Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

I think you should tell them how hurt you are and ask for your share of the inheritance now, since that's what they are giving to your brother. If they don't listen, write them a letter. Tell them exactly why you have stopped visiting and how they have made you feel.

As it happens, our inlaws are doing something like this for us, but as part of the process they are having a discussion with brother in law (who is a multi millionaire) and they won't proceed unless he's happy with the arrangements and everyone is happy about us basically receiving inheritance early. They are treating you really badly.

As we have children, it is something to do with him, actually, because they are losing out in the long run.

OP, why don’t you ask for 90k now? Tell your parents you need to redo your bathroom + replay your mortgage and/or setup
a Uni fund for your DC etc.
Tell them that you are worried that care fees will swallow up all their savings so you need to ask today at the same time as your brother so they can fairly split what they have available to give away.
Basically spell it out that it is unfair to give a child money now and the other one later if they both need it now.

I love how it’s even the brother’s fault that OP chose to buy a house across the road from her parents and is apparently going to be forced into caring for them.

What is this cap on contributions to care? Please enlighten me. I would be very interested to hear about it following my late Mum's very recent experience in the care system.

But you're assuming that there will be £90k left, when Op's parents die. It might all be swallowed up in care home fees.

If Op had £90k now, she might choose to move to a larger property, and that investment would grow. She might choose to invest it in a high interest savings account.

Op's brother is getting a guaranteed £90k right now.

Op has the promise of £90k at some airy fairy time in the future (could be 20 years from now), IF there is £90k left in the pot. If there isn't she will get zero. And this is assuming that they do get round to changing the will.

I know which option I would prefer.

What also jumps out at me, is that £90k seems very large for a deposit. You can often just pay 5% for a deposit, so unless he's paying over a Million quid for this 3 bed house, I don't think he needs £90k at all, and maybe Op's parents are being lied to about the sum that's needed?

Would have been much fairer to give £45k to each sibling.

How though? If you are inheriting extra when your parents die and your kids won’t inherit until you die, how are they losing out? Why are you so convinced there will be no money when your parents die?

You also know that care in a good care home is around £80,000 pa for one person?

It would leave them with no savings at all, so I couldn't do that. My Dad basically said as much when he was talking to me about it.

I can understand how you feel, OP, it's difficult not to feel the decision is a barometer of how much they love each of you, and conclude that he's the favourite, the golden child. Perhaps now's the time for you to do a bit of re-evaluation regarding the relationship - you're hurting about it, so don't force yourself to contact them if you don't feel able to.

If they've been like this for years towards your brother then it's extremely unlikely anything will change in the future, so you need to bear that in mind. Ironically, if they need help in future when they're older, he won't be seen for dust, that's virtually a 'given' in these situations.

No, it’s not. Your parents’ money is absolutely none of your husband’s business.

Losing out on what? Their GRANDPARENTS' money and assets that they have their beady eyes on?

With every post I hope more and more that there is nothing left. I've never heard grabbiness like it.

90k in 10/20 years time won't be worth what it is now. Care home costs etc, although as someone said, they could always move in with my brother and he could provide care - he has the space after all...

Completely agree with you, if you see my previous, long and possible illiterate response 😆. I can’t believe so many people keep their beady little eyes permanently on their parent’s money, thinking it’s theirs. The fact, is, though, the OP is STILL unhappy, despite the fact her parents are trying to be fair. I feel sorry for them.

Once parents bank account is down to £27k, the government would pay for care. So Op could get £27k. Which is obviously not as nice as £90k.

I disagree . Peoples needs can change at any point in their lives. We have always given the same to both children and let them know that as well . This is a large amount of money and also may put the parents at risk in the future as it is their savings .

They're children - they don't have their beady eyes on anything! Goodness, you're unpleasant.

In exact same position with much younger brothers. They’ve had a lot more than I had at the same age because my parents are in a better position . It doesn’t really bother me if I’m honest. No idea how the will is set up.

I see this a lot here but also from another POV. Best friend for about 17/18 years but known her all my life as she was/is my childhood NDN and still lives 2 doors down from my DP's.

Her widowed DM is in her late 80's, very active still but has a heart issue and a severe hearing issue for which she has a hearing aid which she doesn't often use.

Friend is early 50s, youngest by 10 years to her older DB and DSis. Older DB has a wife with bi-polar disease and another medical issue plus 3 DC, 1 of whom is about to have her first baby and the other is a teenager still at school, third DC who I think is back at home. Her DSis still works, her DH retired last year and her 2 DS' are moved out and in jobs.

Friend returned to live with her DM after being made redundant/forced out of a badly paid job with accommodation provided (house) at 35, less than a year after her DF died after a short illness. Her DM has always wanted her to live with her and care for her and has said the same to her own friends (the DM's friends), which was partly why my friend returned home. She has talked about her DM selling the house, buying a warden assisted private flat (her DM's suggestion partly) and then she would get a property with the third share as rest would be split with siblings but this never happened, I think, partly this was before or after the stroke happened.

Friend suffered a stroke about 7 years ago and is back at work but being bullied, long story. She appreciates that her DB can't help out much but he does pop over when he can, he retired early but does other work. Her DSis on the other hand, rarely comes over and when she does it's just tea and cake/lunch visits.

My friend is now thinking about giving up work to be a full time carer for her DM, her DM doesn't want to employ private/NHS carers but the siblings have POA for their DM luckily.

This means though, that the 3 siblings have a third share in a house which is worth just over a million pounds now, probably more, as the last one was sold for a million in 2020. This house had had no work done to it since being sold previously (in past 2-3 years). But siblings are not paying care home fees, carers fees and my friend is looking to give up her career (not well paid, her DSis has a better paid job and her DB had a very well paid job).

This is quite a common scenario. Not quite the same as yours OP - your DB does sound like a manipulative character but really there's not a lot you can do. I'd move to be honest, otherwise you will be the one to care for your parents when they get old and infirm and your DB will get off scot free and do nothing. Be prepared to get threats that you miss out on your £90K inheritance if you do this though.

Don't do it then. Maybe I'm a cow, I absolutely don't need any money from my parents and I very much hope they spend it all on having fun before they die. But if they gave a massive chunk of money to my sibling and nothing to me (unless there was a very good reason) I would have no qualms in cutting them off and doing nothing for them ever again. I absolutely refuse to have me and my family treated unequally.

I think you should show your parents this thread OP

Why can't they just give you the other half of the 180k savings? It could get eaten up by care costs later in life..

Oh, so it's yours and your husbands grabby little beady eyes then, I stand corrected.

I really feel for you OP. There is another thread on Mumsnet at the moment where the OP has been given a deposit for a house (which the mother lived in too) plus a higher %percentage of the estate than he two brothers. Nearly every poster is supporting her and saying the brothers are being greedy for wanting an equal share.

I just think it's always going to be divisive to treat children unequally.

I think you need to tell your parents exactly what you think. (Not aggressively) They need to know.

Might there be some way for your parents to share ownership of your brothers house and then for their share to pass to your children once your brother dies. I'm not sure how that would work though.

This is how I feel, yes.