Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

I can’t believe anyone thinks this OK. It’s blatantly unfair. I’ve got 2 teenagers and it would be like me giving one of them a brand new iPhone for Christmas, and the other one a satsuma and a promise of an identical iPhone in 30 years! And it’s not about the iPhone, it’s about the clear message being sent about favouritism.

If you were 10, I would have understood such arguments about equality but as adults we put context in the situation. No way he is their favourite, they are worried for him a little more than you because oh his inability to have a normal life due to his mental health.

Of course he's their favourite. Why did they gift him huge amounts of money to fund his two postgraduate degrees that he didn't need to do, for example?

I'm no expert, but surely if his issues were so profound, it would be unwise for his parents to spend £90k on having him live 2 hours away? Shouldn't they be pushing him to move closer if he really is vulnerable?

Well you can refuse to do it, OP. If you are cutting contact with them anyway, you don’t have to provide care for them.

Though if one of your children needed an expensive technology to help them survive, and the other didn't, it would be a case of fair not necessarily being equal. Presumably your children are equally capable, which is not the case with OP and her brother by the sound of it.

Thank you for your reasoned and kind response. Seeing it from the side that your daughter might end up seeing it, please be very careful she doesn't end up feeling hurt and resentful like I do. I'm sure you have thought about how to prevent this, but it's a very real possibility, judging from experience.

Who's to say OP wouldn't have got the same from her parents if she had decided to go to university? She didn't.

But posters don't know the context of high maintenance, you did when your dad used the woed. You don't like sound, do you also have depression despite counselling and unable to build a relationship and family life?

Sounds like you are equating your wants to his needs. I also don't like sound but I can live with it. Maybe you can live with it too, but some people with mental health cannot deal with it. And if he is really pampered and spoilt, then he is paying the price with his personal life.

What you write here sound similar to when people say depression is an excuse, just get over with it.

Exactly, because they aren't that profound.

It doesn't have to. Remember your parents doing 2 years of childcare for your dc, you have to be absolutely grateful for, and forever pay it back. You should be ready, willing and able to provide endless elder care whenever they want it, and also be happy and grateful they've allowed you to do this for them. 🤨

In an ideal world, if a parent is lucky enough to have two healthy (mentally & physically) children, then yes 50/50 would be the fairest split. But if one child has very real mental challenges, then as parent you can't just ignore the child that is and will always struggle. It's very sad and hard for everyone.

Thing is, OP, it doesn’t have to be that way. You can quietly detach yourself from them, go low contact, even tell them that unfortunately you’ll be unable to care for them later on. It’ll be harsh but you’re clearly carrying years of resentment here and maybe it’s time your parents realise just how much it’s hurting you. As you said in your last reply to me, this is the final straw.

How you go about it all, I have no idea. But in some way you may need to make it clear that DB will need to be the one they turn too in 10/20/30 years.

They are not doing anything wrong. Their circumstances have changed. They're now in a position to help him whereas then they couldnt help you
They are being VERY fair. You will get the same money on their death

You are being grabby and silly

Of coyrse they helped him with uni fees of they could. They would have helped you too if you had gone!

Honestly i hate posts like this.

It's your perception that he has had things "his way". It would be interesting if you said that to him - as my experience with siblings is their views about stuff like this is very different and people have VERY selective memories...also people come on here and paint a particular narrative to get people on their side and confirm their bias.

Ultimately you whining and moaning about this and keeping score is not going to help the situation. If your parents have made up their minds - as others have said their money their decision. You need to move on and not let it ruin your relationship with your family. What's the alternative - fall out with all your family and/or carry on as you are in bitterness..

Totally empathise with you OP I have had similar with my parents. It’s really hard and unfair. I try to console myself by reminding myself I don’t need their pity / help and am proud of my independence but yea it stings.

Exactly. Goes much deeper than finances. I mean, they are of course entitled to love him more - they feel what they feel, but at least hide it a bit better!

I love how some posters are contorting themselves to find acceptable reasons for the brother to be given £90 fucking grand!

Yes OP had £5K for her wedding and free childcare for one day a week, term time only for a maximum of three years, that in no way equates to £90 fucking grand!

The parents are idiots, they've destroyed relationships and decided that the brothers 'wants' are worth destroying relationships for.

Also, they've lost half of their savings.

If this was my parents then I'd be absolutely livid.

Or maybe, like my own child, they will be understanding and supportive of their sibling, knowing how fortunate they are not to have those needs? Mine came to me and suggested I disinherit them to help the other child. I haven't done that but boy am I grateful for their understanding.

That's your assessment. A lot of people do PHDs and it is not to avoid working. Because PHD is as much work as working in many jobs. You are being very unfair to your brother. I hope you don't say these things to him.

For my SIL, the childcare MIL gave in the early years meant she kept her career on track and her earnings stayed high and have continued to rise now the kids are in secondary school. SIL's career took no financial hit from having them due to MIL being there for that day or 2 a week/when they were sick.

MIL sometimes loved it and sometimes felt the strain.

SIL kept her 50k a year job. Worth a lot more than the sum of the individual days MIL had the kids.

Something to remember.

You equate love with money? Where did that come from? I equate love with time.

This. I won't have contact with him again. I have glossed over many things in the past for the sake of harmony, but enough now.

That's irrelevant. The point is they CHOSE to gift him all that money for his postgrad degrees when they didn't need to. They could have gifted OP the same money, or put that money in trusts for OP's children, but they clearly favour the brother, hence all this inordinate gifting and enabling.

Thatsñ Christmas gift of brand new iPhone is not comparable to your situation Op. It's your choice, you want to see your parents in this way. They have done things for you which they didn't for your brother like childcare. It's not about equality, it's about equity.

We have a similar situation in our family and it has caused a massive rift that has been going on for years now. You should probably have a frank conversation with all of them so everyone knows where they stand. It might not change anything but I think confused communication really made everything worse for us.