Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

[LilacsLife]

I have a few questions actually and I am hoping to cover them on this one thread! I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon (we have been doing it where I’m staying basically full time, so he did express to me that he thinks it would just be best I move in and can then officially split things 50/50). He has a dog and cat and has told me I absolutely don’t need to contribute money towards them, but that he then wants to be able to stick to his schedules with things, he is quite strict with stuff like bedtime and when he goes to bed and does walks and stuff, simply so the dog stays in a routine (he lives in a flat so there’s a few walks for a toilet break) and there’s one before bed, so he has set bedtimes for set shifts and things. It feels quite a lot (we are late 20s, I will add) and we are obviously child-free atm so don’t really want so much structure, I’ve said like can we just relax on that and he says if we do, the dog’s behaviour can be unpredictable with being too hyper or having accidents (if routines aren’t followed) I love his pets and do want them to become mine too and for me to be able to have an equal say in stuff and I said if I can, I’ll of course then contribute to half the costs of them, he says he admits it might be hard to do that as he has had his dog 7 years and knows what’s best for him and would find it hard for me to now come in with a bunch of different ideas and change things up, which is why he says he would never expect me to pay for them. What’s the general opinion on this anyway? Do people split pet costs if they move in with partners that have pets? Like, I have no idea what is even acceptable with that, regardless of this specific situation. I admit I am quite lazy and around full time work I don’t want to be setting my alarm if I’m on a late shift and having to work until the late evening but he will usually still have his bedtime of about midnight and get up at 8! I personally like to relax in bed most the morning until I’m due to get up for work or maybe get up an hour before to do some jobs, I don’t want to be up and out with the dog at 8am, he says I don’t have to be out with the dog but he thinks it’s going to be hard if he is going to bed at say midnight or even 8pm for early shifts (we both do shift work, but are usually on the same, it’s specific shifts hence he has his routines) and then I do completely different and I do agree… is this just a case of us not being compatible? It hurts my heart to think that as I love him loads and he actually makes me really happy and I love his dog and cat, I always wanted pets but my parents never allowed (I moved back in with them to save) so I do genuinely really love his, etc. but I am just a lot less structured and as I have admitted before… lazy lol. So does this then not work? He has said he will stick with his routines with his dog/cat (mainly the dog) around his shifts and I am more than welcome to do what I want that works best for me but that he would obviously like it to align with his the best it can but then I feel I have to do what he does vs what I do because of the dog so not much compromise? My friends and other relatives have had dogs and from my understanding it’s never needed to seem so rigid. I don’t know, feeling a bit deflated and have no idea who to ask on what’s fair

Yabu about the pets and needing to go to the toilet. And no as a woman, I wouldn’t take a dog out at 2am. It sounds as though he doesn’t understand this isn’t very safe for a woman. But he is bu about naps. It sounds like you’re both trying to control the other in different ways. I wouldn’t move in together. There’s too much to iron out right now.

Yeah, nah.

If you were in my house and you stay up all night keeping the dogs awake so they need the toilet at 2 or 3am, then thats you that takes them out and if there is no garden, thats you taking them for a walk.

If you were telling me 'no need to pay a dog walker, I'll take the dog out when I am home during the day' then I need to know you're taking the dog out when the DOG needs to go, not leaving the dog crossing his legs and in pain waiting for it to suit you.

It would also make it HARDER to retain a dog walker if their services are needed randomly, as and when, rather than on a routine, regular basis. So that actually would be less than helpful!

You're not ready to share the present flat, with this guy and his dog. The compromises here are yours to make, not his or the dogs. So either you're willing to do that, or you're not, but do not move in with him telling him you're willing, but secretly hoping you can get him to let things slide later on. That's a recipe for disaster!

He is correct. You can’t move in and expect to change his well-established routines with the dog to suit you because you are (self admittedly) lazy and don’t want your downtime interrupted. I think he has made a realistic prediction of how tricky this could be, so if you aren’t prepared to get onboard with his way of doing things in relation to the pets, then I’d reconsider moving in right now.

How refreshing to read about someone who is being responsible for their pets and putting their welfare first.

You seem to want to barge in and interrupt and ruin all the good work and effort he has put in.

It's quite controlling to suggest that if you pay for half their upkeep the pets will become half yours and you can dictate changes to their schedule.

So it reads like he has a structured routine around work, pets, sleep and if you move in you will either have to follow his routine or do your own thing but potentially clash/have less quality time together.

Whilst dogs do need a routine and lots of opportunity to toilet so I understand why he wants that to continue it feels like it's more than that. Like his entire life is routined and he's not willing to adapt for you moving in. I also wouldn't want to take a dog out at 2am!

What about if you have children would you get a say in their routine or would everything need to be on his terms?
There are different types of parents some have a very structured routine for their children others are much more relaxed and in the moment it would be very hard to parent collaboratively if you are so different.

When you move in with someone you build a life together, that requires some adaptation/compromise on both parts to create something that works for you as a family . It sounds like only you would be doing that.

His suggestion you move in so you pay half isn't very thrilling either it sounds more practical than a desire to live with you.

I'd have a good think about whether you are compatible and what you feel he is bringing to your relationship. You could try a soft move in where you live there and contribute financially but not officially move everything out of your parents. You could see if being there 24/7 works better or raises issues.

There's a lot of potential for conflict if you move in with him
It doesn't sound like you're compatible

I really don’t get what the problem is 😂 he sounds like a good pet owner. Also what’s wrong with having a routine? Routine benefit people too.

if it were me I’d be less interested in the routine for the pets and more worried about the routine that might be imposed on me - I couldn’t get involved in being told about my bed time, no naps etc
How does he currently manage nights out, weekends away, holidays etc?
if it is a one bed flat it could be quite cramped.
if living with your parents works and allows you to save I’d say keep on doing that.
could it be more about a hint for a contribution to costs if you stay there a lot? Rather than a real wish to have you move in? He did sound quick to say split costs 50/50. Sounded more financial arrangements and not so romantic…

IMO it’s cruel to keep dogs in flats. But he genuinely sounds like he cares for his and wants it to go out as much as possible.

TBH if I was up I’d take the dog out quickly - it’s just a decent thing to do?

Ultimately, he’s prioritising his pets and their routine. You don’t want to. You can’t compromise on animal welfare. You’re not suited and this won’t work.

Separately, I also think if you’ve practically moved in and you’re not already contributing already (even just paying for your share of the food that I’m sure you’re eating, let alone bills) and he’s made a comment then he’s probably a bit frustrated.

I think he sounds like a keeper and you’re several years behind him in maturity.

Sorry, I’m team BF here.

I wouldn't trust you with my animals. You fundamentally don't sound responsible enough to be caring for their needs. No one has to set an alarm to take a dog out but you don't sound like you are going to be responsible enough to consider the dog consistently. Within a couple of weeks there will be accidents in the house, the dog will be out of it's routine of not having the person caring for it coming in and that's where the arguments will start.

Just don't move in, grow up for a few years and re-consider then.

I noticed the other day how many people in their 20s in London seem to have pet dogs now. When I was in my 20s, I don’t remember ever coming across friends with dogs. We all wanted the freedom to go out, go away for weekends, travel, go to bars and restaurants etc. and just do plenty of stuff spontaneously.

A lot of people on here would love him because he sounds like them: very structured and responsible getting exasperated with what they see as their flakey, lazy partner. However, he sounds a bit rigid and controlling to me and he’s likely to get worse as he gets older. I would keep my independence for now and a wait a bit before moving in.

It's this.
He's not fussed either way whether you move in- but as you said you're spending most of your time there and he's looking for you to make a financial contribution recognising that.

It's right that you don't have to subsidise his pets, or have a say in how he manages them. If you don't like how he lives then move on.

You can’t move in and change everything- especially the pets.
Midnight til 8am- I don’t see the issue? I sometimes go to bed at 9pm, I don’t have my bedtime policed /controlled by my DH.
Of course you should contribute to bills if you move in, unless you don’t plan to use the utilities or eat.

You sound like you want to move in, pay nothing, do nothing and change everything! CF some might say. A man would be viewed as a controlling cock lodger!

He sounds honest, reasonable and loves you? Relationships involve compromise.

He's not unreasonable, but bloody hell that would be my idea of hell in my 20s!

You don’t like him sleeping when you’re awake at Midnight, he doesn’t like you to nap when he’s awake in the day. Both of you feel it’s a waste of together time to sleep.

Neither of you are on compatible schedules. His is a healthy schedule both for him and his pets.
Yours is a schedule round shift patterns.

I’ve never read so much gumph about adult bedtimes. Do people really angst about this? Wait till children appear, you’ll both be up half the bloody night and at the crack of dawn anyway.

Your lack of routine and carefree approach just doesn’t work with either pets or children. If you both have a late night and sleep in then the dog will likely do it’s morning wee and poo in the house, and will be barking or ripping things up waiting for it’s early morning walk. How keen will you be to clean this up and put up with barking etc? Your boyfriend prevents all of this by getting up early and taking it out for a toilet stop and a walk. Because he is a responsible pet owner. This means not being carefree.

You are not ready to move in with anyone with responsibilities. Wait until you are, but give it a miss at present.

Exactly this.

I had one pet before my then boyfriend moved in. We had a routine going, and boyfriend soon learnt how awkward it was when my boy's routine was compromised.

We now have shared pets, but the routine has roughly stayed the same, because it's tried, tested and worked.

I'd be VERY weary of anyone suggesting an animal compromises. Animals don't do that. They are essentially domesticated wild animals. We have to care for them according to their needs and requirements.

we have been doing it where I’m staying basically full time, so he did express to me that he thinks it would just be best I move in and can then officially split things 50/50

Sorry if I’ve missed it but, given your time there, have you been paying for your share of bills, rent, food, general expenses etc. How has this been working?

Keeping a dog in a flat is far from ideal so I can understand him being rigid about the routine. It's not very helpful for you to tell him to cancel the day visitors if you're home in the day but then not take the dog out at the right times.

The best situation would very much be for you to live in a house or ground floor flat with some outside space for the dog so that you didn't need such a strict routine. Is that the long term plan?

Leave his routine and that of his pets alone, you have no right to adjust this with no actual legitimate reason.

I’m struggling to see what the issue is, he adjusts his sleeping time according to his shifts and looks after his pets responsibly.
He clearly isn’t expecting you to adjust to his routines, he’s said that?

My partners alarm goes off 2-3 hours before I need to get up. I go to bed earlier than he does a lot of the time. This doesn’t make you incompatible - this is what two adults living together is like.

he knows you are flaky with the dogs routine that’s why he’s kept people coming in to see to them. It’s not your choice when to look after the dog in a flat!!!! You admitted being lazy and I agree.

The issue is, you don’t want to be disturbed by his work/life routine and want to maintain your responsibility free one - so perhaps consider if you are ready to move in together.

I was going to post the same.

This is just awful OP.

Set the bloody alarm. The dog NEEDS you to be doing this because it's a routine it's used to.

JFC. I've read it all tonight

Oh I just thought the completer opposite. If I were him I wouldn't pick her to have DC with. Sounds like she'll have a hard time standing up with the kids, if anything. Although I don't think you can really judge before people have children. Shell (hopefully) get less lazy and dogs will (hopefully )come second for him.

Anyway OP, I would say that sometimes in marriage ( or a partnership) you have to make compromises to not become ships passing in the night. Sometimes in relationships one person is a night owl and another a morning person. And then you adjust your routine so that you still get quality time. I don't think it's unreasonable to get into bed a bit earlier with your partner a few nights(one can always stand up after) to spend some quality time. Or then stand up early with the morning person a few times a week to enjoy a walk or breakfast together.

Surely just let him do his thing? He’s not asking you to contribute at all. Making a complete mountain out of a molehill