Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

Nobody stopped Op doing PHD. Maybe she wasn't academic. Noone does PHD to avoid working as it requires same amount of working as working in many jobs.

I think that's a naive attitude. I'm sure there's lots of capable people who would much prefer working 35 hours a week on a PhD to working 35 hours in a job they didn't enjoy, if they could get the PhD funded like OP's brother did.

It won't be the plan - my dad particularly wouldn't want the upheaval, although possibly my mum might do that if she was widowed as brother is golden child so she would rather be living with him than near me.

I think your dad was sensible to be paranoid about his health, or indeed dieing !
Surely you are grateful they did care and kept themselves safe and are still around.
Many didn’t and many people are no longer with us.
Im shocked you can even think this.

Is it that you just feel harangued by an AIBU thread that isn't going your way or does this chip on your shoulder routine ever get a rest?

Yes, I appreciate hearing it from your perspective too. Life has been hard on your family as well as mine. I try. That's all any of us can do. I have had years of reading material on these conditions so that has helped me understand things from the SEN child, but there isn't the help needed for the parents and especially the siblings like yourself to navigate all this with everyone's needs met.

I can see very real hurt can happen to the sibling.
I will take on board your experience.

As a parent, we have a visceral, nightmarish fear that we won't be around forever to help our struggling child. That's probably why they're doing this. I'm sure you bring great peace of mind to your parents that you're independent and able.

I know this won't take away the hurt you're feeling, but I'm sure they love you and are just trying to muddle through with the haphazard cards that life has dealt us all.

Agree but surely that’s the parents choice.
Just because OP couldn’t do a PhD doesn’t mean her sibling should be denied the chance too.

If you have disabled adult children, it is never a good idea to leave them a lot of money in your will. It may stop the state contributing. I have a friend who has an AC with a profound mental disabilities. She will be leaving all her money to the other child. The other child, who dotes in their sibling will then help buy things for the disabled AC.

I see why you are upset.

Perhaps step back and think about what you would choose if you were behind a veil and choosing which of your parents' children you would want to be i.e. would you choose to be the "capable child " or the one who is struggling and in need of parental help. I would choose the first.

As against that - perhaps try to be clearer when you do need help, as the difficulty with being perceived as capable is that people may not notice when you need help (whether that be financial or with childcare etc)

You need to consider what size deposit it equates to and how much additional money needs to be borrowed through a mortgage. 90k deposit for a 260k house is a mortgage of 170k. Say the house was worth 180k 10 years ago, giving him 30k then would have been a 150k mortgage.

Are you ignoring that brother has mental health issues and have had to take counselling?

I am not leaving a lot of money. It's all sorted. They will just have a freehold home. The rest of the support they get will all stay the same and they can get support workers to help fill the gaps in practical support.

Exactly. It’s as if some posters think things like novel cancer treatments grow on trees and breakthroughs in our understanding of Alzheimer’s disease just fall from the sky.

OP clearly doesn’t like her brother and seems not to like her parents very much either. Perhaps they’ve picked up on this.

But nowhere Op said she wanted to study further and parents didn't want to help her.

Nice one. OP, you should frame it like this and watch them all squirm.

"As an aside Masters and PhD need to be self funded in the main."

This is not true for PhDs. The vast majority of UK PhDs are funded through stipend from the government.

It is possible to self fund under certain circumstances but is not common.

For foreign students it is obviously different.

Oh yes. I would be absolutely furious in your situation. My head would be steaming.

I'm not saying he should have been, but the fair thing would have been to gift some money to OP or/and her kids. We're talking upwards of £20K here for the Masters and PhD.

Honestly, I'd be willing to bet that a large percentage of people on this thread have had mental health issues/counselling at some point in their lives and haven't expected or received handouts from their parents.

If your playing tit for tat you could say you had 12 years as an only child so had 100% of your parents attention spent on you for all that time where as he has always had to share his parents..and when they go youll have had 12 years more birthday/christmas gifts.... you have kids and a husband/your brothere doesn't .... have your parents ever babysat for you for free? (Guessing your brother didn't get the equlivant at the time) do your parents also buy your children and husband and birthday/christmas gifts ... that your brother doesn't get etc? (Ie your household gets 4 your brother houshold gets 1) that may not add up to 85k at the moment (-the 5k for your wedding) but they have said they will try to make it fair when they can

To be clear I don't think this is a good way to look at it, my family have help me and sibbling at different times in our life in different ways (financial/emotionally/physical/with their time) I never expect the equivalent for the other sibbling at the time, but im happy i/they were being taken care off (I'm the older sibbling and will always feel protective of my baby sibbling (5 year's younger but always little to me)

sorry if I'm repeating I've not read the whole threat ... and dyslexia so sorry for spelling

She gave OP money for her wedding (which brother hasn't had) and has met their needs. I'm not randomly handing out money to a child who chooses to go straight to full time work and skips university. They choose not to incur fees to need help with. That's their choice. If they go into a trade, I'll buy them what they need to get set up for that.

I couldn't even keep tabs on all the help I've given my kids over the years but I have met every need they've had. If I was always giving out equivalents, I couldn't help them as they needed because I couldn't afford it. I paid 10K for surgery for one. That doesn't mean I have to give the others 10K fun money.

This is such a healthy attitude.

@Zippy27 you have no right at all to anyone's money. sure you can sit there and sulk because your brother got more, but it's a REALLY bad look. Can you actually hear yourself when you suggest that he doesn't need to buy the home he has, that he should rent - when we all know how utterly shit that is and totally insecure, that he's entitled because he doesn't want to live in an attached property.?

He's been renting that place for some time already and it's home. now he has a chance to make it HIS home, and you're not talking to your parents because of this? They just want to see him secure and not at the mercy of a landlord.

I have a shitty family so I'm used to petty and unfounded jealousy/resentment, and I have nothing to do with them, if you don't want to see me rise, to see me happy and stable, then quite frankly, what use are you to me as family?

I'll remind you, nobody has the right to expect ANYTHING from their parents, reflect on this.

True but there are degrees of mental illness. It can be incapacitating.

Yanbu to be upset by this OP. You may never get that £90,000. If your parents get very old and infirm it will be spent on care. If your brother has only just finished university then they really are gifting something that will make him very priviliged in life.

Only if you were phenomenally wealthy to the extent that £90,000 really made not a jot of difference to your life would it be ok-ish. And even then I would expect your parents to speak to you about it beforehand.

I would feel the same as you. And, infact do, as my late father's will is totally unfairly split in my family and I certainly have the major ick about my father's memory and my living step-mother now.

True. But there are levels of mental health challenges. We're not all the same. Some will really struggle to function in a normal capacity. OP mentioned he needs a specific type of home due to his sensitivity to sound. That never goes away irrespective of counselling. There's no cure for it.

I don’t know why anyone is going on about the care thing - OP has no legal duty to provide care for her parents and she doesn’t sound like she will do it voluntarily.

The parents clearly feel conflicted and want to be fair to both kids. They have actually said that their will is adjusted so that the OP will get the same amount when they die. If they didn’t give a shit and just favoured the brother why would they do that? They have been at pains to explain their decision. They have given the brother 90k because house prices have gone insane and presumably due to a lowish salary he can’t borrow more. Yes, they might need to use assets to pay for care but they might not. The parents might drop dead from heart attack or stroke. Then the OP would get her equal share of the money. Their intention is to give their children the same, albeit at different times due to their life circumstances. They don’t sound like they love them different amounts at all.