.
If my one son wanted to do a Masters which we pay for I’m not sure I could afford to give the same to the other five. So should my Masters child be denied as I may be accused of being unfair.

Or perhaps I pick up the pieces in other ways with helping with the kids

It's true they can do what they want with their own money, but that doesn't mean it's fair or any less hurtful and two things occur:

Firstly why haven't they got a will already?

And secondly you'd better hope that, if they ever make one, they actually take account of the gifts he's already had - because I've known too many families torn apart because it was said they'd do this and someone the gifts never got mentioned