Large sum of money being given to sibling

[Zippy27]

To set the scene: there is a 12 year age gap between myself and my brother; I am the older sibling. My brother has had a lot of help financially with uni costs (I didn't go) including rent. I was given 5k from my parents for my wedding 14 years ago. However, my brother's rented accommodation has recently been put up for sale and the landlord has offered it to him to buy. He will have a mortgage but it turns out my parents will give him 90k for the deposit. When I say give, I do mean give - not a loan, they won't own part of the house - he is just being given it. It is half of their 180k savings. Both parents are retired. I have been told that when they make a will, it will state that myself and my brother will have half each of what they have BUT it will be stipulated that I will get 90k before the rest is divided up. However, as this may well be in 20 years' time, this doesn't seem at all fair to me. Who knows what their financial situation will be by then. My Dad justifies it by saying that they weren't in a financial position to give me that sort of money when my husband and I bought our house, which I'm sure is true, but surely this is still grossly unfair? We're not exactly living in a mansion and the house we have lived in for over 10 years still needs a new bathroom amongst other things. Would anyone else by severely pied off in this situation? My Dad explained that it isn't because my brother is "the favourite" (he is and always has been) but because he is "high maintenance". I am so hurt, angry and disappointed that I haven't spoken to or messaged my parents or brother since I was told about this 5 or 6 weeks ago. For context, my parents live across the road. They don't even give enough of a sh to contact me and find out why I have stopped visiting (probably because they know). Would anyone else be upset by this situation?

What sort of a grandparent says ‘I have done free childcare’.
Looking after your grandchildren is a two way experience. We look after our grandchildren, 1 day a week for both families, so 2 days. We have loved spending the time with them and I am sure we are much closer than grandparents that don’t do this.

But you have a spouse and children. Nice life isn't dependent on money.

Can/ would they put in their will that you will get whatever 90k is worth when the time comes around?

If not it is really unfair. Why does he need such a large deposit?

I can’t believe people are comparing them having your DC 1 day a week to 90k. Grandparents have their grandchildren to help out and because they want to, parents don’t ow them money for this. Even if you were paying them it wouldn’t be anywhere near 90k.

Do they appreciate the help, my children and their partners do. They would never be sarcastic about it and the reality is that it is a financial benefit to them.

Some grandparents don't do it for free, often because they can't afford to do it for free.

The sort that has an adult daughter who keeps accounts of every interaction between her parents and her sibling.

"High maintenance" was a direct quote from my Dad actually. I also don't like noise from neighbours, and I also would have liked to have raised my family in a detached house, but we couldn't afford one, so we made do with what we could afford. Sometimes mummy and daddy can't sort everything when you're a grown up. I didn't go crying to my parents for money.

Thank you. I am extremely grateful as it relieves a lot of worry about the future for the disabled child if I am no longer here. That's a huge gift from that child. Of course I will be as fair and equal as possible anyway.

The OP said in her first post that the parents will is leaving her the first £90k when they die with everything else split 50/50.

I wonder why everyone assumes I am sorted and have a nice life? Maybe I hate where I live? Maybe it isn't the house I would have chosen, but we compromised and bought what we could afford with no financial help whatsoever?

You have a dual income household and if you bought say 10-15 years ago your house will have increased in value since then and you will have reduced the mortgage. It might not be your dream home but who realistically has that and I doubt that the house your brother is buying is a dream home either if it costs 260k. You may not have had help to your deposit but you had money for your wedding (5k then was a lot more than it is today) and years of free childcare. You haven’t had nothing. House prices are insane these days and chances are that without 90k he can’t get a mortgage.

Sounds like your brother has needs and you have wants.

I agree with the poster, life is not fair. Why your brother has depression despite counselling. Maybe you need to practice a little bit of gratitude that you are not in situation your brother is in.

If you were 10, I would have understood such arguments about equality but as adults we put context in the situation. No way he is their favourite, they are worried for him a little more than you because oh his inability to have a normal life due to his mental health.

I know, I know. It beggars belief that people compare the two, doesn't it!

It is lovely that your child has that attitude. Having worked in the social care sector I can tell you not all siblings are like that. You should be rightly proud of them.

No, he has wants to, just they always get pandered to. Everyone seems to have assumed he's incapable of living independently. He is perfectly incapable, just his neuroses have been pandered to so he hasn't needed to stretch himself.

I would not want to see one of my siblings homeless because I thought it unfair they got some inheritance upfront...

Your talking, what, ifs and maybes...

Frankly you are fortunate that your parents have been able to give you money at all - not everyone has that.

It sounds like this will happen regardless and if you get upset about it will breed resentment and spoil your relationship with your parents and brother. Basically you need to get over it and move on.

By Op's logic brother should also complain why Op is getting help with childcare and her wedding.
It seems like when it comes to money, people lose their sense.

Not only money, no - it's dependent on a lot of things. Not everyone wants a spouse and children. My brother hates kids.

@Iwasafool looking after ailing parents without pay is also very hard work......

The DB has got his money, at least OP won't be obliged to be unpaid carer to her parents in their older years!

Nor is she obliged to continue the care of her DB, once the parents have gone.

The parents have ensured that the OP and her DBs relationship is over. They may well have handled this differently and felt safe in the knowledge that if the DB does need any help OP may have stepped up, but I doubt she will now.

I think they've made a big mistake.

This. Especially about the care needs in future. Easy to guess which child OP's parents will want to look after them. Same old misogyny, basically.

It's also possible you aren't fully aware of the details of your brother's situation. It may be more complex than you know.

He would not be homeless at all - he could rent somewhere else or buy somewhere smaller. He just won't ever compromise on anything because he has always had things exactly his way.

Did your brother 'go crying to your parents for money' or did they offer? Do you even know or are you making assumptions?

Parent prospective in a similar situation:

I'm a parent of teens and can already anticipate having to help my son much more than my daughter in the future . Not because I play favourites, but I just do my best to help who needs that money more at that time.

Like your brother,my son too is very "sensitive to noise and people and life in general that he woild never consider living anywhere attached." It breaks my heart to see him now and what his future will be - so I know I will have to help him much more financially. I think my daughter knows all this, and I try to be there as much as possible emmotionally and financially as I can for her now. But I can already see it's unfair and hard for her - just as it is for you.

Life hasn't been fair to any of you and I can understand how you feel in all this.

Perhaps your brother has ASD, ADHD or Misaphonia ...all very debilitating. Misaphonia (severe sensitivity to sound) is the cruellest of curses. I don't wish to label anyone - but knowing of these conditions can help us understand why people have very real needs and aren't just being "needy".

Your brother's been lucky to find a home that meets his anxiety over noise/people and I can understand why he's desperate to hold on to it (and your parents urge to help).

You have been blessed it seems with more resilience and ability to cope with life than your brother ...that is worth so much more than money. Wishing you all understanding, harmony and health.

if he’s been treated for depression, I suspect that his issues are more profound than you are making out, OP. Your parents don’t sound like they don’t care about you. They wouldn’t have sat down and tried to justify their actions if this were the case. They obviously feel they are making the right (but difficult) choice here. With respect unless you are your brothers doctor or therapist you cannot say whether this is “neuroses being pandered to” or something more serious.

He lives 2 hours away and I'm over the road. We know the answer, don't we!

If he has mental illness then maybe he's not capable of advocating for himself in that way, or managing things that well that he can achieve those things?