Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

OP knows her brother, you don't.

They have, sadly. I can't gloss over this like I have with countless things in the past. This is the end of the line for me.

The thing is that rightly or wrongly, people think of money left to them as love. (Joan Bakewell has an interesting chapter about this in one of her books). Even the most balanced individuals. So if one sibling gets the lions share, it breeds resentment.

I've gone NC with a parent who absolutely put me at the bottom of the sibling pecking order. The final nail in the coffin was when she started playing favourites in the same way with my own DC. I refuse to let that dynamic play out in the next generation and so took steps to distance myself. I was then subjected to a barrage of increasingly unhinged behaviour until I cut her off.

Family can cause the deepest wounds. Parents shouldn't be unfair and play favourites, but they can and do. And it hurts. Sorry you're dealing with this OP. You've every right to feel as you do.

I do feel sad for you OP. Your parents have made you feel your brother gets preferential treatment maybe because he's so much younger they were in a better position but i think from your posts the deposit isn't the only issue. Yabu to begrudge him the money because it really does sound like he's not typical but yanbu to feel hard done by it all.

They are helping him buy a home not taking him on a 90k shopping spree. Houses have gone up considerably in value over the past 15 years. 15 years ago they could probably have given him 30 grand and he’d have been able to get what he is buying now. Presumably he would be unable to buy it without their help and 260k today is hardly megabucks for a house.

We did the same (I refused to have the favourites thing going on between my children from the ILs). I also expect sibling in law to get most, if not all of the inheritance from the ILs, but that's up to them.

Nobody stopped Op doing PHD. Maybe she wasn't academic. Noone does PHD to avoid working as it requires same amount of working as working in many jobs.

Op is making everything about money. Does she not appreciate other things in life like grandparents providing childcare. They have been fair to both children, helping them with their needs, not wants.

Op does not see when parents do something benefitting her, she only sees when brother benefits from them. There is no pleasing people with such biased attitude.

Exactly, it seems people equate money with love which is really sad. When my mum died I got 10% of her money and my sister got 90% - I know that isn't because my mum only loved me less. Our circumstances were different and she accounted for that in her will.

The op whether she has a relationship with her brother or not needs to move on (and I know this is easier said than done) feeling bitter like this is not going to do her any good in the long run.

Don't write a letter - it will take up a huge amount of headspace, be picked over and ultimately bite you on the arse.

However, amazing your brother stepping up like that, insisting on a three bed house to house your parents in later years.
Really important that he will be carrying that burden whilst you & your DH will be really busy enjoying your own adult children moving on, along with freedom and holidays and new hobbies.

Go brother, what a sacrifice!

Okay and your point is?

I know it might sound extreme but would you consider moving away? Parents can't have it both ways. Daughter on tap for to help out and financially generous to son. Maybe a bit of distance would make you feel better.

My goodness, this had never occurred to me AT ALL! No reason why parent/s can't move in with him later on when they need care and he has all of that space and 2 spare bedrooms to house them, when we have none. What an excellent idea!

My point is that trying to calculate it pound for pound is pointless, especially given the laps in time. As in your point that “providing a few years childcare and giving 5k for a wedding no way equates to 90 fucking grand”.

Well look at it instead as helping one sibling acquire a home and helping the other care for her children so she can work and making a substantial contribution to her wedding.

I think a lot of people don't get any inheritance so in that regard anything can be considered lucky.

It does sound like your brother may have some sort of special needs. Obviously no one can diagnose it from the information on here, but maybe he is high functioning autistic. Maybe your parents are worried about him and his future. They see you settled and married for 14 years with a family. But him with no one around him and no family to help him out in the future (it doesn't sound like you get on). Maybe they see this as an opportunity to help secure his life in the long term and want to help him achieve that, as any parent wants to see their child in a stable life and able to take care of themselves.

Your parents have said they want to address the inequality in the future if they can, so in that respect they are trying to be fair to both of you while still addressing your individual requirements. You'll see a lot of situations on here where parents don't even try to do that, so in that respect you might count yourself lucky.

I think your parents just want to try to achieve the same stability in life for your brother that you have. It may not seem entirely fair that you have had to work harder in life for that stability, but you with reap the benefits in old age with a family around you whereas your brother may well have no one to rely on.

I would take a step back and ask myself whether it is worth ruining the relationship I had with my parents over this. You do not say whether you have any children, but their relationship will also suffer if you go down this route.

I actually would do that, but both children are happy at school and I couldn't move them away and put them through that upheaval.

I think it is appalling and shows clear favouritism. The uni costs are more forgivable in the fact that you chose not to attend but the lump sum for a deposit when you didn't receive that kind of help is unforgivable IMO.
Thankfully my parents have always treated us equally but I know of so many who don't.

My best friend has an older sister who was and still is the golden child. My friend was at her parents house near Christmas time, had gone upstairs to use the toilet, saw a pile of tags and wrapping paper on the floor of the open bedroom door with a huge Mulberry handbag addressed to her sister. Christmas came.... my friend got £20 in a card. We googled the bag it was £1,600. She never said a word about it to her sister or parents but so many incidents like this over the years has left her very hurt. I can't wrap my head around treating your own children so differently without just cause.

I do think a letter to your parents is the way to go .Seal it and put it away for a week then reread it , rewrite and send it to them .
It is unfair and hard to imagine doing it unless as others have said 1 sibling is going to need that additional support due to learning disability etc.

Studying isn’t avoiding working, as you say, which is why you do sound a little resentful of his qualifications and ability to go to University.
I think to appreciate more what’s going on here you need to firstly step away from the issues you are dwelling on with your different life choices.
As an aside Masters and PhD need to be self funded in the main.

I have two children. During Covid, my dad was so paranoid about his health that he didn't see them for 3 years. That didn't help.

Maybe that is the plan? I assume I'm likely to have my disabled child living with me for a lifetime, but will leave them set up in a house with a life time interest for when I'm no longer able to be here. We all die. The way I plan to make it as fair as possible is to put it in a trust which would belong to both children, in the event it is no longer needed. If the other child outlived the disabled child, they would then get it all.

It would make sense for your parents to move in with your brother and, for all you know, this has been discussed among them.

House prices have almost doubled in the past 15 years, but not quite. £50k would be a fair amount for the point you're making. To say £30k and suggest they've tripled is quite the exaggeration.

Wow, that is awful! Poor friend.